Am I really depressed or am I just a spoilt brat?

[Gould]

Hi everyone ,

What should I do? Every day feels like a struggle and the only thing I look forward to is the prospect of returning to my bed to sleep. The days seem to grow longer, the hours bleaker and the sun, dimmer. I just cannot bring myself to face the new dawn anymore and thus, hide in the shadows.

I am 16 and am currently doing my IB diploma and I hate soo many things in life. I hate how everyone expects me to succeed greatly in life just because I have more "opportunities" than my parents (who cheat on each other and are horrible people), I hate how pathetically plastic society is, I hate how I have to put up a facade in public, I hate the fact that all my parents and friends ever talk about revolves around meaningless and disgusting things ranging from failed love relationships to stupid boy bands while all I love and want to talk encompasses the operas of Wagner, satires of Voltaire, artworks of Monet, plays of Goethe, ongoing events such as the Syrian War and straining Chechen-Russian relationships but all I get are looks of oddity and moments of silence fill the icy air when I try. I hate how all my relatives expect me to be a christian and abide to their packaged morals to fulfill my existential gap lest I fall into the trap of nihilistic virtues. Greeting the day and arising from my bed seems to become tougher and tougher as tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow go by. Going to school, talking to people, I hate all this. All I long for is the moment when I return to my room, lock the door and enter my world of literature, classical music and art. This form of escapism seems to be losing it's effects as a result of marginal utility methinks and thus, I feel as though my battle against the galloping arbitrary darkness is coming to an end.

At present, I manage to maintain fairly decent grades comprising of As and Bs in school and have a great many friends (a couple close ones) while maintaining a good relationship with my teachers and relatives who all seem to hold my character greatly and with high esteem but I am absolutely sick of playing this character of me who is not me.

And yes I do take part in many extracurriculars, I teach Afghan refugees english and math weekly, I visit orphanages out of goodwill, I have a fellowship diploma in music performance, i'm a national level athlete, have a burning, fiery obsession with art and music (Not disgusting pop, i'm talking about Berlioz, Rachmaninoff, Scriabin, Kabalevsky, Ligeti, etc.) and yet, even with all these pleasures I feel empty, I feel like a rotting carcass of nothingness that simply refutes rotting away.

What can I do? And please forgive me for my ambiguity, it's just that speaking in a stream of consciousness feels really peaceful.

Is suicide really a bad thing? Whenever I see a news piece on a suicide of a teenager, I feel envy, envious of the peace of their eternal slumber. It's just the pain I fear! Such cowardice is it not? However, the transition into a state of perpetual nothingness,whereby all my emotions, thoughts, expressions, tastes fade into silence, feels relieving. But at present, i'm a little like the old woman from Candide...

p.s. I, by no means, consider myself superior than the members residing within the herd of mediocrity as I am a member as well and if you managed to catch the references of Plath, Shakespeare and Nietzsche, I love you!

[Frame]

Well, well, well; Gould,

First, let me welcome you to the forum.

And I'd like to say that exceptional people, in my experience are prone to despondence, loneliness (even in the middle of a cloying crowd), frustration. One thing I have noticed is that most of the people that find this depression forum are above average in terms of deep thinking.

We could have a philosophical discussion about the morality of suicide (which varies from culture to culture) but suffice it to say, here at the forum we frown upon it. I can sympathize with the feeling of not wanting to slog through each depressing day; however, having attained your present level of proficiency and your obvious potential, the world needs you to stick around and lends a hand. Yes, the world needs you. Sorry, it's not what you wanted to hear is it? No free pass for the future leaders of the world.

I have to get going but I hope we can talk again. Keep posting.
Thanks;
Frame

[4EverMe]

Hello Gould,
Can I ask how long you've been feeling this way? Obviously, you're going through a period of depression, but, the question is, is it clinical. It's difficult to discern...

Please know that there are people who do care, regardless of whether you are temporarily or clinically depressed. We're real. We're listening, and don't wish that you ever finish your own life. There is nothing romantic about it- regardless of how opera can try to romanticize it...

[4EverMe]

My comment about the opera having a tendency to make romanticism out of suicide is a bit cliche, but you get the picture.

[PixieArmy]

Welcome Gould,

I did my IB diploma too some years ago. Actually got into an existential crisis going through some of the TOK curriculum.

I commend you for all the things you do. And I do understand maybe what you are talking about, like an existential void? Maybe the harder question to answer is "why am I doing all this things?"? Finding a sense in all, I believe has little to do with religion and much to do with a personal relationship with whatever you want to call a high being. The answers you won't find in a set system of beliefs but in making your own in my opinion. You can take what makes sense to you, and leave the rest.

Maybe you can find joy into meeting people similar to you, with whom you can have this kind of debates. I read a very sensitive person behind the screen, and most be hard at your age to find people that can follow you on your thoughts and reflections.

To simply answer your question, I don't read a spoiled brat at all on these lines. I read a young man going through a depression and trying to find his way in life.

Welcome again, and hope you can find here some answers to your questions.

Pixie

[PixieArmy]

Frame if you wish we can pm about it so we don't take over this post

[fallen]

i sometimes go to the fridge, open the door, and wonder why am i standing there ?
what am i looking for ?
alas the light in the fridge burns brighter than the one in my head !
when i was 12 i could not do up my shoelaces nor could i tell the time.
i could blame it on my illness but to be honest i am not that bright !!
so after i read your post (and putting down my dictionary ! ) i thought to my self what a beautiful mind you have and you seem like an exceptional person.
it is wrong to cut a beautiful tree down, it is wrong to desecrate a painting by a masterfull artist, so it is a shame for a life such as yours to be extinguished too early.
a star in the night sky shines bright , and seemingly alone hovering above us like a butterfly .
but i like to think it is having a very intelligent conversation with all the other stars up there, fluttering above me.
take care

[chamomilexx]

Hi everyone ,

Is suicide really a bad thing? Whenever I see a news piece on a suicide of a teenager, I feel envy, envious of the peace of their eternal slumber. It's just the pain I fear! Such cowardice is it not? However, the transition into a state of perpetual nothingness,whereby all my emotions, thoughts, expressions, tastes fade into silence, feels relieving. But at present, i'm a little like the old woman from Candide...

Death is not as romantic as it seems.. I am not well versed in many of your references, but I can tell you death is quite ugly. The shockwave through the bereaved is harsh.

I can't say I can solve any problems... obviously.. since I'm here, I'm depressed and am lost. But I do have a suggestion, be honest. Be honest with your parents, your peers, teachers, etc. Take a break.

Just one opinion though.

I hope you feel better.

[Karmel30]

You are selling yourself short. You are an intelligent person. Not just book smart, but you are intellectually smart too. Why are you wasting your time worried out the mediocre. You ARE destined for great things because it is within you, if you want it Love. You get angry at stupidity and that should be a waste of your time. You need to make up your own mind where you want to go from here. Set up a five year plan, and how to accomplish it. Utilize three (COA) courses of action to accomplish your goals. Be more about you, and ignore the rest. It's static noise, you know, like an AM radio station in another language. I'm not telling you to feed into arrogance, but work on your next move. It sounds like you don't need any one to tell you what you want. Don't sell out to the idiot you have no choice to commune with. Count the days you can be with you, and enjoy the ultimate freedom.

xoxo Claudia

[dougsan]

I firmly believe we build our personal realities on our interpretations of our passed experiences. For example, I hate to touch or be touched by humans. As a developing child I was denied the love and attention needed. Therefore, part of my "touching" issue is the fault of my upbringing. The challenge for me is to learn how to function in my reality of touching. Make sense?

I would never suggest any means by which you can help yourself but I am helping myself by analyzing all my realities (both positive and negative) and learning how they impact me and what, if anything, I can do that might offer some improvement.

Suicide, as stated, is ugly for those left to understand the whys and hows. I don't know what it is for the person who does it. I have strong suicidal tendencies and reading "Suicide" by Durkheim helps me to put the tendencies aside.

Your mind, with professional help, should bring you through toward the light.

[92Firebird]

I often find myself in the same boat, I am the youngest of 3 boys and was suppose to be the golden boy miracle child. I was a perfectionist at a young age and didnt learn to be a kid until high school when all my peers started to grow up, the biggest thing ive learned and i hope it helps and its soo cliche but your attitude is the only thing you can control. somedays i just have to wake up and tell myself nobody is going to get in my way, find things that make you happy, as long as they dont destroy yourself. I find peace in driving and you should be elidgable soon shouldnt you?