I don't know

[Sa.bri.el]

The back story is kind of long but skip to the bottom, that's my question.

I feel hopeless. Like depression is going to be a cloud around me forever. I have had depression all my life from abuse and isolation in my childhood and then once when I went out, I had just turned 19 a co-worker said "here try this" and I was massively drunk and I took mdma for the first time. Well. That was a huge mistake. I have taken it almost 7 or 8 times now I think. And although I spread it out I know I have damage. I feel stuck in an anxiety wrought, lifeless void where I don't know if the things that matter in my head are ever going to feel good anymore. And I am so scared and so, SO angry at myself for being so incredibly stupid. I feel like I am never going to be happy again. And I walk every day, run, write, do breathing exercises, you name it, I am trying it (besides prescription meds, because I am scared and cynical about them). I feel like I am regressing back into nothing. Like I am a twitchy, stupid, brain dead lump of nausea collapsing in on myself. All I want to do is love life, I am trying to be in the moment, trying to be present but I think I am chemically messed up. And the last time I did it was three months ago and it was from a strange vial, again I was drunk and sad and vulnerable and STUPID (stupid) I don't know if it was "legal mdma" or what. I know for sure I am done with anything other than life, and trying to live it fully and purely, trying to get back (I know it for sure) but now I just don't know what to do.

So long story short... I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has done mdma, and felt normal again. What did you do? Should I take St. John's wort? I am confused, regretful and scared. Please help.

[fallen]

do not feel stupid, you seem intelligent and kind and thoughtful.
i did coke , what you did and everything else....strangely it had no effect on me whilst everyone else was or off their faces, but heh !
do not be scared you are hardly a drug addict you have only done it a number of times.
drugs effect people differently, some people a lot others like me not at all !
your mind can feel fuzzy after a drug event but yours may be down to the pure fact your tired you need some sleep, you are stressed about what has happened , and you are depressed .
you would have done no damage to your body, but maybe in future steer away from such things , stick to the alcohol and avoid the drugs and be strong, and an individual when it comes to peer pressure.
i am sorry you were abused when a kid.
hypnotherapy has helped me, it is natural, and you do not have to go into lengthy detail about your life if you do not want to.
do not be so hard on yourself, take a big breath and breath, remember you have not damaged your body or mind .
know that some one cares
take care