Enlisting to Either Move On or Pass On

[NeroKnight]

I'm done with my life. I'm done being the small, insignificant person I am. I've decided to enlist. I figure I'll either come out stronger and better off, die over seas, or just end it myself if all else fails. That's what's been in my thoughts for a while now.

I guess you could say my depression started when I was around 9. My mother abandoned me. Her and my dad had seperated, and I was living with her. One I woke up and she wad gone. Everyone in my family knows where she is, but they wont tell me. She never even made an attempt to talk to me in the last 12 years. I hear she's got a new husband now. I guess I was just too much of a bother for her to waste her time raising me anymore.

I've spent this last 12 years taking care of my father. I dealt with all of his delusions, and helped him cope with her leaving. I was basically his therapist throughout the whole ordeal. Since then, I've watched my sister go from abusive relationship to another, trying to help her the whole way. I watched my brother get thrown in jail for being a pedofile. I've suffered heartbreak after heartbreak, watching what little family I have deteriorate. All the while serving as the only supporting structure. When I'd finally thought I'd found reprieve in theform of a woman, I ruined it due to my neediness, due o my abandonment issues. Not once has anyone ever asked me if I'm okay. Not once has anyone noticed the sorrow I livewith everyday. I just support them and slowly wilt from the inside. I'd have ended it all already, but I guess I'm just a coward for not being able to muster up the courage to do it. Aside from those who I've mentioned, I have no one.I'm the black sheep of my family. They don't want anything to do with me. The few people I'm close to me are too busy leaning on me to see I'm already close to being six feet under. I have no friends. I can't seem to make any. Everyone hates Mr because I'm not the same ad them. I'm not immature, unrealistic, naive, or perverse. I feel like there's nothing for me anywhere, with anyone. I'll I've ever wanted was a kind soul to connect with. I doubt that will ever happen.

So I'm going to enlist, to die, move on, or become man enough to end my poor, sorry existence. If they don't accept me, I may just jump off I building or something. Um sorry to burden you with all of my cynicism, but I just needed to get it out.

[Frame]

Hi Nero; I don't want you to die, but let's talk about dying for a minute. Bare with me.

There is a guy out there in Cali. named Jack Kornfield, big name in mediation. (I'm not suggesting you meditate just yet but) One of his lectures talks about struggling with the practice of meditation and he asks; "What if practicing is so hard you just can't do it? What if sitting still is so difficult you feel your going to die? What to do? "Die"."

Now, of course he's not telling any one to die. But when we try to stop in the middle of our frenetic lives for a moment and sit, all of our sordid thoughts an feelings we keep pushing away with activity, they come rushing in and won't give us a minutes peace. He's telling us it's OK (especially in meditation) die to those feelings and to carry on.

So how does that pertain to you?

...all the while serving as the only supporting structure. When I'd finally thought I'd found reprieve in theform of a woman, I ruined it due to my neediness, due o my abandonment issues. Not once has anyone ever asked me if I'm okay. Not once has anyone noticed the sorrow I livewith everyday. I just support them and slowly wilt from the inside. I'd have ended it all already,

It's easy for me to believe that your role as care giver (never mind if it's what you want) is helping push back all those dark feelings. I can also imagine that as you family gets harder to help it's harder to keep those feeling from crashing in.

When you do get the chance, a "reprieve", once again the darkness comes crashing in. This will overwhelm you and anyone who wants to help you. What Jack Kornfield (I think is saying) is that you can die to those feelings for some periods of time and carry on, and not die. These feelings want to be examined and they can be resolved, but over time and not in the middle of a relationship. Much of the work will be done by you alone and I believe you can do it. And you can find a healthy relationship. And you eventually may share these feelings but in a more refined, more resolved form. And your life will be richer for that.

So maybe enlisting is right, maybe not, I can't tell. But if the source of your problems are here, then shipping out will compound the problems of dealing with them. You'll take them with you inside. Unless you examine them, you'll find your self in the middle of them, even in Afghanistan, when you least want to. And if you really do die surrounded by them, because now you have a weapon, my guess is it won't be for honorable reasons.

I think you can find some resolution and that you still have something to give to make the world better. And you have come here. And that's a good step. I think we would like to more about your daily life. You can post when ever you like. There is someone listening.
Welcome;
Frame

[fallen]

going in to the armed forces will put you in an environment of routine and stability.
you learn comradeship and self discipline and you may quite enjoy it.
you will learn your strengths and weaknesses and how to overcome them.
for some people the army becomes their family .
take care

[fallen]

reading my post above i just wanted to add , i personally do not believe in violence towards any living thing , so i am not keen on promoting the armed forces, but seeing that your two options were suicide or the army , i see the army as a more positive solution.
for some people and i know a few who are in the forces it is a fulfilling life.
take care