Only here ,but each post brings me fear

[xn728]

Only here can i post how i REALLY feel ,but as i post i feel im doing wrong
poisoning the forum with my sickness ,but this is all i ever feel ,
even when its good for me its BAD ,yes dark all the time ,with a little
feeling better just now and then ,sometimes i say hey i feel a little better
just a front really ,it doesnt last long ,every post to me is like cutting
myself ,they must be sick of seeing this ,surely you dont need to read about my pain ,even thouugh i see yours and try to help ,my posts only bring me guilt ,i constantly worrie about what ive written ,hopeing i have
not affended anyone ,so like checking ive locked the door over and over
i keep returning to the posts over and over ,worry ,worry ,worry ,
and when i talk about death and such like ,i worry you ,and your replys
show how ankcious you are about me ,so i feel guilt again ,the kind words
i reach out for ,bring me comfort ,but i feel why did i make these poor people worry ,they have there own pain ,i dont mean to cause you worry
if there was any other way i could realise this without hurting you i surely
would ,but through my love for others , i have cut myself off ,i dont do this selfishly ,you can see from my words to others that i dont come here just to take ,i like giving to you my dear freinds ,its what it all about ,im a crazy guy ,in one way or another i feel guilty about just about everything i do ,ive made mistakes here ,and it still hurts now ,its the way i am ,but if i had what ever you needed ,and you asked me for it i would give it freely I am very ill right now ,and i hope im not pushing you away tommorrow is soon gonna be here and i dont really think i can do another day ,im going crazy i just want to explode and smash anything everthing ,maybe if i went mad and got arrested i might get some real help its like i dont exist,,,everytime ,all i get is ahh well ,lets see how
you are in 3 mnths time then ,,shit one let down after another 43 years of let downs ,lucky me ,
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,xn728,,,,ken