My story

[Bec98]

Hi,
I am a 16 year old girl and have been suffering depression for a bit over 2 years now. I feel guilty for feeling this way as I know there are so many people so much worse off than me but I felt I needed to share my story...

I was born with a medical condition which made me sick a lot but with a healthy lifestyle I could control it but...
In 2012 my cousin was killed in a random violent attack sparking my depression. He was my rock, my person I would talk to about anything with, the only person I trusted and he was always there for me when I needed him. When he was killed I could not cope, I didn't know how to handle the situation, I couldnt talk to anyone because I didn't trust anyone else. Dealing with his death was made even more difficult as his death was publicised so much and I still see things on the tv about him more than 2 years on. I went into a very dark place and found everyday activities hard, going to school was nearly impossible I would fake being sick and try to stay home and in bed all day. I thought about suicide many times but the only thing keeping me going was the thought that my cousin would want me to live. I tried to talk to my friends but none of them understood even though one of them claimed to have been through depression before. They would just brush it off and change the subject. Things gradually go worse and worse until about a year later when I got a cold, nothing special just a cold. But due to my medical condition this cold turned into much worse and I ended up in a coma fighting for my life and missing about 6 months of school. After this 6 months I was determined to try and be happy and live as I had just been through hell-countless blood draws, injections and tests and I survived. I went back to school ready for a fresh start only to find that most of my friends didn't know how to talk to me anymore. Eventually they stopped talking to me, they had moved on without me. It was at this time I missed my cousin more than ever.

This led to me becoming depressed again. I was eventually allowed to go back to sport which was great for me, it really put me on a high note and the girls accepted me and treated me as if I was never sick and never left and it was fantastic. That was until I injured my shoulder in a game which requires surgery and will not allow me to play for at least a year and a half. I could only think things could not get worse. I longed to just see my cousin again I began to have nightmares again and would wake up screaming thinking of his death. I spent most nights just laying there crying trying to sleep. As time passed teachers tried to help me and one of my good friends from outside school helped me get back on track. I had a few more medical emergencies juking this time including multiple cardiac arrests and serious infections leading me to miss even more school making things harder. Many doctors say that losing my cousin and the psychological effects it has had on me has influenced my physical state.

I miss my cousin so much, it pains me to think about it. Although I have started to regain my life, I have a long way to go. I start year 11 in a couple of days at a new school but I am so worried about it, I am worried it will put me back in my dark place and I really don't want to go back. But I am trying to stay positive and start fresh with new people.

I apologise that this was so long but I felt I wanted to share it with others.
Thanks x

[100footpole]

When I read your note I thought of the song "TubThumping" by Chumbawamba.

I get knocked down
(We'll be singing)
But I get up again
You're never going to keep me down
(When we're winning)
I get knocked down
(We'll be singing)
But I get up again
You're never going to keep me down
(Ooh, ooh, ooh)

I was eventually allowed to go back to sport which was great for me, it really put me on a high note and the girls accepted me and treated me as if I was never sick and never left and it was fantastic.

I am worried it will put me back in my dark place and I really don't want to go back. But I am trying to stay positive and start fresh with new people.

We can't be good friends like your cousin was to you ... but we can be better friends than the one of them claimed to have been through depression before. They would just brush it off and change the subject.

You are a strong girl, and you WILL make it. You have a ton going on in the most difficult time of your life (the teen years) and sound like you are dealing with it much better than I dealt with mine.

Did posting this help a little? Hope to hear from you again.

[SilentMomma]

Welcome Bec98,
You've been through a lot, especially for how young you are. But as they have said above, you are obviously a strong person because you seem to be handling it.
I am sure that you will give it your all at this new school, as you seem to have given your all to much already, and there will be some there who will accept you as you are.
I know high school is hard, several years I was the same, faking sick to stay home or go home early, or just leaving when I couldn't stand being there anymore, but we get through it and hopefully things get better.
Maybe there is a new activity you haven't tried that you may enjoy as much as sports during your off time where you can make some closer friendships.
Wish you the best, let us know how it goes at your new school.

[Bec98]

When i wrote this, i didn't expect to get any responses especially not ones this lovely from beautiful people like yourselves so thanks. I have almost finished my first week at school, which i have found quite difficult but i have managed to meet a few new people that seem nice.... the work load seems really high so im a bit worried about that with being sick and all and i dont really want special considerations as much this year. I am praying that i don't have a medical emergency at school at least not until i find people that accept me... passing out and stuff seems to scare everyone off.... Posting this helped me a lot and i feel like you guys have really listened and genuinely care. Im hoping this year is a lot better and i find some good friends.

[summer15]

Bec98
Good for you to be so open at such a young age....that will serve you well in years to come. Just being open and willing to try new things and ways will help you go along way. Once you start telling your story you will see you are definitely not alone. We are all here to listen and get advice as well...One day at a time for awhile and keep moving ahead. High School is tough,was for me as well...
ALL the Best for you

[gesster]

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