I just want to talk to someone. I'm not okay.

[Yanagi Niwa]

I don't really know how to start this, but as the title stated, I just want to talk to someone and I'm so tired right now. It's 3:05 am in here, I can't sleep, and I'm crying for no reason.

Here's what I feel right now...
I'm tired, I want to sleep like bears, you know, for months...
I want to kill my emotions. I think my head won't hurt so much if there's no emotion...
I had issue with rejection and betrayal, I don't remember when I started to take distance from people around me before they upset me (it was like a method to protect my feeling). Now it's hard for me to trust others or make connection...
I want to talk to my parents that I don't feel fine and I'm not trying to create drama. Please listen to me...
I have several health issue like eating disorder, lost hearing in one ear, and vertigo. What happen to me? I used to be very sporty, now my body won't listen to me. I also lost interest in hobbies I used to enjoy so much...
I just turned 30 but I look like a disgusting old woman...
But I have to live. I can't die. I have a daughter, and she needs a mom. She's a wonderful kid, she's 6 years old and she always tried so hard to make me happy. I always tell her, "Don't do it if you only want to please me. Do it because you want it and you're happy doing it." But she told me she wanted to make me proud - that's what I did and that's also how I lose control of my life. I have to make sure she didn't do the same mistake as I did.

I'm sorry if everything I write don't make any sense. But thank you for reading it anyway.

[defeated]

Welcome Yanagi Niwa and thank you for sharing your story.

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time right now. Are you currently seeking professional help? I know what its like to want to share with family or friends, but many don't understand and that can be frustrating. I'm glad you have your little girl. *hugs* Hang in there.