Climb the ladder, only to fall again and again.

[Lex]

I was doing great about three years ago. I had made it back up the ladder once again. Except this time, everything looked promising. I had a manual labor job that payed well and I enjoyed working there. A decent car that I enjoyed very much. I was saving money for a place to call my own. I had also just started dating a woman, is she the one?

Three dates in, I take her heart, as she does mine. She is the first woman I say "I love you" to, but the 19th woman I had dated. I'm not a person that easily falls in love, somehow she managed to make me.

Three months into the relationship, I get a job offer from an oil company in North Dakota. I ask Lynn if she wants to go. I mention that I will only go if she goes with, otherwise I'd be happy to stay where we were. I wanted to be with her, which job I had didn't compare in importance to me. She said yes, she wanted to go. I gave a notice to my current job, they were happy for me and said I could go whenever. I packed my things and was ready to go. The night before we head off to ND, Lynn gets a call from her father. She apparently didn't say anything to him beforehand. Her dad was furious that she was leaving with me and demanded that she come see him right away. I drove her to her fathers apartment. She went in and I sat in the car for about three hours. With the help of her father, Lynn had now decided against going to ND with me. I was pissed. Her reasoning for staying was so she could start and finish her internship (which she had told me she was never going to do, and in the future never did). The next morning I called the job I had just left and asked if my position was still open. Sadly, it was not. I had bills to pay and a job about 600 miles away. We decided to try a distance relationship.

At this point I felt betrayed, I just didn't have it in me to let her go. I worked out there for a few months and then visited Lynn for a week. We stayed in fancy hotels, and ate at many good restaurants, and did other fun things. When it was time to go back to work, I just couldn't do it. Luckily all of my belongings where in my car. With no place to go, Lynn asked her mother if I could stay for awhile, she said yes.

My mother had issues with her car during my unemployment. I lent her mine for a day as I fixed hers. When my mother was driving home, a guy decides to take a left turn through a red light and t-bone my mother. Luckily she was in my car, the Chrysler 300C is pretty damn armored compared to her small Impala. My car was totaled, but my mother was fine. The only problem was I no longer had a car.

I eventually got a job and a car, Lynn and I had a couple fights. One of the fights made us temporarily break up. I had called her a lair with evidence of her being so. She simply said that I should trust her no matter what other people say, even when it's her best friend. Instead of explaining anything, she broke up with me and walked off. Her best friend manipulated both of us so that it would seem that Lynn was lying to me. Oddly enough they're still friends. I went and confronted her best friend and she went to her moms house. As I pulled into the driveway of my mothers house, I saw Lynn's car. She was waiting for me outside. I got out of the car, she ran up to me, and asked for me to take her back. I did, I loved her. Lynn made it a point that we needed to get our own place asap. We did. That's the end of the first year of our relationship.

Now begins the second. We love our new apartment even though we're lacking quite the bit of furniture. She brought her kitty with, a shy little one. Our life goes fairly smooth for half of that year.

Here's where I start to fall off of the ladder.

I'm at work and all of a sudden feel a searing pain go through my entire body. Due to my past, I have incredible pain tolerance. This pain was nothing like I've ever experienced before. I fall to the ground inside of a cooler, and I'm unable to move for about an hour. I sit up a bit while propping my back up against the metal racks. Finally a fellow employee sees me on the ground and asks if I'm ok. I say no, they get help, I go home on sick leave, then back and forth from home to the doctor/specialists/etc for 3 months (enduring the ridiculous pain). I find out I have fibromyalgia. Which is odd because fibromyalgia is normally only aches all over the body. What I have isn't anywhere near the luxury of only aches. They throw treatment plans and medication at me, sadly none of the medications are pain killers. I chose Physical Therapy and a Psychiatrist.

At this point I'm incredibly depressed. I am no longer the man I wanted to be. I took pride in my strength and stamina which was completely robbed from me. My depression greatly effected my relationship with Lynn as I had no confidence left in me. She payed the rent and essentials by herself for 1 1/2 years. I applied for EBT during that time to get some help with food. Thankfully they gave it to me. I noticed our relationship was going downhill, but we still had some good times here and there. Mostly when I self medicated is when we had good times.

Apparently all good things come to an end. We had a discussion and she decided she no longer wanted kids, and I definitely want kids in the future. We split.
We decided to be friends. I go over to her apartment a few months after our breakup. We have a few shots, smoke a joint, and she tells me why she no longer wanted kids. More specifically she didn't want kids with me but maybe with someone else. I said that I respected her honesty, but I also had to leave. I called for a ride home.

Now I'm back at mom's house with no job, a shitty car, tons of pain with no successful or helpful treatments, and I really don't believe there's a reason to attempt the climb back up the ladder.

[joy77]

hi

[100footpole]

Lex,

I like your analogy of the ladder. I am thinking of reasons to get back on. Just chatted for 30 minutes to get "up" enough to do simple stuff. The fact that stuff has been better gives me faith that it will be better again ... some moments are better than others. I try to look at the better ones and see how I can get more of them. That's my tiny steps onto the ladder.
I feel for you... and am trying as much for you as for me brother.