im dying and no one cares
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
I'm doing okay. There is no one to hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right but it's okay. I'm holding on to myself now. I don't really need anyone anymore. I'm holding on to life as hard as I can. And I'm doing good. I'm still lonely as hell but I look at my days with the eyes of a survivor of depression now.
Life is still pretty tough being so alone but I'm not giving up this time. If depression wants to fight then I am ready to give it one hell of a fight. I still wish I had a friend to hug me sometimes though but I've learned to live with that fact that might never happen.
It's Indian summer here and I'm enjoying every single moment of it. This evening I sat outside while the sun slipped down over the hills and covered everything with dark just like a soft, comforting blanket. The air was warm and sweet and I could only see two stars before some clouds moved in an swallowed them up.
Casper will let me touch his back now. He's still scared and timid but tonight I rubbed his back and he didn't seem to mind too much. He waits for me every single night and even sleeps on my front porch literally all night. He won't let me hold him but that's okay because I'm not giving up on trying.
It's hard but I'm learning to slowly handle my pain one step at a time. My niece though is just as frustrating as always. She won't pay her first child's dentist bill because she would rather my parents do it for her.... My nephew's teeth were black around the gums and he had about four cavity's to get filled. My mom of course, took him to the dentist and paid all of his bills. When I asked her why she did that my mom said it was simply because my niece " didn't want " to mess with paying it. NOT because she didn't have the money , she just simply didn't want to pay the bill.
She also recently called and asked my mom to pay her electric bill for her because she never paid the bill and the electric company was going to shut her power off. So of course , my mom does this for her and then a week later my niece actually had the nerve to send my mom a picture on her cellphone of a big , fancy couch she was going to buy herself...
I hate how she "uses" my parents .... my parents are on disability because of dads heart attack and they don't have much money. What they have they need for things like bread, milk, eggs , things around the house and for themselves... Plus they are elderly.
She doesn't like to pay her child's dentist bills etc. BUT she can treat herself to a new, expensive couch... She has the money for everything because she has a great job that pays very well.. she just doesn't want to pay for things sometimes. I'm telling ya .... sometimes it's so hard not to say something to her but I know that it wouldn't do any good... that's just the kind of person that she's always been. But.... if anything I guess it's has taught me to hold my temper and control my anger.
She cant handle one kid so how is she going to be able to handle two ?? She won't , as soon as her baby is born she's arranged to send it here to my house. Which is exactly what she did when her first kid was born.
Sometimes it's hard to believe in God you know what I mean ?? I mean they say there is a God so why does he let someone like her have children and me who would never do any of those things not be able to. I have to spend an entire lifetime never knowing what it would be like to be a mom. But it's okay though, like I said I'm slowly learning to deal with everything.
Who knows maybe someday she will grow up and become a better person. You have to keep having faith in people. Especially family.
As far as what those people online did to me I'm almost completely over it. I still think about what happened once in awhile but not much. Everything inside my heart tells me they weren't for real but I guess I will never truly know. It used to bother me a lot but not anymore. I could have exposed them but I'm glad I didn't. I used to care about them and I could never rat out someone that I used to care about no matter how bad they treated me or how fake they were. I still remember the conversations on the phone that I used to have with Angie. I really did care about her. If she was pretending to be that guy I hope someday she stops but I'm not reporting her. And because of that I've found my peace of mind. How crazy is that ??
If that guy was real then I'm much better off without him. If he cared he would have helped me it's as simple as that. He watched me suffer and he sat there and did nothing , well that just shows that I'm much better off without him in my life. I deserve someone that has no problem helping me. I mean if someone is your friend they won't even hesitate to help you right ?
I still have the love letters he sent me. It was the only conversations that I kept. Why I kept them I don't know.
Vicki is the only one I still have a real problem with. I remember the night I was suicidal and I went to her for help and I remember how she so easily turned her back on me. I don't think anyone my whole life has ever done anything so mean to me as she did. Hell , when I was 14 I was beat on and molested and that didn't even hurt as bad as what she did to me that night. But I look at it like this ...... I am way , WAY better off without her in my life. Screw her though.
I'm doing good. I don't know if I will ever open up to anyone else ever again but I CAN be happy and I am happy. I think about living now and not about suicide.
The other day I heard some really sad news. A local historic building in my town is in danger of being torn down because the county has very sadly and unfairly not kept up with it's care. It's 100 years old and falling apart.
I remember when I was a teen and my sister lived in it. I had the best damn summer of my life there and to think of them demolishing it because nobody even cared enough to upkeep it breaks my heart. After the 1990's when my sister moved out the town pretty much let it just sit to rot. They shut it down and just left the place. The roof is starting to fall apart and so are the porches and stairs.
Oh man , if you could only see this place. I fell in love with it the very first time I seen it. It was built 100 years ago and is one of the most amazing houses I've ever seen. It has balcony's and room after room after room. A huge basement probably the size of a football field and curved staircases on the inside.
Back in the 90's they would rent out the second floor and my sister lived there. You wasn't supposed to go to the upstairs " third story floor " part. There wasn't much on the second floor but bare , empty rooms but somehow I talked my sister into letting me and a couple of my friends who I went to school with sneak up there. We probably could have gotten in trouble by the law of we were caught but I promised my sister that we wouldn't tell anyone. We couldn't turn on the lights there for risk of being seen so we had to bring flashlights with us to use.
Oh my God what a summer I had there. We would bring our sleeping bags and sleep on the floor and tell each other ghost stories and pig out on junk food like pizza and chips and candy bears and soda pop. We would crawl out the window and sit on the roof and let me tell ya it was one hell of a tall roof. You could see for miles around and watch the headlights of the cars on the highway go by in the distance. We would talk for hours about our dreams , about boys , about our future and present life etc.
We would scare ourselves too. There was talk around town that the place was haunted. On some nights we did hear some crazy noises but never did see anything. Looking back now I'm sure it was just the house settling but back then we were scared to death at times but loved every minute of it.
I'll never forget going to sleep in my sleeping bag watching the moonlight shine off the walls. If I close my eyes now I can still see it even though it was like 23 years ago.
I miss my friends too after school they scattered to the winds and left the state. I imagine they are married now and with changed names I have no way to find them. But I think about them a lot.
I can't imagine the house being torn down though. When I heard that I swear to God I felt like crying. I wish there was something I could do to save it. But I think that's pretty much impossible.
There is a small secluded cemetery across the highway from the house. Very , very old. So old that some of the headstones are only marked with rocks because people back then couldn't afford headstones. Only two graves have an actual headstone. A man named Jacob and his wife Elizabeth. I remember the first time I seen it my whole entire heart went out to them. they died almost 200 years ago and their stones are so weathered that you can hardly read the names. I don't know why but I wanted to find out as much as I could about them. But I never could. I tried really hard for years... and guess what ??
When I heard the house was going to be torn down I wrote a letter protesting it in to our local community and I also mentioned the graveyard. A woman answered me and she said that she recognized the names of these people. They were her family back many , many generations ago and her and her family have been trying really hard to find where they were buried but they could never find them. She thanked me because I helped her find them. So that made me feel pretty good.
One thing I don't ever want to have to see is that house go. I know a part of my heart will go with it when it does.
The other day I went back there and took as many pictures of it from the outside as I could. They had a huge No Trespassing sign on the door so of course I couldn't go inside. But as I was leaving I stole a piece of the large pillar on the front lol.. It was falling apart anyway and almost on the ground so there wasn't any real harm in taking it. I know I will keep it always.
It's still so hard to believe that the house will have to come down. I will never forget that place as long as I live,.... NEVER EVER.
But anyway, thank you for asking Porcupine. That ugly monster called Depression won't get me. Not now and not ever.
Love and Hugs always
Life is still pretty tough being so alone but I'm not giving up this time. If depression wants to fight then I am ready to give it one hell of a fight. I still wish I had a friend to hug me sometimes though but I've learned to live with that fact that might never happen.
It's Indian summer here and I'm enjoying every single moment of it. This evening I sat outside while the sun slipped down over the hills and covered everything with dark just like a soft, comforting blanket. The air was warm and sweet and I could only see two stars before some clouds moved in an swallowed them up.
Casper will let me touch his back now. He's still scared and timid but tonight I rubbed his back and he didn't seem to mind too much. He waits for me every single night and even sleeps on my front porch literally all night. He won't let me hold him but that's okay because I'm not giving up on trying.
It's hard but I'm learning to slowly handle my pain one step at a time. My niece though is just as frustrating as always. She won't pay her first child's dentist bill because she would rather my parents do it for her.... My nephew's teeth were black around the gums and he had about four cavity's to get filled. My mom of course, took him to the dentist and paid all of his bills. When I asked her why she did that my mom said it was simply because my niece " didn't want " to mess with paying it. NOT because she didn't have the money , she just simply didn't want to pay the bill.
She also recently called and asked my mom to pay her electric bill for her because she never paid the bill and the electric company was going to shut her power off. So of course , my mom does this for her and then a week later my niece actually had the nerve to send my mom a picture on her cellphone of a big , fancy couch she was going to buy herself...
I hate how she "uses" my parents .... my parents are on disability because of dads heart attack and they don't have much money. What they have they need for things like bread, milk, eggs , things around the house and for themselves... Plus they are elderly.
She doesn't like to pay her child's dentist bills etc. BUT she can treat herself to a new, expensive couch... She has the money for everything because she has a great job that pays very well.. she just doesn't want to pay for things sometimes. I'm telling ya .... sometimes it's so hard not to say something to her but I know that it wouldn't do any good... that's just the kind of person that she's always been. But.... if anything I guess it's has taught me to hold my temper and control my anger.
She cant handle one kid so how is she going to be able to handle two ?? She won't , as soon as her baby is born she's arranged to send it here to my house. Which is exactly what she did when her first kid was born.
Sometimes it's hard to believe in God you know what I mean ?? I mean they say there is a God so why does he let someone like her have children and me who would never do any of those things not be able to. I have to spend an entire lifetime never knowing what it would be like to be a mom. But it's okay though, like I said I'm slowly learning to deal with everything.
Who knows maybe someday she will grow up and become a better person. You have to keep having faith in people. Especially family.
As far as what those people online did to me I'm almost completely over it. I still think about what happened once in awhile but not much. Everything inside my heart tells me they weren't for real but I guess I will never truly know. It used to bother me a lot but not anymore. I could have exposed them but I'm glad I didn't. I used to care about them and I could never rat out someone that I used to care about no matter how bad they treated me or how fake they were. I still remember the conversations on the phone that I used to have with Angie. I really did care about her. If she was pretending to be that guy I hope someday she stops but I'm not reporting her. And because of that I've found my peace of mind. How crazy is that ??
If that guy was real then I'm much better off without him. If he cared he would have helped me it's as simple as that. He watched me suffer and he sat there and did nothing , well that just shows that I'm much better off without him in my life. I deserve someone that has no problem helping me. I mean if someone is your friend they won't even hesitate to help you right ?
I still have the love letters he sent me. It was the only conversations that I kept. Why I kept them I don't know.
Vicki is the only one I still have a real problem with. I remember the night I was suicidal and I went to her for help and I remember how she so easily turned her back on me. I don't think anyone my whole life has ever done anything so mean to me as she did. Hell , when I was 14 I was beat on and molested and that didn't even hurt as bad as what she did to me that night. But I look at it like this ...... I am way , WAY better off without her in my life. Screw her though.
I'm doing good. I don't know if I will ever open up to anyone else ever again but I CAN be happy and I am happy. I think about living now and not about suicide.
The other day I heard some really sad news. A local historic building in my town is in danger of being torn down because the county has very sadly and unfairly not kept up with it's care. It's 100 years old and falling apart.
I remember when I was a teen and my sister lived in it. I had the best damn summer of my life there and to think of them demolishing it because nobody even cared enough to upkeep it breaks my heart. After the 1990's when my sister moved out the town pretty much let it just sit to rot. They shut it down and just left the place. The roof is starting to fall apart and so are the porches and stairs.
Oh man , if you could only see this place. I fell in love with it the very first time I seen it. It was built 100 years ago and is one of the most amazing houses I've ever seen. It has balcony's and room after room after room. A huge basement probably the size of a football field and curved staircases on the inside.
Back in the 90's they would rent out the second floor and my sister lived there. You wasn't supposed to go to the upstairs " third story floor " part. There wasn't much on the second floor but bare , empty rooms but somehow I talked my sister into letting me and a couple of my friends who I went to school with sneak up there. We probably could have gotten in trouble by the law of we were caught but I promised my sister that we wouldn't tell anyone. We couldn't turn on the lights there for risk of being seen so we had to bring flashlights with us to use.
Oh my God what a summer I had there. We would bring our sleeping bags and sleep on the floor and tell each other ghost stories and pig out on junk food like pizza and chips and candy bears and soda pop. We would crawl out the window and sit on the roof and let me tell ya it was one hell of a tall roof. You could see for miles around and watch the headlights of the cars on the highway go by in the distance. We would talk for hours about our dreams , about boys , about our future and present life etc.
We would scare ourselves too. There was talk around town that the place was haunted. On some nights we did hear some crazy noises but never did see anything. Looking back now I'm sure it was just the house settling but back then we were scared to death at times but loved every minute of it.
I'll never forget going to sleep in my sleeping bag watching the moonlight shine off the walls. If I close my eyes now I can still see it even though it was like 23 years ago.
I miss my friends too after school they scattered to the winds and left the state. I imagine they are married now and with changed names I have no way to find them. But I think about them a lot.
I can't imagine the house being torn down though. When I heard that I swear to God I felt like crying. I wish there was something I could do to save it. But I think that's pretty much impossible.
There is a small secluded cemetery across the highway from the house. Very , very old. So old that some of the headstones are only marked with rocks because people back then couldn't afford headstones. Only two graves have an actual headstone. A man named Jacob and his wife Elizabeth. I remember the first time I seen it my whole entire heart went out to them. they died almost 200 years ago and their stones are so weathered that you can hardly read the names. I don't know why but I wanted to find out as much as I could about them. But I never could. I tried really hard for years... and guess what ??
When I heard the house was going to be torn down I wrote a letter protesting it in to our local community and I also mentioned the graveyard. A woman answered me and she said that she recognized the names of these people. They were her family back many , many generations ago and her and her family have been trying really hard to find where they were buried but they could never find them. She thanked me because I helped her find them. So that made me feel pretty good.
One thing I don't ever want to have to see is that house go. I know a part of my heart will go with it when it does.
The other day I went back there and took as many pictures of it from the outside as I could. They had a huge No Trespassing sign on the door so of course I couldn't go inside. But as I was leaving I stole a piece of the large pillar on the front lol.. It was falling apart anyway and almost on the ground so there wasn't any real harm in taking it. I know I will keep it always.
It's still so hard to believe that the house will have to come down. I will never forget that place as long as I live,.... NEVER EVER.
But anyway, thank you for asking Porcupine. That ugly monster called Depression won't get me. Not now and not ever.
Love and Hugs always
A powerful journal you have here, Star. I read through some of it. Can I say this? (I'm gonna anyway): I truly in my heart hope you find what you need -- to find equilibrium in your life.... maybe even equanimity, because, with all your pain processed, what a gift you could be to the world. I am totally serious. I see it in you through your writing. Oh, I know it would be a path and a journey. The biggest of your life, maybe.
Just a thought/observation.
Kindly
n
Just a thought/observation.
Kindly
n
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Thank you Nenkohai2. I've always dreamed of changing the world. Making the world a better place. Doing everything that I had inside of me to at least try. I really want to be that kind of a person. If I can only save myself first.
Hey there Porcupine. I'm okay I guess. There's just so much going on now in my life it makes my head spin. And not in the good sense.
I'm at the point where I'm ready to make a makeshift Teepee somewhere out in the woods far away from everyone and just move there lol.
Aside from my own personal problems that I'm going through my niece and her son " my nephew " make everything a whole lot harder. My niece is a good person don't get me wrong she is just so lame brained to say the least. I've tried really hard to understand her but I can never seem to be able to . In a way it's sad because I've never seen anyone so clueless in my life. For as long as I can remember she's taken her son for granted. I know she loves him I have no doubt of that but she has no idea how to be a parent. And now her kid is really feeling the burn from that. He is more loud and rude and overbearing than ever. And I have a gut feeling that he is starting to mess with drugs. I don't know that for sure but at lot of signs are kind of pointing to that.
When my niece broke up with her old boyfriend she moved into a house a few miles from mine and as soon as she did she started going online looking for a new boyfriend on all those "online dating" sites. I think it was only like two or three weeks after she broke up with him..... and I remember my mother telling her to " slow down " and just spend some time with her son for awhile because he needed her but my niece wouldn't do it. The only thing she seemed to care about at the time was "getting a new boyfriend " and she did. She found a new guy and after like only 3 or 4 months of knowing him she had him move into her house and then only about a couple months or so after that she gets pregnant again. And I have a pretty good idea that she got herself pregnant on purpose. --- But yet , neither her or her new boyfriend have the time to take care of this baby coming because they have to work so she expects me and my parents to take care of it for her. She pretty much signed us up for that job without even asking us if it was okay first so now we basically have no choice....
And my nephew is really feeling the pressure from all of this. With her old boyfriend she would always put him first and her son last and he knew this. He has a lot of behavioral issues even last year had a probation officer on him.
And this school year right now is no different. Everyone has a hell of a time getting him to go to school ( he's only 15 ). A couple days ago my niece came on our doorstep with no warning at all at about 8 in the morning and said that he refused to go to school and she couldn't deal with him anymore and that he was stressing her out too much and she left him here at our house for us to deal with.
It was a hell of a day all he did was yell and be rude to my parents. My mom was almost in tears my dad who has a heart condition was totally stressed out...... But I felt really bad for my nephew though because the one thing he kept repeating over and over was that his mom never spends anytime with him.
The same night she left him here he was begging my parents for money. He claimed that he owed one of his classmates from school money and he wanted to walk down to the bridge about a mile from our house and meet his " friend " to give him the money yet he wouldn't let any adult go with him. And there has been talk around town that he has been getting in to drugs. I don't know what to believe or think. Or even how to deal with something like that.
He's a hard kid to be around too . He wants to argue and bully everyone around him He is obsessed with those violent video games. And I hate how he always wants to shoot animals that come in our yard. The other day I was watching a red fox in the field by our house and I called for my mom to come and see it and my nephew heard us talking and he came in and was ready to shoot it. He said he wanted to shoot it because he's never had the chance to shoot a fox before and it would be cool to put a bullet between it's eyes and hang it's skin on his wall. Needless to say he DIDN'T do it ... but just to hear him talk about something like that really bothers me. I feel horrible saying this but sometimes I actually dread it when he comes to visit. He's back home with her now by the way.
But that's not the only thing I'm dread. I hope that no one thinks terrible of me but I'm still dreading having to babysit my niece's baby for her. To me secretly, it makes me angry because it's so unfair. First of all, I want to make it very clear so that there are no misunderstandings... I am happy for her. If this new baby makes her happy I think that is wonderful and I would never want to deprive someone of having a child if that's what they want. But for me since I can't ever have any of my own forcing me to take care of hers five days a week for about ten hours a day is too much .... it hurts too much. I'm not ready to deal with that yet. I'm just not. I'm not saying that she shouldn't have another child I'm just saying that I wish that she could take care of her child HERSELF.
When you cant have children and you dream of it sometimes its tough to be around babies and small children... I don't mean that in general, I just mean like for constant , LONG periods of time. The smell of baby powder , the gentle sound they make when they try to talk , holding them , watching them laugh.... it can really tear you up inside. Sometimes I need time to just step away from that and have some time to myself . But I wont be able to have that time now thanks to her.
Right now I'm happy. Hell , I'm doing good. I am amazed that I've been able to pull myself up from being depressed do badly like I was. But even though I've pulled myself up I'm not completely and totally out of the woods... and that's why it's so unfair of my niece to put this pressure on me right now.
I don't want to go back to that horrible dark helpless place that I used to be in.
Tonight I'm really feeling that hurt come back again. I watched the sunset like I always do and the clouds of night move in before all of the color of the sunset and day was washed from the sky and I felt so cold. A cold that come from deep inside my heart. A cold that almost became physically felt and I wondered to myself am I ever going to be able to feel safe again ??
God, I wish I had a friend right now to just hold me and hug me and tell me that everything is going to be all right. That shouldn't be too much to ask should it ???
Someone to just throw their arms around me and and hug me as tight as they can. I just need that so much right now.
Hey there Porcupine. I'm okay I guess. There's just so much going on now in my life it makes my head spin. And not in the good sense.
I'm at the point where I'm ready to make a makeshift Teepee somewhere out in the woods far away from everyone and just move there lol.
Aside from my own personal problems that I'm going through my niece and her son " my nephew " make everything a whole lot harder. My niece is a good person don't get me wrong she is just so lame brained to say the least. I've tried really hard to understand her but I can never seem to be able to . In a way it's sad because I've never seen anyone so clueless in my life. For as long as I can remember she's taken her son for granted. I know she loves him I have no doubt of that but she has no idea how to be a parent. And now her kid is really feeling the burn from that. He is more loud and rude and overbearing than ever. And I have a gut feeling that he is starting to mess with drugs. I don't know that for sure but at lot of signs are kind of pointing to that.
When my niece broke up with her old boyfriend she moved into a house a few miles from mine and as soon as she did she started going online looking for a new boyfriend on all those "online dating" sites. I think it was only like two or three weeks after she broke up with him..... and I remember my mother telling her to " slow down " and just spend some time with her son for awhile because he needed her but my niece wouldn't do it. The only thing she seemed to care about at the time was "getting a new boyfriend " and she did. She found a new guy and after like only 3 or 4 months of knowing him she had him move into her house and then only about a couple months or so after that she gets pregnant again. And I have a pretty good idea that she got herself pregnant on purpose. --- But yet , neither her or her new boyfriend have the time to take care of this baby coming because they have to work so she expects me and my parents to take care of it for her. She pretty much signed us up for that job without even asking us if it was okay first so now we basically have no choice....
And my nephew is really feeling the pressure from all of this. With her old boyfriend she would always put him first and her son last and he knew this. He has a lot of behavioral issues even last year had a probation officer on him.
And this school year right now is no different. Everyone has a hell of a time getting him to go to school ( he's only 15 ). A couple days ago my niece came on our doorstep with no warning at all at about 8 in the morning and said that he refused to go to school and she couldn't deal with him anymore and that he was stressing her out too much and she left him here at our house for us to deal with.
It was a hell of a day all he did was yell and be rude to my parents. My mom was almost in tears my dad who has a heart condition was totally stressed out...... But I felt really bad for my nephew though because the one thing he kept repeating over and over was that his mom never spends anytime with him.
The same night she left him here he was begging my parents for money. He claimed that he owed one of his classmates from school money and he wanted to walk down to the bridge about a mile from our house and meet his " friend " to give him the money yet he wouldn't let any adult go with him. And there has been talk around town that he has been getting in to drugs. I don't know what to believe or think. Or even how to deal with something like that.
He's a hard kid to be around too . He wants to argue and bully everyone around him He is obsessed with those violent video games. And I hate how he always wants to shoot animals that come in our yard. The other day I was watching a red fox in the field by our house and I called for my mom to come and see it and my nephew heard us talking and he came in and was ready to shoot it. He said he wanted to shoot it because he's never had the chance to shoot a fox before and it would be cool to put a bullet between it's eyes and hang it's skin on his wall. Needless to say he DIDN'T do it ... but just to hear him talk about something like that really bothers me. I feel horrible saying this but sometimes I actually dread it when he comes to visit. He's back home with her now by the way.
But that's not the only thing I'm dread. I hope that no one thinks terrible of me but I'm still dreading having to babysit my niece's baby for her. To me secretly, it makes me angry because it's so unfair. First of all, I want to make it very clear so that there are no misunderstandings... I am happy for her. If this new baby makes her happy I think that is wonderful and I would never want to deprive someone of having a child if that's what they want. But for me since I can't ever have any of my own forcing me to take care of hers five days a week for about ten hours a day is too much .... it hurts too much. I'm not ready to deal with that yet. I'm just not. I'm not saying that she shouldn't have another child I'm just saying that I wish that she could take care of her child HERSELF.
When you cant have children and you dream of it sometimes its tough to be around babies and small children... I don't mean that in general, I just mean like for constant , LONG periods of time. The smell of baby powder , the gentle sound they make when they try to talk , holding them , watching them laugh.... it can really tear you up inside. Sometimes I need time to just step away from that and have some time to myself . But I wont be able to have that time now thanks to her.
Right now I'm happy. Hell , I'm doing good. I am amazed that I've been able to pull myself up from being depressed do badly like I was. But even though I've pulled myself up I'm not completely and totally out of the woods... and that's why it's so unfair of my niece to put this pressure on me right now.
I don't want to go back to that horrible dark helpless place that I used to be in.
Tonight I'm really feeling that hurt come back again. I watched the sunset like I always do and the clouds of night move in before all of the color of the sunset and day was washed from the sky and I felt so cold. A cold that come from deep inside my heart. A cold that almost became physically felt and I wondered to myself am I ever going to be able to feel safe again ??
God, I wish I had a friend right now to just hold me and hug me and tell me that everything is going to be all right. That shouldn't be too much to ask should it ???
Someone to just throw their arms around me and and hug me as tight as they can. I just need that so much right now.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
My cats are doing great I'm the one that is still silently falling apart. Awhile back another stray cat came in my yard looking starved and filthy and scared. You could almost count the bones in it's back. Somehow I had a gut feeling about this one. I've seen abandoned and abused animals all my life but something inside me told me that this cat was not either one of them so on a hunch I ran an ad in our local paper and I found the owner. A woman had been looking for him for about a month. I'm glad I helped her find him again. The woman said when she seen my ad she almost cried she though he had gotten lost and died. It felt really good to help someone. A temporary break from the pain that I'm going through. I just wish I could find that always.
I still try to sit outside at night even though summer is far gone. I love the way the cold air feels on my skin. It sort of has what you call a " bite " to it before it gets too uncomfortable and I have to go back inside. The moon is so clear and bright you can see every inch of the fields and dirt road to where I live....
Now that cold weather is here I miss not being able to sit out and see the stars. They are "sort of" therapeutic to sit and watch. There isn't much that brings any kind of comfort to me now a days.....
There's teddy bear that I have and yeah I know this sounds kinda foolish but I think of it sometimes. I found it in a thrift store and it's so old and worn. It lost it's smile a long time ago there's no nose and one of it's eyes are lopsided. When I found it , it had a rip in it's side and some of the stuffing was leaking out. I'm not very good at sewing but I took a needle and thread and sewed it up. I really don't make what you'd call a "habit" of sleeping with it next to me but sometimes I do. It's the saddest looking teddy bear that I think I've ever seen in my life. I sound so dumb don't I ?? But it's all I have.
I'm so tired that I can't even cry anymore. Sunsets disappear and even the most beautiful rainbows fade away. Sometimes I guess life just doesn't get better for some people. If all this BS would just leave me alone for a little while then maybe I could get back on my feet but that doesn't look like that's going to happen.
Screw life I'm ready to give up again. Probably for forever this time.
I still try to sit outside at night even though summer is far gone. I love the way the cold air feels on my skin. It sort of has what you call a " bite " to it before it gets too uncomfortable and I have to go back inside. The moon is so clear and bright you can see every inch of the fields and dirt road to where I live....
Now that cold weather is here I miss not being able to sit out and see the stars. They are "sort of" therapeutic to sit and watch. There isn't much that brings any kind of comfort to me now a days.....
There's teddy bear that I have and yeah I know this sounds kinda foolish but I think of it sometimes. I found it in a thrift store and it's so old and worn. It lost it's smile a long time ago there's no nose and one of it's eyes are lopsided. When I found it , it had a rip in it's side and some of the stuffing was leaking out. I'm not very good at sewing but I took a needle and thread and sewed it up. I really don't make what you'd call a "habit" of sleeping with it next to me but sometimes I do. It's the saddest looking teddy bear that I think I've ever seen in my life. I sound so dumb don't I ?? But it's all I have.
I'm so tired that I can't even cry anymore. Sunsets disappear and even the most beautiful rainbows fade away. Sometimes I guess life just doesn't get better for some people. If all this BS would just leave me alone for a little while then maybe I could get back on my feet but that doesn't look like that's going to happen.
Screw life I'm ready to give up again. Probably for forever this time.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
I feel like a cartoon character who's batteries have run down or a clown where I have to wear a painted on face and make people believe that I'm happy when I'm really not. Depression is something you just shouldn't have to face alone.
People say they love you but they always leave , people say they are your friends but end up being fake. I just want something that I can hold on to . Something or someone that I KNOW will never leave me. Something that I will always be safe with.
I really don't know what it feels like to be safe anymore. I've learned the world around you can change in a heartbeat and no matter how much comfort looking at the silver stars at night or the feeling of a teddy bear all warm and soft secretly tucked under your chin in the dark of the night while you sleep brings you , it still can't keep you from hurting.
A beautiful sunset and a rainbow only lasts for a few minutes but what I wouldn't give to somehow find the comfort that watching them brings me and keep that feeling going on and on always.
I wish I had one thing I know that I could hold onto and know that it would never leave me. Even my home doesn't feel safe anymore. I used to think my home was like Heaven on earth. A far off place where the weeping willow tree would cry on the breeze and the world was green with life and the color of wildflowers and trees. Every breath you took made you feel even more alive than the last. A sweet smell that only country folk know of. Days under the warm summer sun and nights catching fireflies, the creeks with water so pure and clean you could see down to the bottom where fish and crayfish live. Although sometimes we call them " crawfish or crawdads ". And you could hold the babies in your hand and squeal when they pinch you even though it doesn't really hurt that bad.... the babies that is... not the adults. It's like a whole other world down there.... skipping rocks across the water , where your dreams were made like sweetened spun sugar and the white puffy clouds sailed through the blue sky.
I don't even have that anymore really. At least I won't for much longer. Not since fracking started coming around. There are sites going up now near my home. Very near. Everyone claims it's safe but it's not. They pump a lot of chemicals into the ground and that leak into peoples drinking water wells and the chemicals are full of carcinogens " cancer causing chemicals'... and these kind of places are pretty much taking over land all over my state. Some people even claim that these well sites can actually cause earthquakes. Someday they will end up poisoning the land and ruining everything around it.
My home doesn't even feel like my home anymore.
I hope that no one thinks I'm whining I'm just scared...really , really scared and all alone. I have too many things to deal with all at once and I'm only one human being.
Maybe its just easier to let the monster called depression get me instead of trying to fight it.
I've faced a "cancer scare" that I've tried to keep a secret and sometimes even lie and say I'm doing " not so bad " when really things are worse than I let on. I have depression , face panic attacks , anxiety , infertility , loneliness , no real friends ...
Hello God are you testing me or what ??? Can't you see that I've suffered enough ?? How much more do you expect me to go through ?? Does God even exist ?? I don't know.
Just once I would love to find someone that loves me enough to rescue me. And if God does exist I wish he would send someone like that to me.
I've been fighting everything all alone for way too long and I'm exhausted.
Does that make me a wimp ? Or a loser ? I just want someone to please help save me.
Why do I always have to fight this all alone ?
It hurts and my hearts broken. I keep trying to pick up the pieces but they keep falling in between my fingers
And tonight I think that alone is the ugliest word that I've ever heard in my entire life.
People say they love you but they always leave , people say they are your friends but end up being fake. I just want something that I can hold on to . Something or someone that I KNOW will never leave me. Something that I will always be safe with.
I really don't know what it feels like to be safe anymore. I've learned the world around you can change in a heartbeat and no matter how much comfort looking at the silver stars at night or the feeling of a teddy bear all warm and soft secretly tucked under your chin in the dark of the night while you sleep brings you , it still can't keep you from hurting.
A beautiful sunset and a rainbow only lasts for a few minutes but what I wouldn't give to somehow find the comfort that watching them brings me and keep that feeling going on and on always.
I wish I had one thing I know that I could hold onto and know that it would never leave me. Even my home doesn't feel safe anymore. I used to think my home was like Heaven on earth. A far off place where the weeping willow tree would cry on the breeze and the world was green with life and the color of wildflowers and trees. Every breath you took made you feel even more alive than the last. A sweet smell that only country folk know of. Days under the warm summer sun and nights catching fireflies, the creeks with water so pure and clean you could see down to the bottom where fish and crayfish live. Although sometimes we call them " crawfish or crawdads ". And you could hold the babies in your hand and squeal when they pinch you even though it doesn't really hurt that bad.... the babies that is... not the adults. It's like a whole other world down there.... skipping rocks across the water , where your dreams were made like sweetened spun sugar and the white puffy clouds sailed through the blue sky.
I don't even have that anymore really. At least I won't for much longer. Not since fracking started coming around. There are sites going up now near my home. Very near. Everyone claims it's safe but it's not. They pump a lot of chemicals into the ground and that leak into peoples drinking water wells and the chemicals are full of carcinogens " cancer causing chemicals'... and these kind of places are pretty much taking over land all over my state. Some people even claim that these well sites can actually cause earthquakes. Someday they will end up poisoning the land and ruining everything around it.
My home doesn't even feel like my home anymore.
I hope that no one thinks I'm whining I'm just scared...really , really scared and all alone. I have too many things to deal with all at once and I'm only one human being.
Maybe its just easier to let the monster called depression get me instead of trying to fight it.
I've faced a "cancer scare" that I've tried to keep a secret and sometimes even lie and say I'm doing " not so bad " when really things are worse than I let on. I have depression , face panic attacks , anxiety , infertility , loneliness , no real friends ...
Hello God are you testing me or what ??? Can't you see that I've suffered enough ?? How much more do you expect me to go through ?? Does God even exist ?? I don't know.
Just once I would love to find someone that loves me enough to rescue me. And if God does exist I wish he would send someone like that to me.
I've been fighting everything all alone for way too long and I'm exhausted.
Does that make me a wimp ? Or a loser ? I just want someone to please help save me.
Why do I always have to fight this all alone ?
It hurts and my hearts broken. I keep trying to pick up the pieces but they keep falling in between my fingers
And tonight I think that alone is the ugliest word that I've ever heard in my entire life.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
I wish. Fracking is getting so huge that I think it's beyond a petition to stop it.
I feel like I'm standing on wobbly legs trying to stand up and walk again ...my foot is raised up ready to take that first step and then WHAM !!!! I get knocked back down again...
I love my niece and if she wants to have a dozen kids I'm happy for her but I can't do her job for her. When this baby comes I know I will love it with all my heart. I'll be the best aunt in the world that I can be and I mean that with all my heart but I can't take care of her kid the way she expects me to.
Plus you can't take someone that is struggling dealing with infertility and push a baby in their arms and say " hey take care of it for me ." I mean that is BRUTAL and very unfair to say the least.
I think that is what I'm having trouble dealing with. Guilt. The guilt from not being able to to help her. But I have to keep telling myself that I have nothing to be guilty for. Guilt can eat you up if you let it and I need to stop feeling guilty.
My niece needs a little bit of a reality check anyway. I honestly think it would be the best thing for her to have to take care of her baby herself. If she's going around sleeping with guys that she's only known for a couple months she needs to deal with ALL of the responsibility that comes with that. I mean if her and her boyfriend both have to work and have no time to take care of a baby then why the hell is she having unprotected sex ????
I think sometimes you can help people too much and that isn't healthy for you or them. She's a grown adult in her 30's and expects people to do way too much for her. She has a 15 year old son already , a baby girl on the way and she won't even cook meals. She expects everyone else to cook for her. I mean if your going to have kids they GOTTA eat. You may not like to cook but by God you better be willing to do it anyway.
I've been thinking about making my little " makeshift teepee " again. It sounds good to me living all by myself in my little "hut" free from people that drive you nuts. But then again I don't know if that would be such a great idea. My uncle who lives right down the dirt road from me says about a week ago he seen a huge , black bear out by the pond. The pond is within shouting distance of my house so maybe I won't be building anything like that anytime soon. lol
I was actually excited to hear him say that though. I would love to see the bear for myself. From a safe distance of course. This is why I love my home. The animals that live here , the beautiful nature around me. They're a part of me. A part of my heart , my soul , my blood. I can't imagine living or breathing anywhere else.
I used to dream of seeing city's all glowing with hundreds of lights. At night time would be the coolest because you could see the glow of a million lights. I remember one time at a yard sale I found this huge picture of a bridge in a city and it was at night time and you could see the city lights past the bridge glowing in the darkness. Hundreds of thousands of them. I fell in love with that picture and hung it over my bed so that it was the last thing that I seen before I went to sleep every single night. I would still love to see places like that but the country is where my home will always be.
A barefoot country girl is what I am. And it's all I will ever be.
I have dreams inside me as big as the sky and as deep as any ocean. I can feel them deep inside me. Through all my hell from depression I can still feel my dreams they haven't died yet and depression hasn't been able to kill them.
If only I can find the strength to reach my dreams.
Not being able to reach your dreams is like trying to reach for a star in the night sky. Sometimes on summer nights there are so many I swear to God they look so close to you that you could reach up and touch them when your out there laying on your back looking up at them.
I want to touch my "star" someday. My dream. I swear if I could just hold it I would hold it so tight that I wouldn't let it go or lose it ever again.
I promise I wouldn't.
But I'm scared. I'm really , really scared that I'm not going to be able to make it to hold it.
I wish someone was there to hold me. Hold me tight so that I could find my feet to take that step and get my star.
I wish someone was here to help me more than anything in the world.
Because I don't think I'm going to make it.
I feel like I'm standing on wobbly legs trying to stand up and walk again ...my foot is raised up ready to take that first step and then WHAM !!!! I get knocked back down again...
I love my niece and if she wants to have a dozen kids I'm happy for her but I can't do her job for her. When this baby comes I know I will love it with all my heart. I'll be the best aunt in the world that I can be and I mean that with all my heart but I can't take care of her kid the way she expects me to.
Plus you can't take someone that is struggling dealing with infertility and push a baby in their arms and say " hey take care of it for me ." I mean that is BRUTAL and very unfair to say the least.
I think that is what I'm having trouble dealing with. Guilt. The guilt from not being able to to help her. But I have to keep telling myself that I have nothing to be guilty for. Guilt can eat you up if you let it and I need to stop feeling guilty.
My niece needs a little bit of a reality check anyway. I honestly think it would be the best thing for her to have to take care of her baby herself. If she's going around sleeping with guys that she's only known for a couple months she needs to deal with ALL of the responsibility that comes with that. I mean if her and her boyfriend both have to work and have no time to take care of a baby then why the hell is she having unprotected sex ????
I think sometimes you can help people too much and that isn't healthy for you or them. She's a grown adult in her 30's and expects people to do way too much for her. She has a 15 year old son already , a baby girl on the way and she won't even cook meals. She expects everyone else to cook for her. I mean if your going to have kids they GOTTA eat. You may not like to cook but by God you better be willing to do it anyway.
I've been thinking about making my little " makeshift teepee " again. It sounds good to me living all by myself in my little "hut" free from people that drive you nuts. But then again I don't know if that would be such a great idea. My uncle who lives right down the dirt road from me says about a week ago he seen a huge , black bear out by the pond. The pond is within shouting distance of my house so maybe I won't be building anything like that anytime soon. lol
I was actually excited to hear him say that though. I would love to see the bear for myself. From a safe distance of course. This is why I love my home. The animals that live here , the beautiful nature around me. They're a part of me. A part of my heart , my soul , my blood. I can't imagine living or breathing anywhere else.
I used to dream of seeing city's all glowing with hundreds of lights. At night time would be the coolest because you could see the glow of a million lights. I remember one time at a yard sale I found this huge picture of a bridge in a city and it was at night time and you could see the city lights past the bridge glowing in the darkness. Hundreds of thousands of them. I fell in love with that picture and hung it over my bed so that it was the last thing that I seen before I went to sleep every single night. I would still love to see places like that but the country is where my home will always be.
A barefoot country girl is what I am. And it's all I will ever be.
I have dreams inside me as big as the sky and as deep as any ocean. I can feel them deep inside me. Through all my hell from depression I can still feel my dreams they haven't died yet and depression hasn't been able to kill them.
If only I can find the strength to reach my dreams.
Not being able to reach your dreams is like trying to reach for a star in the night sky. Sometimes on summer nights there are so many I swear to God they look so close to you that you could reach up and touch them when your out there laying on your back looking up at them.
I want to touch my "star" someday. My dream. I swear if I could just hold it I would hold it so tight that I wouldn't let it go or lose it ever again.
I promise I wouldn't.
But I'm scared. I'm really , really scared that I'm not going to be able to make it to hold it.
I wish someone was there to hold me. Hold me tight so that I could find my feet to take that step and get my star.
I wish someone was here to help me more than anything in the world.
Because I don't think I'm going to make it.
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
Tonight I had a race to beat the rain. We are having a warm spell in the weather and it's not quite as cold as it usually is for this time of year so I got to sit outside again and watch the stars. I couldn't see very many because of the clouds streaming in but it still felt nice to be outside.
Off to the southwest way over the tree tops I could see the light from the fracking well pad shining above the skyline and I could hear the loud sounds from deep within the earth it makes. It reminds me of an ugly, growling giant. Except there is no " fairy tale" with this one. It's very real and nothing good is ever going to come of it being around.
I wish there could have been more stars or at least the moon. But the air did have that delicious, fresh scent that comes right before it rains. I took one of my favorite blankets that I have and wrapped it around my shoulders for extra warmth. It's a ratty old thing blue as the sky is before a thunderstorm and made of super soft material lined with silk. It's about as old as the hills. I got it one time at our local towns Harvest Festival at a flea market for a dollar. That's me I've always been the kind of person that likes the simple , small things in life. Don't get me wrong I think it would be kinda fun to shop in regular stores but it's always been places like Thrift stores , Goodwill and the Salvation Army for me. They are like "treasure chests" hidden away and when you walk into them you never know what cool things you will find. You can find things that are vintage from the 60s , 70s , 80s and 90s that are so hard to find anywhere else.
I learned something tonight about my mom . She's also really worried about this whole situation with my niece. I knew she had been worried about it but I didn't realize that she was that stressed out about it. I heard her talking on the phone to one of my sisters and she was really upset. My mom is feeling an immense pressure from my niece's situation too. My mother is in her 70's and is not in the best of shape. And she's been worrying that she won't be able to handle taking care of my nieces baby. It's really upsetting her badly. It's sad. I sat there listening to my mom talk about how worried she is and I felt like crying.
Like I said I love my niece but sometimes I swear to God I feel like strangling her. Figuratively speaking of course. And to make things worse we found out tonight that her boyfriend has a very , very little boy that right now lives with his old girlfriend but he is getting custody of him and now my niece expects us to take care of him along with the baby too while they work. She also said that the little boy has serious hyperactivity and behavioral issues.
I feel like I am woman with an exceptional hold on my temper but I'm telling you she is really , really pushing it. My mom , like me , is totally exhausted. We both have our own issues to deal with. And the thing is even if you tell my niece that we can't help her she still WON'T listen. She will still pressure us.
At first I felt guilty because I felt like I was letting her down. I worried that I was being a bad family member or something. But I don't feel guilty anymore I'm just pissed off. She takes advantage of us plain and simple.
That's the way I have been my entire life. I let the people that I care about take advantage of me. I remember when I was 14 and was beat up on and molested by a friend... I didn't do a damn thing about it . I didn't want to get him in trouble so I kept it a secret...
When I came online and let Angie and Vicki and Aaron treat me like s*** I didn't do anything about it either . I kept telling myself how much I cared about them and so I let them get away with it. They were jerks. Total complete jerks that had no respect whatsoever to the complete and total hell that they put me through. And the only thing I did was sit on my a** and whine and complain about it over and over and over and sound like a freaking broken record. And if that guy was for real the hell with him. I am so sorry that I ever let myself care so much about him because all he did was hurt me and take me for granted. For the first time in my life I truly wish that I never heard of him.
And now my niece who takes advantage of me and my parents all of the time...
She wants all these things in her life but when she gets them she can't handle them and then expects everyone to handle her responsibility 's for her ... even if they can't do it. And if you tell her that you can't she doesn't even care. She is extremely immature and overbearing.
Sometimes it's okay to be angry. Sometimes it's actually healthy to be angry. And that is something that I rarely ever let myself get.
Off to the southwest way over the tree tops I could see the light from the fracking well pad shining above the skyline and I could hear the loud sounds from deep within the earth it makes. It reminds me of an ugly, growling giant. Except there is no " fairy tale" with this one. It's very real and nothing good is ever going to come of it being around.
I wish there could have been more stars or at least the moon. But the air did have that delicious, fresh scent that comes right before it rains. I took one of my favorite blankets that I have and wrapped it around my shoulders for extra warmth. It's a ratty old thing blue as the sky is before a thunderstorm and made of super soft material lined with silk. It's about as old as the hills. I got it one time at our local towns Harvest Festival at a flea market for a dollar. That's me I've always been the kind of person that likes the simple , small things in life. Don't get me wrong I think it would be kinda fun to shop in regular stores but it's always been places like Thrift stores , Goodwill and the Salvation Army for me. They are like "treasure chests" hidden away and when you walk into them you never know what cool things you will find. You can find things that are vintage from the 60s , 70s , 80s and 90s that are so hard to find anywhere else.
I learned something tonight about my mom . She's also really worried about this whole situation with my niece. I knew she had been worried about it but I didn't realize that she was that stressed out about it. I heard her talking on the phone to one of my sisters and she was really upset. My mom is feeling an immense pressure from my niece's situation too. My mother is in her 70's and is not in the best of shape. And she's been worrying that she won't be able to handle taking care of my nieces baby. It's really upsetting her badly. It's sad. I sat there listening to my mom talk about how worried she is and I felt like crying.
Like I said I love my niece but sometimes I swear to God I feel like strangling her. Figuratively speaking of course. And to make things worse we found out tonight that her boyfriend has a very , very little boy that right now lives with his old girlfriend but he is getting custody of him and now my niece expects us to take care of him along with the baby too while they work. She also said that the little boy has serious hyperactivity and behavioral issues.
I feel like I am woman with an exceptional hold on my temper but I'm telling you she is really , really pushing it. My mom , like me , is totally exhausted. We both have our own issues to deal with. And the thing is even if you tell my niece that we can't help her she still WON'T listen. She will still pressure us.
At first I felt guilty because I felt like I was letting her down. I worried that I was being a bad family member or something. But I don't feel guilty anymore I'm just pissed off. She takes advantage of us plain and simple.
That's the way I have been my entire life. I let the people that I care about take advantage of me. I remember when I was 14 and was beat up on and molested by a friend... I didn't do a damn thing about it . I didn't want to get him in trouble so I kept it a secret...
When I came online and let Angie and Vicki and Aaron treat me like s*** I didn't do anything about it either . I kept telling myself how much I cared about them and so I let them get away with it. They were jerks. Total complete jerks that had no respect whatsoever to the complete and total hell that they put me through. And the only thing I did was sit on my a** and whine and complain about it over and over and over and sound like a freaking broken record. And if that guy was for real the hell with him. I am so sorry that I ever let myself care so much about him because all he did was hurt me and take me for granted. For the first time in my life I truly wish that I never heard of him.
And now my niece who takes advantage of me and my parents all of the time...
She wants all these things in her life but when she gets them she can't handle them and then expects everyone to handle her responsibility 's for her ... even if they can't do it. And if you tell her that you can't she doesn't even care. She is extremely immature and overbearing.
Sometimes it's okay to be angry. Sometimes it's actually healthy to be angry. And that is something that I rarely ever let myself get.
There a re a few things that really resonate with me from your latest set of entries, Star. Those resonance points, or rather, how I respond to them you already know in your heart and mind. And these questions or comments I ask myself every single day...
- you have to decide how you want to react to people in the knowledge that you can't change how they think or act. And in making the choice consider what serves you best. You.
- Here's an idea I'm still in the process of accepting that may help: what other people think of you is none of your business.
- Blessings to you for helping that cat and getting it back to its owner. Animals are important.
- And another I'm still working on: I am not defined by what I think or what I feel. I am not my thoughts. I am not my feelings. Those are quite impermanent. That's a hard one, I know.... that's why I'm still working with it.
Not meaning to preach. Or be a know-it-all. Please stop me if I ever get that way! These, simply, are ideas I've gotten from other sources that I've adopted into my personal operating system. To me they are simple truths that help.
Hoping good things for you.
n
- you have to decide how you want to react to people in the knowledge that you can't change how they think or act. And in making the choice consider what serves you best. You.
- Here's an idea I'm still in the process of accepting that may help: what other people think of you is none of your business.
- Blessings to you for helping that cat and getting it back to its owner. Animals are important.
- And another I'm still working on: I am not defined by what I think or what I feel. I am not my thoughts. I am not my feelings. Those are quite impermanent. That's a hard one, I know.... that's why I'm still working with it.
Not meaning to preach. Or be a know-it-all. Please stop me if I ever get that way! These, simply, are ideas I've gotten from other sources that I've adopted into my personal operating system. To me they are simple truths that help.
Hoping good things for you.
n
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JonsDragonEyes
- Posts: 465
- Joined: Sat Jul 12, 2014 1:49 am
I've always felt that it's unfortunate that lasting change usually comes after you are at the very end of your rope. At that point you realize that your situation is finally and utterly unsustainable. At that time, you no longer have a choice because you don't know what the hell to do with it all (life). So, you release it to.... the Universe? God? The Collective One?
You're perception shifts subtly. You begin to see that there are things you must exclude from your life in order to make it sustainable: toxic relationships; guilt; anxiety; shame. You find that your pain lessens.
I point this out, Star, because I would love to see you be spared the crisis point, ya know? Perhaps start with considering what it is you need to do to make life sustainable. Maybe even look into meditation.
Just my thoughts, for what they may be worth. Use what you can, leave the rest.
Warmly,
n.
You're perception shifts subtly. You begin to see that there are things you must exclude from your life in order to make it sustainable: toxic relationships; guilt; anxiety; shame. You find that your pain lessens.
I point this out, Star, because I would love to see you be spared the crisis point, ya know? Perhaps start with considering what it is you need to do to make life sustainable. Maybe even look into meditation.
Just my thoughts, for what they may be worth. Use what you can, leave the rest.
Warmly,
n.
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100footpole
- Posts: 477
- Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm
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