Fear is ruling my life ...

[Rinahen]

Hi everyone... I've been dealing with anxiety and depression for over 20 years ... have just been going through the motions with the help of medication, therapy and self talk but still deal with problems.... its hard for me to feel real job... even though I have a very nice life, with a great husband and three beautiful daughters... I'm tired of how fear is continuing to control my life ... I'm a very creative person who loves people but am held back by my fears and anxiety... just this week, I was honored to be offered a leadership position in an women's group I have belonged to for years.... they called and became frozen with fear... it's a very big job (2 year commitment) and I know that I would have done a good job but I turned it down because of fear and lack of confidence... My husband and older daughters were telling me to go for it ... would push me out of my comfort zone, get me out with people more (I don't work) and be good for me... all the things I knew were true... but I was scrambling for reasons not to accept. My youngest daughter is 9 and in third grade (my older daughters are both in college)....by the way. My reasonings were I needed to be available to the little one still and we are thinking of remodeling our kitchen. In my heart, I was just fearful and scared of the challenge.... It would've required a huge amount of time and energy. I certainly could've done it but was paralyzed by fear and doubt. My excuse that my daughter still needed me was the one I used when I called to turn it down.... My friends understood and said I made the right decision.... but now I'm spending my time dealing with regret and disappointment in myself... my older daughters are seeing me as not strong (my perception) and I feel I've not been a good example for them... I have a a very hard time with decison-making and taking chances... my life is going no where because of this and I'm sick and tired of not living my life.... I know I need to get out and get a job and start living again.... right now I'm beating up myself for making the wrong decision.... its too late now.....what can I do to feel better? Help please!!!

Tired of regret

[crystalgaze]

Oh yes... I know about fear... I should be out singing (because I can sing classical operatic songs well enough, I guess, especially if I practice again).

I can do it, but I don't... It takes a lot of energy. For me, it's a bit difficult NOT to laugh in the middle of it. Also, I've never had any REAL formal training....

______________________

What's good is that we both realize we are missing out & have missed out on things. To me, the 1st step is making a plan to counter what keeps happening.

This can be done in therapy. Or it can also be done with your husband. Do you think he will be willing to help? If you haven't, tell him what you posted here & express to him that you'd really like to work on it & ask if he has any ideas. (Two minds are better than 1?)

Of course, it will take effort...

As for the regret, if you are able to work on the fear, you won't have to regret too much in the future. Just continue as you have, but adjust a few things. (Life is like flying a plan--making a few adjustments to cope.)

Maybe you can start by trying to find work again. Maybe something like that will help? (I have been going to interviews & just by that act alone, I am becoming less fearful of things.)

You are on the right track! Don't be too hard on yourself!

[shatteredhopes]

I know fear...anxiety...I fear success and I fear failure...I fear when good things happen they will be taken away, the rug pulled out from under me...I fear bad things happening, as they have in my life so often over the last 5 years especially...I am a writer who doesn't write because I can't get the courage up; when I do, I am overly critical of myself and then don't proceed with more...

I like the definition of courage that says its not the absence of fear, its acting anyway despite it...mustering the courage...

Support helps...can you join a support group for job seekers? Its normal that if you've been out of the job market a while you are fearful and doubting yourself...taking a class on job seeking, resume preparation, etc., may help you get your courage and confidence up to apply for positions...networking as you probably know is essential in job seeking. I don't know where you live, but for instance in the US the chamber of commerce offers a number of networking and education opportunities...finding a support system is critical for getting your courage up...

Maybe you can start with small challenges, just like looking on the internet for job postings...updating your resume...taking things in small increments may make it easier and as you achieve each goal, then your confidence should grow...

Another option, consider volunteer work...instead of getting back to paying work right away, why not get involved with a charity on a short term basis to prove to yourself you can do it...organize a fund drive or event, for instance...that will also give you something current for your resume and networking opportunities...there is sometimes slightly less pressure with volunteer work, as expectations aren't as high sometimes as paying work, you can work on a flexible schedule, ask for help with any task you may need help with without feeling any guilt...doing something to build your confidence and improve self-esteem may be just the ticket to ease you back into the job market...

Eager to see the advice and support you get as I have these issues too!

Wishing you light and peace in your day...