I talked to someone who used to make me feel horrible

[missheliumballoon]

I have been avoiding a former teacher of mine, Mr. Quest, for a little over a year now. I haven't said anything to him since sophomore year, and that was only because he was giving out room numbers for regents. I used to hate that man. I know it was unreasonable for me to feel such animosity towards him, but I did. He has a cynically sarcastic way of being, and when you look at him, you can tell he has no sympathy or compassion for anyone. It's all a joke to him. When I was in his class, he constantly belittled me and made me feel like crap. I used to take everything so personally. So when he would say these things to me and look down at me, I took it as another reason why I wasn't worth anything, because of what he, like others, said to me. It didn't help that I was getting hit with anxiety, depression, and slowly depersonalizing without even knowing what was wrong. I can't coherently put into words my relationship with this man. Today, I talked to him. I wasn't going to, but I felt like I should, like I can't be... afraid? Of him? I can't hold things against him, or let him make me feel this way? My Calculus teacher advised that I ask him about a project I'm doing on electricity etc. etc. and it just so happened he was a certified electrician. I went to his room, after much internal distress, and (luckily there were other students in the room) briefly asked him something about proper glass optics. It bothered me that he laughed at my question, and that he told me i'd be better off doing something else, but I was more disturbed with how much I've changed and how much he hasn't. His eyes say if someone died, he couldn't care less. That bothered me the most. I almost cried after talking to him. I felt like he was partially to blame for my mental collapse. But I didnt cry. I refused to. And I dont blame him for anything anymore. The one thing troubling me is why I nearly cried. I don't quite know why. He was the last class I had that year before I ran out of school and stood on the edge of the train station railing to test if I was real or not (...yeah...) but that was months ago, and its not his fault I was in his class at that time. So why did I tear up?

[Glad2bme]

Being treated like a POS doesn't make you one.

You have feelings about being treated poorly by someone in authority. What they are, you will have to figure out, and that's hard because depression dampens feelings, but facing them, owning them and getting through them are are your key to taking your power back.

Most of my life I've cried when I'm angry for the most part. When I'm so mad I could scream at someone I cry instead.

Injustice happens and anger is the proper response. When we lack power it's easy to turn that anger in upon ourselves.

It's like there is this social myth that the person who has the power is right, so I must be wrong no matter what they tell me. My automatic response is to hate myself and that hurts so I cry. It's ok, though. Tears release toxins and that's all good.

Even when I know I'm angry it still happens, I just start taking care of me and deflecting the messages of worthlessness or of getting back at people by offing myself. I reach out for help. I do something nice for me or tackle a job that needs to be done so I can check it off my list because these things make me feel good about myself and are the fastest way to get rid of self loathing.

Hope that's helpful.

Take care of you!

Glad