I'm not paranoid, but I'm fairly certain...

[Kneller]

the universe is plotting against me.

Still can't find a job. It's been more than five years at this point. Now, I send out resumes and cover letters to jobs that seem like a perfect fit for my qualifications and experience knowing that I'll never even get an interview.

I kinda want to disown my family, for one reason alone. They suggest places to apply, and I do, with the caveat comment, "I won't even get an interview." What do they tell me? "The reason you haven't found a job is because you lack the power of positive thinking?" I have a good attitude at work, and would have one in an interview. How does this make sense? People who don't even know me, haven't even met me yet, automatically disregard me for employment because they can psychically detect my despair? f*** that noise.

I do have a job currently, but that is probably changing. At the shit job I currently have, where I'm not even paid enough to pay my bills and have to have a second part-time job, where I'm about a week from getting "cut back" despite the fact that I bend over backwards to make things work there, where I'm more educated than my boss, his boss, and his boss combined, I get treated like the most worthless piece of shit. But, I can deal with that because I've been secretly developing my own business that's going to, not compete with, but undermine theirs completely.

Remember my family? Those assholes that keep talking about "positive thinking"? Well, whenever I bring up starting my own business, they are quite negative and dismissive about the whole thing. They suggest, "you should just focus on trying to find a job, instead." AS IF I'M NOT TRYING!!! I'm trying to be positive about it, but it's tough when you're only alleged support system on this terrible planet is a bunch of passive aggressive assholes. The next time they try blowing smoke up my ass over this positive thinking thing, I'm probably going to just lose my shit with them, if only to blow off some steam.

It's been more than five years, and I haven't had a single iota of success at anything. Literally. Not a single job interview. I play cards with people and constantly lose. I won't even get into my love life, or lack thereof (mostly because I don't have a single minute of free time because I work two jobs, spend a shit ton of time job hunting and the rest of the time developing a business).

I can even deal with all that, because once I start this business, I'll be able to dish out a big fat helping of "I told you so" to so many people, all of this suffering will be worth it. But wait, there's a problem. I have less than half the startup capital that I need to get this thing off the ground and no idea of how to get the rest. I have tapped out every possible option (small business loan, grants, etc.) and I just can't find any more money. Even liquidating all my assets (which I'm willing/planning to do) won't even get me halfway there.

And what really sucks is that this "business" is actually an agency meant to help certain vulnerable populations that need help. It's not going to get me rich, but it would be a steady job that actually helps people. What kind of universe makes it impossible for a person to pull that off?

To be honest, this agency is going to fail, and it will be my biggest failure to date. Not because it's a bad idea or poorly planned (it's a good idea and well thought out), but simply because I'm doomed. I'm so far beyond stressed out, it's f****** ridiculous. And there's nothing I can do about it. I'm trapped.

[JonsDragonEyes]

Hey there Kneller. It's nice to meet you.

One of the most difficult things is trying so hard and it not seeming to make any difference.

I'm really sorry for everything your going through. I know it seems like the universe is plotting against you but I promise it's not.

I'm going to keep my fingers crossed for you. Someone out there is listening and does care about you. We do here.

I hope that your doing okay. Be sure to keep us updated here and let us know okay ??

Take Care Always.

[Kneller]

Update:

I think my mother and sister are teaming up to discourage me from starting this agency. I recently received a text from my sister's bf, who never texts me, strongly encouraging me to apply to work where he works (a call center in Philly). I should probably mention that before I started planning my own agency, I had asked them about me possibly getting a job there (a call center job is better than unemployment, which I was facing at that point). At that time, they blew me off.

I had previously mentioned at a family gathering, when asked where I was at with this agency, that I was about to start working on my state license applications. I think now that it's starting to become more real, they've had to ramp up their discouragement.

My parents have started giving me clippings from the paper for jobs that aren't even that good of a fit for me. They don't seem to understand that just because I can "stretch" my resume to show how I might be qualified for a job, it doesn't mean that there aren't already dozens, if not hundreds, of applicants who a clearly a better fit without having to stretch their resume. I spent years going down this road with applications and (not surprisingly) never got an interview. They just can't be reasoned with, and they insist on involving themselves in my situation in some really unproductive ways.

Frankly, they're making my situation worse. The subtext in everything they say is basically, "you're a failure, and it's all your fault" even though they don't really understand my situation and how much I've been trying to do something worthwhile. I haven't even failed yet with this agency, and I'm already having "dark thoughts" over all this pressure.

I can't remember the last time I had fun, enjoyed anything, or even laughed. Even if I had the time and money to do something enjoyable, I would be at a loss as to what I should do. It really troubles me (psychologically and spiritually) that all I can remember is misery.