Rock Bottom

[Mich]

Just when I think I have seen the bottom, I manage to hit a new low. I cannot see how it is possible to make it through this Christmas season. It is just such a bad time for me and I am tired of facing it year after year. I am barely moving today. I did manage to get dressed to drive my son to school but have not done anything since. I am just lying in my despair; waiting for it to take me away. If God could just put me to sleep and I'd never wake up I would be eternally grateful. Sometimes the road is just too hard. Sometimes it is just not possible to get out.
My doctor has refused to give me any Ativan or Klonopin to help deal with my anxiety after the phone call to my mother yesterday. I don't think he cares about my suffering at all.

[crybaby1086]

((((Mich))) Lie down and be still for awhile. Have a good cry. Then get up clean yourself up and try and do something nice for yourself. Get a nice coffee or something.
Did you call your Mom to tell her not to come for xmas? How happened?
Thinking about you
Robyn

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I never know what to say that won't sound shallow, but here goes......
Please, please, please, don't harm yourself. Get help, by calling 911, if you have to, or something like that. ( I don't really know how mental health services work in the US, but hopefully you will know where to go for help in an ultimate crisis moment. You are worth it! )
Please don't think this is me being trite. But, perhaps you are underestimating how strong you are. You don't think you can make it through the Christmas season. But, if the US is like the UK, the Christmas season has been going for a while already. In a sense you are making it through the Christmas season. You've already made it to the 3rd of December. Perhaps you could try not thinking about getting through the Christmas " season ". Perhaps, you could just try getting through tomorrow, without hurting yourself. And, then you will have gotten through the 4th of December...( I so hope this whole post doesn't sound trite. But, my own thoughts, feelings, and experiences are all I have to draw on. Hopefully, they might help some people, at least sometimes, and to some extent. )
To quote Eyes Only in Dark Angel: " Stay strong in the struggle. Peace. Out "

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((((( Mich ))))))))))))))))

Realize you are at a low but I have seen your strength in the forums. So many care for you and will do all we can to help. Remember that.

Keeping you close in thoughts and prayers.

Warmie

[shatteredhopes]

(((((Mich))))) talk to your doctor about non-narcotics for anxiety, such as Paxil or Visteral (sp? its an antihistamine sometimes prescribed for anxiety). Tell your doctor the anxiety is just too much to handle. I know the doc is worried about you overdosing, but anxiety and panic can land you in the emergency room thinking you are having a heart attack...how is that better? Maybe if he won't give you something else or a small quanity, you should think about switching doctors. Or, maybe make a pact with your doctor you will NOT overdose without trying going into the hospital first. Make that promise and keep it if he will give you something to help you, so you can trust each other.

Meanwhile, you know ... deep breathing, muscle relaxation exercises, soothing music, long hot bath or shower, meditation/prayer, soothing aromas, cutting back on caffeine, anything you can do to calm yourself or practice as preventative measure. Sometimes just writing or talking helps me a lot. Have you tried the chat room on this site? Maybe try the crisis line again if you need to? Also, are you eating regularly? When you don't eat your blood sugar can get low and mimic or exacerbate (badly) anxiety.
Also, too much sugar or carbs like rice cakes can spike sugar then cause anxiety-like symptoms and then crash, also causing anxiety like symptoms sometimes...eat some protein, even something like just a heeping spoonful of peanut butter. Worried you aren't eating enough.

BE PROUD YOU handled that with your parents. Stressful, absolutely, but oh so brave and proving you are far stronger than you feel right now. Its done now, so try to let it go as best you can. I think that was a very insightful point above about we are already getting through the Christmas season...you did something for yourself this Christmas, you cancelled the get together with your parents upon doctor's advice. So treat yourself, reward yourself, thought that was an excellent idea above. Maybe go buy yourself some pretty or really comfy pajama's as present to yourself, if you can swing it. Would you feel comfortable getting a massage? Even just manicure and pedicure they will massage hands and feet...relaxing.

Sending calming thoughts and sisterly love your way...

[Mich]

I am still in distress today. I am listening to music and snapping the elastic band on my wrist to ward off self harm urges. I have my appt later today and to get from the parking to the hospital I have to walk on a sidewalk alongside a busy road with fast moving traffic. I often get scared of myself when walking there thinking that one bad impulse would spell disaster. There is no other way to walk. I will walk on the far side of the sidewalk as far away from the traffic as I can get to ensure safety.
I should be Christmas shopping today but I just cannot bring myself to do it. I am paralyzed inside this house. The longer I leave it, the more panicked I will become yet still I cannot move to go out.
I don't know why I have to continue to go through the agony that is my life. Why must I think of others?
Oh oh....depressing song on....better change it. Snap snap snap.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((((((((( Mich )))))))))))))))))))))

This isn't a lot, but it a warm and sincere hug for you. Take it a moment at a time if you must.

In my thoughts

Warmie

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I have to admit that I'm not really comfortable myself being in the city centre on Saturdays when the Christmas shopping crowds are at their worst. Although, might you be unconsciously be in danger of slipping into thinking in terms of a false choice, between staying at home and " full-on " Christmas shopping? Might it help if you thought in terms of, say going out for a coffee, and then going home ? And, if you happen to buy a few Christmas presents on the way there, or back, you could see that as a bonus.
I'm a little concerned that the more you worry about all the Christmas shopping that you " should " be doing, the less you're going to feel like going out. And, the more that you avoid going out, the more you'll worry about all the Christmas shopping you " should " be doing. That's the " all or nothing trap I fall into sometimes . As, far as I'm concerned your Christmas planning will be a success if you can get through the Christmas season without harming yourself physically, or feeling worse emotionally. ( Although, I am sensitive that it's a lot easier to be calm about Christmas planning when you don't have a family to find presents for! )

[Mich]

It's Friday night and I am all alone. Husband is swimming, son is at a sleepover and daughter is at a birthday party. I hate myself so much right now. I hate myself for having no life, no friends. I want to cut. I need to in order to stop this raging beast inside me. My life feels so empty...because it is so empty. I am unable to fill it with anything. Why doesn't anyone like me and want to be my friend? I am hideous and unlovable and that will never change.

[shatteredhopes]

based on the kind caring support you give, I think you are very loveable ((((((Mich))))) and your family does too. Please don't cut. Try ice. Wax your legs. Write some more. You are upset probably still about the thing with your parents. You did good, right...feel proud of yourself. I am your friend (((((((Mich)))))).

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((((((( Mich ))))))))))))))))))))

Friendship and hugs, always here for you.

Warmie

[lisalou]

I want to be your friend mich. I will always be your friend. If christmas shopping is too scary,maybe you should just buy everyone's gifts on the Internet? Maybe if you do take up hospital volunteering when you're a little stronger you will feel like your life is less empty and feel some pride in yourself. I really recommend mental health support groups, i have made some precious friends with very similar feelings to mine. so many people at these groups also have extreme social anxiety and low self esteem and find it hard to talk so everyone will understand you and there will be no pressure to join in when you don't feel able. sometimes just a quiet 1-to-1 chat with one person you feel drawn too or simply sitting quietly,drinking tea, in a safe, neutral space can help. my group was not on yesterday and it made me appreciate what a wonderful resource it is

[TackingIntoTheWind]

I've had some of my worst times at night, and when I've been alone. Particularly, during the " Hour of the Wolf ", that time when you can't sleep, and all you can think of is how your life should have gone and didn't, and dawn seems too far away. So, I can understand how you feel.
But, do please try not to harm yourself, I know very little about self-harm so I can't advise you precisely how to avoid doing so, but, if you've found any helpful strategies to avoid doing so, please use them.
I went to a course provided by the British mental health charity MIND on dealing with stress, anxiety and depression. It took place for two hours on Wednesday afternoons for six weeks, and I found it very helpful. So, I think ShatteredHopes is right, you might well benefit from some type of support group. Volunteering at a hospital, or something similar might well also help you to feel that your life is less empty, more " connected " to other people's lives, when you feel well enough to do so. I used to be a volunteer at an adult literacy group, helping people to improve their reading and writing skills, and I've often suspected that it helped me more than the people using the group! Is there some hobby, or interest that you have that might help you meet people. I'm a huge fan of what in the UK is known as " Cult TV" , Star Trek, Doctor Who, Heroes, Buffy The Vampire Slayer etc, and I met quite a few friends through my interest in this. Also, if I meet someone new who is even slightly interested in anything like this, it gives us something to talk about.
Please hang on!

[Mich]

Early Saturday night and I am alone again. Husband at gym, son and daughter at friends. Just the dog and I. The depression weighs heavily on my chest. I don't know what to do with myself to ease the feeling. I wish I could read but I just cannot focus. It's too cold to go out and I don't feel like getting wet in a bath or shower. The feeling is simply crushing. My natural instinct is to self harm but I am going to avoid that tonight. It just hurts so much. When does it end?

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((((( Mich )))))))))))))))))))))

Proud of you fighting the urges. Not an easy thing to do, but you are. Proud, proud. very proud of you!!!!!!!!!!

WTG

Warmie/Jeanie