I am asking for help because until I can see a therapist...I don’t know where else to go. This is going to be super long and I apologize for the length but I would appreciate it if you can read through it in its entirety and offer advice. I know this is unusual but at the end of this, I am going to write some things I would prefer and am asking politely for you not to say. I do want and value your opinion but I am majorly depressed and anxious and those things I hate hearing and will make me feel 10 times worse so please refrain from saying them. Whenever I tell people not to say something, they tend to do so anyway just to annoy me but it’s not funny at all. I am very depressed and it’s not something to mess around with. Thank you so much!
Right now I am 21 in college but I want to rewind a few years back. When I was around 13, my parents got divorced. I had some anxiety tendencies prior to that but it got really bad after the divorce. I got put on Zoloft 50mg, which gave me my life back, as far as the anxiety. After the divorce, my relationship with my dad went majorly downhill. I lived with my mom the whole time and went to see my dad a few times at his apartment until he announced he was getting remarried and shoved the woman’s picture in my face when the divorce hadn’t even been finalized yet. He wanted me to meet her and when I refused, he refused to see me. I eventually decided to see her since I wanted to see him. But then every time we would hang out, she would tag along. I felt out of place in his new family with her 3 crazy and yes I mean that, kids. I mean crazy like getting married out of wedlock, having kids early, piercings, tattoos, etc. No offense to anyone. I went over for Father’s Day one time and my dad was holding one of his stepkids’ kids acting like a grandfather!!! He feels he is a father to them and a grandfather to their children and has actually said this, it’s absolutely ridiculous! He even said one time that he thinks of us all the same as his children. Eventually we stopped talking altogether and right now we only text occasionally (has been a while) but haven’t actually seen each other in a really long time. I was seeing my grandparents on my dad’s side for a while but eventually I lost touch with them too and never see them. They never call. Nothing. But that’s probably a good thing because the only thing I miss is her cooking. When I used to go over there, she would lecture me for hours on stuff after dinner. So now it’s just me and my mom and all our family on her side is in another state hours away, and we rarely get to see them.
Now I’m going to talk about the one part of my life I hate talking about or reliving: high school. I can’t even tell you how bad it was! It was literally the worst 4 years of my life and it’s actually painful to think about! The worst part was my appearance. I had brown frizzy curly hair, it was a huge bush. I had messed up teeth and was very pale. I wore no makeup (with the exception of lip gloss) and had no fashion sense whatsoever. I also had a protruding stomach. There was nothing about my appearance that looked good. I had no friends and was bullied. I had zero confidence. All the other girls had straight hair, straight teeth or braces, wore makeup, tan, etc. But the main thing that bothered me was my hair. One time I went to a salon and they straightened it. It was stick straight though, not naturally straight and my mom didn’t care for it. I wore it straight like that the next day though and one girl told me how good it looked and that if I wore it straight every day like that, I’d get a boy. Yes, she was being rude but she was also right. Because I never got a boyfriend in high school and was never kissed. And still to this day I have never had a boyfriend and have only went out with/kissed nerdy/dumb/unattractive guys. No offense meant. Junior prom was coming up...I was so excited! That’s the day every girl dreams about and I thought it would be nice to actually get to be a princess for a day. They were having it at a great location and I really wanted to go. But I couldn’t go because I didn’t have a date. I asked several guys and none would go with me. So I missed it. The next year senior prom came...same situation. No date. The location was no where close to as good as it was for junior prom but I still wanted to go. I started asking guys again and getting rejected again. I asked this guy in one of my classes and he said no but later on, I found out he thought I was ugly and creepy and pointed out each of my flaws. I won’t go into details but all hell broke loose in that class. At this time, I discovered facebook and I made a fake profile and added this guy I liked in one of my other classes. I made a stupid comment on one of his statuses and he was determined to find out who I was so he had one of his friends start talking to me. His friend promised to take me to prom if I told him who I was. So I fell for it. And they all knew who I was and were rude and nasty. Called me creepy, ugly, everything. I still was determined to find a date and kept asking guys and kept getting rejected. I found out later one guy I asked said I would die a virgin, and the sad thing is he’s probably right. I ended up going with a group, some had dates and some didn’t. But I had a miserable time, didn’t get to dance or anything. They had this stand set up where you could take a picture with your date and I took a picture by myself. I remember the song “two is better than one” coming on and everyone got with their dates. Other than an overweight girl and a gothic girl (not trying to offend), everyone had a date. I walked out of there devastated and embarrassed and called my mom to pick me up. Worst night of my life. And to conclude talking about high school, I did not get my hair done or wear makeup for senior pictures or for graduation which made me stand out. Prom was the only time I did and it was a waste anyway. That was my high school experience but it was way worse than how it sounds...all because of my looks. And what’s sad is I didn’t used to look like that. I had blonde wavy hair all growing up and was tan and guys liked me. Plus I have a pretty face. I just don’t have pretty features and it doesn’t matter if you have a pretty face, if you have a bush and all that. But still my mom doesn’t believe my appearance had anything to do with my negative high school experience and doesn’t know why I couldn’t get a date to prom.
Okay so...after high school I got addicted to making fake accounts and meeting guys on there since I couldn’t meet them as myself. There were guys who wouldn’t accept the truth right away and didn’t even want to see a picture of me and there were guys that were okay with it and were very understanding UNTIL I showed them a picture of me. Then they ran. I met some very nice amazing guys too. A lot of jerks but a few really nice genuine guys. The girl whose pictures I used (which I apologized to a while back) is 4 years younger than me, yet she’s way prettier. She has the look that I want. She has blonde hair that she either straightens or wears wavy, no curly bush. She’s tan, has a perfect smile, and her makeup is spot on. She’s everything I wish I could be. She’s like a role model to me. She looks gorgeous but at the same time, she doesn’t look fake. Only she had this look at 16, I’m 21 and still don’t have it. She went to a coffee shop and a guy wrote on her coffee cup “to the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen
” At the same time I was meeting these guys, I was trying to fix my appearance but failed miserably. I got braces which was really hard for me with my bad anxiety. I wanted blonde hair like this girl had. I used to have blonde hair but like most every blonde, it turned brown when I got older. This girl was color treating her hair but I didn’t know who she was going to. It took 6 months of what my mom calls “berating her” to let her agree to let me have blonde hair. Not to mention, she almost cancelled the appointment that day. I was 18 at the time. So I finally got it done and it turned out white/gray. It looked awful! My mom cried. But I just went with it and flat ironed it every day. It looked terrible and was all frizzy and gross but I liked it at the time. It looked much better than what I had in high school! Guys were actually noticing me and talking to me for the first time. For once I had CONFIDENCE. I started going to another stylist who was absolutely awful! She dyed it back brown (hello! If I went blonde in the first place, there’s a reason! I just don’t want white/gray blonde) and she cut it extremely short. It looked terrible and I had no confidence again. But when she flat ironed it and I had straight brown hair with no frizz, I had confidence again. I was also sunbathing at the time so I looked tan. Guys were noticing me again and I walked completely different. But she was pulling at the crown of my hair so much and so hard (and I think on purpose cause she was mean) she left bald spots there. After that, I didn’t visit another stylist for a year. But even at that time, it wasn’t straight every day for class. Only some days. And I would only have confidence on the days it was straight. One time a guy came and sat down at the same table with me at lunch (this is in college) and I got up and left cause it was curly and I didn’t feel comfortable. My mom thought this was very rude. She also said before I should wear it straight some days and curly others (keep in mind I was like 19-20 at the time and can decide what I want to do with my hair). She thought and still thinks I should have confidence all the time no matter what I look like because I’m the same person on the inside.
I went to see several makeup artists but they always put the makeup on me and never actually showed me how to do it myself. Plus they would always use the lightest shade on me and bronze over which made me look extremely pale instead of using a darker shade on me which I know can be done even though I was ADAMENT about wanting to be darker but they always sit here and compliment my pasty skin which I can’t stand. Don’t compliment someone on something they can’t stand about themself! That’s like someone hating their nose and you saying it looks really nice, I like it. It’s infuriating!
In addition to all this, I don’t have my driver’s license. That’s right, I am 21 and don’t have my license. My dad and grandparents on my dad’s side both offered to teach me but since I lost touch with both of them, that offer no longer stands I assume. My mom has tried to teach me but she has a big car and it’s hard to learn in and she can’t afford to buy one for me. I passed my permit 2 years ago and it expired cause I didn’t take the test. My mom wants me to go ahead and take the permit test again and I’m refusing until I’m actually driving. My mom has offered to pay for driving school but I do not wish to take it. I don’t want a stranger teaching me how to drive in an unfamiliar car when I have severe anxiety and OCD. Not to mention, how embarrassing it would be being 21. I’m not doing it and I’m not changing my mind. So she had to commute me to college my first 2 years which involved getting there super early in the morning and waiting till late in the evening when she got off work to come get me. Basically I just had to sit in the library and wait. First semester of last year, I got an apartment there. It was the worst experience of my life! It could have been a good experience but it was the apartment complex. It was SOOOOO bad that there were bad reviews from even the guys and they can handle way more than girls. I won’t go into everything but just absolutely awful! I’m not opposed to living in an apartment at school though, just not that one. But it’d be a struggle for us to afford it anyway. I don’t want to get a job because I can’t handle seeing people all the time with the way I look. Not to mention, I’d probably run into people I know. And it’s not like I can drive myself there and back. In addition, because of my severe anxiety, I would have to have a job where I can sit frequently. When I stand too long, I get dizzy.
As far as guys go, it’s pretty bad. I didn’t get my first kiss until I was like 19 which is very embarrassing. And it was terrible. I did not like the guy that much. He was dumb and couldn’t carry on conversation. After he kissed me (and knowing it was my first kiss) he wouldn’t stop and started making out with me. This guy will probably be the guy I marry cause he’s the only one who wants anything to do with me and continues to keep texting me and wanting to meet up even though I’m not interested. Next we have this guy who was so unattractive that when I kissed him, I literally felt sick and had to keep stopping for breaks but I was desperate to have someone. We only went out like twice and even he was obviously embarrassed of me I guess cause he took me down to a basement of a building to kiss me. He even checked to see if a closet door was unlocked so we could get in there and nobody would see us. And then we have this guy that I knew from high school who was not interested in me at the time and made fun of me when talking to his friends. My mom thought he was perfect for me and kept pushing me towards him. He came over one time when I had the straight brown hair and tan skin and of course, was attracted to me then. But I didn’t want him. I have had very positive experiences with guys over facebook (and yes, that I know are real and have actually seen in person cause they go to my school) but I’m not myself and can’t be because of my appearance. But I deserve nice guys like that and could get guys like that if I looked good.
Where am I now? Well things aren’t better. I’m taking a semester off school (and probably next semester too) cause I can’t deal with it anymore. I see people from high school all the time and of course they recognize me cause I look exactly the same. One girl at lunch one time just stared and another girl said “did you go to (name of high school)?” And not to mention there’s this girl I absolutely CAN’T STAND who says my name real loud when she sees me. She’s got a brown bush too and doesn’t care about her appearance. She really bothers me and I want nothing to do with her!! This is what I want. A brand new fresh start. I want to change my name officially and change my look completely and then start over at college as a freshman. I also want to create my own facebook account but redo high school. Act like I went to another school and have pictures doing tennis/volleyball/whatever. When I finally do get my driver’s license, if that ever happens, I want to take a picture and put it on facebook but change the date back to when I was 16. I want guys who once put me down to see me and not even know and just think I’m some hot chick. Basically I want to recreate high school and replace all the bad memories with good memories. Like they say, “Sometimes you have to go back before you can move forward.”
My whole life is basically over. The majority of girls meet their husband at college. Lots of people I know are already engaged. I’m a senior and I haven’t even dated!!!!! So I want to start over but I can’t ever get there. I’m majorly depressed and all I really do is sleep. I’ve lost 15 pounds and am now too thin (yet another flaw when my weight was fine to begin with). Luckily I’ve gained 5 pounds back though. The girl whose pictures I used was nice enough to tell me the name of her hair and makeup stylist. I went to her hair stylist for a style and it looked great and I felt confident but only until I showered again. I haven’t got any color done yet because my hair is too thin. In addition, her stylist said that girl's color wouldn't look good on me and she wanted to give me a golden color which I don't want. I want that exact shade or I don't want it at all. My hair used to be very thick and has thinned out the last few months due to (I believe) low vitamin B12 and D levels since they have both decreased significantly. As well as the shampoo I was using (all the reviews said it thins your hair but I didn’t realize till later). I don’t know if it can be bleached with how thin it is now. I don’t know how to style my hair myself and my mom doesn’t know either. I can’t go and get my makeup done since the shades the lady will use on me will be different once I’m blonde. In addition, I only wear makeup when my hair looks good (like when I went to the hair appointment) cause I see no point in wearing makeup with a bush. My teeth are messed up again because my orthodontist is an *****. And yes, it was his fault. He switched me to a new retainer which didn’t hold my teeth in place. And with my anxiety, good luck trying to get me to go through braces again. I’ve lost interest in sunbathing so I’m very pale again and my eczema will start coming back shortly. I never get new clothes, my mom thinks there’s no point since they won’t fit when I get back up to 120. I bring my appearance up daily to my mom because I want something to be done about it. She just yells at me and calls it “berating her” and how I always do this on “Friday” when I do it everyday but on Friday, she’ll always mention how I’m doing it on purpose. This is her mentality, this is what she said to me, “You’re pretty in the face. There are girls who are ugly in the face who still have attitude. You can enhance your features yes but you gotta think you’re just as good as everyone else and quit putting yourself down.” She is sick of hearing this everyday and calls it abuse and says she no longer wants to live with me. She thinks I have self-esteem issues and said this all started with facebook and comparing myself to other people. No actually it all started before facebook when guys were putting me down. But you know what really bothers me? What’s super annoying? When guys put you down for the same stuff you ALREADY hate about yourself before they even said anything like hair for example. Oh and speaking of self-esteem issues, I found an article that said how to build self-esteem and it said “work on improving yourself” as the #1 thing on the list.
This is how I view it. My confidence comes mainly from my appearance. When I feel I look good, I keep saying over and over how I’m pretty and I keep smiling and walk completely different. When I don’t feel I look good, it shows. But my mom thinks I should have confidence always no matter what. If all the other girls were restricted in doing things that better their appearance like their hair, they wouldn’t have confidence either. That’s just how it is. My confidence will not come from within and it shouldn’t have to. My mom said how when I wake up in the morning, my husband isn’t going to see me with makeup on. And I said at the point, you’re already in love. He doesn’t care!!! Right now it’s all about appearance. I point out stuff on tv when people say stuff that confirms what I’m saying and she just gets mad at me. Like for example, a Family Feud question one time was “Name something that makes a woman look beautiful.” #1 answer was HAIRSTYLE, It was even above makeup. My mom also gets mad cause I don’t go out with friends. I have no friends and am not making any with my current name/look. My life is on hold until everything gets fixed.
In addition to all this, I have OCD so I feel like a good portion of my day is spent washing my hands, brushing my teeth, scrubbing my retainer, etc and I don’t know how to make these routines shorter. I’m so worried about getting sick.
I’m literally defeated and need help. That’s why I came here. Feel free to offer opinions/advice but please do not say (and keep in mind I’m majorly depressed, this is not a joke) the following:
1. Curly hair/pale skin is attractive. – It’s not what I like and it’s not what I want. Simple as that. And no guys from high school ever said anything about my hair. So that didn’t start from them. I’ve always hated it for as long as I can remember.
2. Don’t compare yourself to the other girls. You are you. – I will stop comparing myself when I look as good as they do. I’m just as pretty in the face so I have the right to look as good as they do and feel just as confident.
3. You are beautiful the way you are. You don’t need to change. – You can tell me this all day long but it’s what I want and nothing will change my mind or make me think differently. It’s not about what others think. It’s about what I think.
4. Everyone goes at their own pace. You’ll find a guy when you’re ready. – I’ve been ready. I should’ve and already would’ve dated if I had looked good.
5. Your confidence should come from within, not the way you look. – I looked it up and during the teenage years, self-esteem/confidence comes mainly from body image. So I have a right to feel this way.
6. I need to let go of the past. – I can’t do this without recreating my life the way I feel it should have been.
I need to know how to get out of this mess and get myself on the right path to where I can actually start living. It’s going to be hard to find a therapist since I am looking for one who is (preferably) young and who is tan and has blonde hair. This is the kind of therapist I feel would best understand me. I found one like this but she’s not accepting new patients. My mom thought this was a phase I was going through but it’s been going on for 4 years. Also I do not have Body Dysmorphic Disorder. People who have this are never satisfied. When my hair is straight, I keep saying how pretty I am and can’t stop admiring myself. So I don’t have that disorder, I just hate curly hair with a passion. PLEASE HELP!
I found these quotes on google:
“Beauty is being the best possible version of yourself on the inside and out.”
“Compliments can make you feel beautiful only for a while but at the end of the day you’ll always be as beautiful as you think you are.”
“Beauty is about enhancing what you have. Let yourself shine through!”
“People will stare. Make it worth their while.”
“The best thing is to look natural, but it takes makeup to look natural.”
“Makeup can’t solve all my problems but it’s a pretty fab start.”
“I love the confidence that makeup gives me.”
“Gorgeous hair is the best revenge.”