Anyone anxious about Thanksgiving?

[blueisgreen]

I am having quite a time this year coping with the upcoming Thanksgiving holiday. I don't speak to any of my blood relatives, so the holidays in general put me in an odd state of mind. As everyone joyously awaits their visits with relatives, I cringe and want to hide and self medicate. On top of that, many years ago a dear friend of mine died of an asthma attack at my house immediately after a Thanksgiving dinner I made. Every year I try to escape the inevitable pain. All I know is if I can keep myself going, at some point after January 1st I will feel better, somehow. Each year becomes more difficult to get through the 6 or 8 weeks of holiday garbage.
This year I made plans to take my teenage daughter to a friend's house for a few days, even though I can not afford it, I decided it would be the healthiest option for myself and also my daughter. My partner will not leave town during that time because his 3 grown children will all be visiting. Now I find out that his x wife has invited him for dinner. They are not friends and did not have an amicable divorce.
This new twist on the holiday has me in a complete melt down mode. I had a huge argument with my partner and now we are not speaking. At my last therapy session he came along and announced that I am "too clingy". We have been together for over 10 years. We do not live together and I manage my own bills and such. I'm completely confused. One of my friends suggested that he is trying to push me away so that he can feel Ok and guilt free to spend the holiday with his x wife. I don't know, but I am in a terrible downward spiral now. I have to get on a plane with my daughter tomorrow, arrive at my friend's house for the next 5 days and I don't know how I will put on my game face and cope with everything this week. I wish to end this pain. Any helpful suggestions will be appreciated. Thank you.

[Mich]

I can certainly understand how this time of year is very painful for you. I think it is good that you are getting away. It is a very nice thing you are doing for your daughter; be proud of yourself that you can do this for her. I don't have any words of wisdom. I wish I did for you are always so insightful for others. This depression just renders me stupid and it is very frustrating to not have a working mind. Please know that you will be in my thoughts and I hope everything goes as well as it can for you.

[blueisgreen]

Thank you so much Mich.
I am amazed you will keep me in your thoughts - that helps just to know that. I don't do my daughter any favors dragging her around while I'm a mess, but I appreciate what you are trying to say. When I was fighting with my partner he started screaming at me, "you're insane you're insane" and
now I feel like our entire relationship of so many years has been a big lie. So I wrote this poem and I like it. At least I have me.


The farce of it all
Makes me see red
Red like the blood of the moon
Red until that bitch is dead
Red for my eternal soul
Black as night and dark as my heart
I will be strong and win my fight
With my iron gates all around me and the moat and the quicksand
To keep me safe in my isolation like some evil wicked seed that must be stopped and squashed and anihilated for good
I will only venture out with my mouth zippered shut and my gaze downcast so as no one can really see me or know me or feel my icy needy clinging clawing self.
Drown her for good in the warm clear water
Choke on the sand as the trigger fish laugh
Free this miserable being from all that she knows
Kill her stab her laugh at her
She leaves nothing behind
Forget about her

[xn728]

how could he say your insane ,even in a fit of rage this is not acceptable
im sorry for saying that terrible thing to you ,it was very insensative of me and i hope you will forgive me .there ive apologised for that awful thing ,he said your not insane ,you are very warm and kind hearted,
you suffer from an illness but it has made you special ,you have been blessed with gifts depression has given you ,unless you suffered this way
you would not have an understanding of something you cant see but can feel ,compassion is a gift born of suffering ,your suffering can allow you to see others pain that no one else can see ,and the most perfect gift of
all ,your caring mind ,i use mine all the time ,if your haveing a bad time
look with your mind and not your eyes , your not alone now
and wont be alone at thanksgiving ,because you can use your mind and
look all around you and your freinds here will be with you ,we will look down upon you ,and you will feel safe in our gaze .deppression gives us all
these wonderful things ,people who dont suffer from this illness would love to have these things we posses .look after them blueisgreen,,
stay safe my dear freind ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,ken ,,,,,,,,,,xn728

[shatteredhopes]

I think the others are right, he accused you of being "too clingy" to shovel the blame on you when HE is the one who chose not to spend this holiday with you but his ex, which would make anyone insecure, much less someone who suffers from depression. Don't let him shift his guilt off onto blaming you for something he is doing that is at best insensitive. My ex one time accused me of being too clingy, so I did my best to give him more space, even though it was a long distance relationship and except for occasional visits, nightly phone calls were all we really had. What he was really saying is he no longer wished to spend time with me and I was no longer a priority for him, but I didn't see the many signs and was shocked when he dumped me, and was cruel in how he did it at that. Ask him when you are talking again exactly how you are clingy and what he would like to feel more space...likely its just bs because he knows he's the one who is doing something inappropriate.

Like you, I dread the holidays. Thanksgiving is the anniverary of a traumatic event for me, and I will be alone. My brother (who hurt me badly and with whom I am not on speaking terms) is spending it with my mother, and my sister, who is demeaning to me because I am mentally ill, will be there too. I helped my mom with my grocery shopping earlier and she was talking about how she planned to get out her wedding china for the holiday...blah blah blah. I will be alone and fighting memories and flashbacks and they will all gather for holiday cheer and although I don't think its intentional, I feel like she is rubbing it in my face.

Glad you are going away. Sometimes a change of scenery can be helpful, especially after the big fight with your partner. Maybe there's some new tradition you could start with your daughter, like going shopping the next day or making a special dish together or going to a parade or something? Does your friend who you are staying with understand depression and might respect if you need alone time to seclude yourself for a bit? Might be good when you first arrive to mention that might happen...I dunno. Keeping busy in the kitchen that you mentioned on another post sounds like a good plan, sometimes doing busy work won't allow you to think too much and postpones any meltdown til you are more alone.

Will you be able to access a computer? I plan on spending part of Thanksgiving right here...I will likely need the support. Gratitude generally helps me cope a little better, I am thankful I can see hear I am not in the hopsital, etc., and that's what Thanksgiving is supposed to be about...maybe I will make out a gratitude list.

The holidays will bite, no way around it, but at least you have your daughter. I know it must be hard to stiffle your feelings around her, but the love and warmth of another human presence is wonderful comfort sometimes.

Wishing you light and peace in your day...I hope someone has some insight for you, and me too, to get through this...

[blueisgreen]

Thank you all so much for responding to my post.
I feel dreadful. I won't really have access to a computer when I'm gone.
If there is any way I can check in with you, I will.
Know that I am thinking of you too.
Shattered, I have also spent many Thanksgivings alone and I actually prefer
it that way. Since I have a daughter now I have to do something so as not to ruin the holiday for her and ruin it for the rest of her life. We can't seem to do traditions or rituals around here. I just try to get through the best way I can. Some years I have cooked and had people over. Other times I have gone away to escape all the crap.
Today I went out for the first time in 3 days. I went to a liquor store
and spent too much money there.
Thank you Ken for apologizing to me in place of my partner - that was very sweet, and I appreciate it so much, but it doesn't help me deep down where I am aching.
But thank you so much everyone for hearing me. I suppose my partner is trying to break off with me. If we are not speaking, we are not together anyway, right? Since we don't live together there is nothing
to force us to interact. When he said I was clingy I was so shocked. I am such an independent person that the adjective "clingy" makes my skin crawl with disgust. I can not ever call him again because I must fight this idea of "clingy".
Calling someone means you are needy, which makes you clingy. It's times like this I want to go adopt a kitten. I will be one of those lonely old ladies with too many cats.