If hell is rock bottom, I must be the devil

[Llkeffll]

Well, ill keep it short and simple. I've always felt like I've had a low ceratonin lvl. For some reason I focus on the negative in life. Im 21 now, been living on my own since 18.

When I was 13, I was molested and raped multiple times by my soccer coach. I told my best friend at the time. We were about to go into high school together. But he didn't keep it a secret. He told everyone... My whole high school knew.

I was bullied everyday for it. they would follow me around school, telling me how gross I was, how perverted I was. They saw it as I had sex with my coach. Girls would laugh as I walked past. guys would make jokes. No one wanted to associate with me. My whole high school carrier was this.

I used to cut, I used drugs, I drank. Anything to stop feeling. Not just feeling bad, just feeling.

It gets worse from there.

My parents just found out last year. I live in a different town from them now and rarely talk to them. I was destroying them with my self destructive behavior.

[Frame]

Hello Likeffll; Welcome to the site. Please forgive me if, in my ignorance, I say anything disrespectful. What you have gone through is a horrible trial and terrible breach of responsibility in authority. But you have probably already heard that. I am glad your talking and hope this forum can provide insight and speed healing.

I have a question. Do you feel that your Serotonin levels were low even in grade school? I don't believe I have been through the pain you have but I have had many self destructive years. I also realize that there was a point early in my life where I lost a lot of my families affection. I have heard that warmth and affection is tied to Serotonin levels.

It's interesting you put self harm on the same terms as cleaning. I cringe at opening mail and I practically never clean. All three things are difficult (I can never throw things away) but sometimes it's a comfort to know I could if I wanted to.

Anyway, welcome to the forum.

[Llkeffll]

I'm surprised at how quick I got a response, I didn't know if this fourm was used much.

now that I understand seratonin more I know that it was low since as far back as I can remember. I would cry for no reason, get angry over meaningless things.

peoples ignorance just made things so much worse

I'm sorry about adding that part about the park. I was just feeling really sad and most of the responses I get when I'm like that is something along the lines of "it gets better" or "I'll get over it". I've been called a hypochondriac a lot of my life.

I guess that part was just a way of letting people know that what I feel is real. I just want a little understanding.

I'm editing that part out :/ I always feel embarrassed when I actually tell people those kind of events that have happened.

[Frame]

Editing is fine. But, if you really feel you need to get it off your chest (and it's not explicitly uncivil) it's all good. I understand about undesired responses though. I think that's part of learning to live with our past (and present). You can also put it "expressions" as fiction, or poetry, or prose where you might be less likely to have someone try to help with "solutuion".

[Llkeffll]

Well solutions or suggestions aren't what make me feel bad necessarily. they do help and are an important role in healing in my mind.

It's the fact that I know that they exist and that they will help. I just push that part of my life so far out of my mind that acting on the suggestions is like acknowledging that those things happened. So I don't do anything about it.

I guess in a way, I am doing this to myself. I'm making it worse by keeping everything bottled up until I reach a point like tonight where things burst out.

[Frame]

I find it often find it helpful to consider that every living thing (could be bacteria, could be a plant, could be human) when faced with a choice with always choose the option they think is best. Have you ever heard of a plant running away from the light. But we can only make use of the options we see.

My point is that, whatever we have done in our life, what ever judgements have been made by yourself or others, we all make the best choices we can given the options we have. I don't think it is healthy to blame ourselves for not seeing our options more clearly, especially when their so many things out there that would intentionally mislead us. We are all worthy of our own forgiveness.

So if and when you choose to consider things that happened in the past, try to treat yourself gently. Little by little you may be able to separate the facts from the emotions and see a bit more clearly. You may find more options for the future. You don't have to do it alone.