I am really normal and happy, but so depressed...

[Doog]

Ok so I'm 41. I am a really normal guy. There's a pic of me at the bottom of this post.

I've got a great job. Seemingly lots of friends. I'm always happy. I go running, I go to the gym, I play football. When I go out I have a great time. Everyone thinks I'm just very happy and stable, and I always have been.

In February my wife and I separated after 7 years married. Now we're divorcing. It's amicable, we're not against each other. We had a miscarriage in Dec 2012 and all of 2013 has been us drifting apart. We have one son, 6, whom I love with every atom of my body, and his brother, 8, is from her previous marriage is also 'my' son as we met when he was just 6 months old.

She's found someone new already back in March (!) (wow, so soon) but I'm ok with that because we can't be together. Neither she nor I want it.

I met someone a few weeks ago. I felt so lucky, she was perfect. it was amazing we both really hit it off and it was all going great until she said she wasn't ready for a relationship. The only words she left out were 'with you' and 'ever'. She hasn't spoken to me since. I think this has plunged me into despair. I had a few unsuccessful dates before that and I just feel so lonely. It's like life said to me: Here's the best feeling in the world ..... And then said ..... But now here's the worst. BAM.

So this isn't just me suffering from Dumpsville... This is me sad that my marriage failed, sad that I am not with my boys every day (esp my own son), sad that they're gradually getting a new dad, sad that my best friends moved away ... One to Melbourne Australia, the other to start his new life with his pregnant wife. All my other friends, are my ex-wife's and our friends, couples, with kids, and I just can't see them any more. It's weird. And all the friends I go out with are work related and they quite simply don't know me. And on top of that I met someone and, well I'm very sensitive and loving, too much so, so to top it off, bizarre as it may sound I've just had my heart partially broken again while I was repairing it. I can't see what my life can offer me.

One of my friends texted me on Thu night 'we're out for a drink, come out' I replied 'Sorry I'm at home wallowing in depression' ... Her reply "ok". She's not a friend! If I was actually on the edge of a bridge ready to jump, that response would have tipped the balance. Luckily I was moping on my bed.

But .... Hey .... I keep fit, I run, I play football, I go to the gym, I read, I love to laugh ... So why am I very very sad. I think depressed. I'm sure of it. Whether it's now setting in, or just a dip in my otherwise stable, happy personality ... Who knows BUT I'm taking steps in the wrong direction.

I keep crying. (I have no idea why). I cried after facetime with my boys the other day. I held it in at work all day, then when the last person left the office he said 'not coming for a drink?' .. I burbled a reply, or shook my head... 'Youve been quiet today are you ok?' he said ... I nodded and as he said bye and the door closed I just burst into tears. I've no idea what's wrong with me.

I keep having suicidal thoughts ... I'm sure you know the ones: no-one will care if I'm not here any more, no-one will notice if I'm not here, the people closest to me will be sad but get over me, it's better for me and everyone if I'm just not here ... Etc

And then I think of different ways of doing it. My office block is 10 floors up. It wouldn't be too difficult.

I even made a statement today at work in the office, I said "Just to let everyone know, I think I may be clinically depressed - how tough is this window?". And then I dialled into a conference call I was due to be on.

One person looked up and considered what I said. I saw him out the corner of my eye. Everyone else just thought I was joking because one of my projects was being problematic ... And I'm ALWAYS so happy.

I am crying out for help ... People aren't seeing the signs. Can I be any more obvious ??????????? I don't want to speak to Samaritans or talk lines. I don't want to see a doctor. I'm depressed, it's not what you want to do when you feel like this, after a certain point, right ? Well I don't anyway. Even typing it, logically I can see I'm recognising all the signs but it's meaningless to me. I mean ... I did sprints at the gym today after work, I then did weights ... This is self improvement !!! But then while I was getting changed .... Suicide thoughts again.... I know it doesn't make sense, if you've read this far you probably have better idea of how mixed up I am then me... Again, logically I can see all this happening, I'm not ready to jump off an office block yet, but I'm certainly heading down that path ... Maybe I'll get there, maybe I won't. I assume this is the cry for help stage.

I deactivated facebook an hour ago, so I've cut myself off from people .... Although I didn't delete facebook .... Yet ....then I google suicide sites, and found some, then I found my way here.

I'm just so sad. This is me last Saturday in Berlin. (before Dumpsville added to my woes). Below that is two pics of my wife(ex) and me in happier times. And below that, me at the gym after my sprint session today. Why would I be depressed, look at me ... I'm not that much of a loser am I ?

I think if I didn't have my son. I would be dead bnd in fact, if anything ever happened to him, I know I would kill myself. This is how fragile I feel right now.

[Doog]

Couple of hours at I got a text from a girl I went on a date with a few months ago. Nothing came of it back then but we stayed in contact - but she asked if I'd blocked her on facebook,

I said no, I deactivated it. I told her why and she said come on let's meet up today.

Made me cry. Someone I've texted for a few months and only met once noticed first ... Before all my 'friends'.

I'm not going to see her. I mean what an idiot ... Fully grown guy reduced to tears.... how embarrassing. No, not going to happen, I know she'll text back. I expect when I don't reply she will ring me. I know she will want to help, but I'll be bad for her right now. She's got her own problems without some weeping softy coming into her life.

This forum is quite empty. I thought there would be more people active.

Still I think this helps me talking like this. I'm writing as if someone is reading so it feels ok. Better than that chat room, that was awful.

[Doog]

Well interesting, but still no help. Friend contacted good old Dumpsville (she's actually lovely really) via facebook and asked if she could contact me for him.

She did, and the chat got going ... (Short version)

Her> are you ok?

Me> you broke my heart

Her> I'm sorry I didn't mean to. I just didn't know what to say, it wasn't the right time for us to meet. I didn't mean to hurt you.

Me> you didn't need to type lots, just ... I don't fancy you, I never want to be in a relationship with you, I like another guy better, I could be with you but once I've sorted myself out (I gave her a longer list than this). Anything that was a truth, but you said what you said and nothing more. Left me confused.

Her> it was the wrong time to meet, we should never have met, I made a mistake, it's not that I don't like you you're really nice, but just the wrong time.

Me> but what does that mean ? In 6 months it will be the right time ???! I know in your head that's not true cos you mean it will NEVER be the right time. That confuses me. When WAS the right time then ? (I said more about be happy, always be her friend etc ....)

She hasn't replied. She won't.

Seems to me like she won't give the real reason cos she thinks it'll hurt me, even though I gave her a decent list to pick from.

Ugh. At least I'm now a bit cross instead of depressed. That'll change at 3am when I wake up....

[grandmablues]

Doog...I can only hope that you will fore-go the "macho" thinking that men don't need help and they can/should handle it all themselves.

Stress and depression are nasty combatants and you sound like you have hit bottom. Please, please make an appointment with your medical doctor. Many times, that is all that is needed and you can get help from them whether through medication or therapy.

You think doctors don't see men in tears? What is wrong with tears? Your heart is breaking and tears are a normal reaction.

Meds and/or therapy can help you cope. Don't try to do it all yourself as many times that can be dangerous. Even if you think you won't do anything drastic...consider that you've been "there" and some day...

You've had a lot pile up on you...get yourself some help through this.

Please do!

[Kambaxia]

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[Spleefy]

Hey, mate. I see this is an old post, but I will send you out positive thoughts and loving-kindness, nevertheless.

Please hang in there when times are rough or when they seem unbearable. There is an ebb and flow in life and so the painful feelings we have now is only temporary.

I’m relieved that you had something (in your case, your boy) to keep you going. It would be devastating if something was to happen to you. People WOULD care and they would be be deeply hurt.

The statements you made about people not caring or that it’s better for everyone if you weren’t around is NOT true. I had the exact thoughts when I was suicidal everyday.

The truth is, the people, however few, will be devastated if we died. Just find and give yourself reasons to live.

Your son is one of the biggest reasons for you to live and to get through this. You are his dad. He loves you and he would be crushed if he lost his dad. He needs YOU--his father--in his life to guide him, to love him, to protect him, to be a role model for him. Nobody else can truly fulfill that role but YOU--his dad!

So you must find a way through this, pull through this. You must do whatever it takes to be a good role model for your beautiful boy. Don’t show him that when times get tough, we just throw in the towel and bail out on life.

You are loved, mate. You are needed! You are NOT a loser. You sound like a loving and caring man. You have many more years to live and a lot more to offer. You are going through a rough patch right now, but you WILL get through this. So you hang on, for yourself and for your son. You hang on for those who love you. You hang on because there IS light at the end of the tunnel.

Things may seem dark now, but it won’t always be that way. Just believe. Just have faith. Trust in it. Take one day at a time, one problem at a time.

I hope you have found peace and happiness in your life since you created this post.

Take care of yourself!

I will leave you a scripture that helps me when I find my thoughts crippling me: “And you should continue to be made new in your dominate mental attitude.”—Ephesians 4:23.

[jenyroy]

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