Spinning My Wheels ... Going Nowhere

[SilverSurfer1221]

Hello everyone. I need help. I can't afford to see anyone and I don't even (currently) have a vehicle to make an appointment even if I did. But I am spinning my wheels, getting nowhere, and have, in many ways, become my own worst enemy. So I thought I would seek some kind of help somewhere. Any help should be better than none, right?

I won't (can't) get into a lot of details at the moment other than to say that I have experienced a life changing moment that cost me everything. I ended up losing my family (wife and four kids), my finances, my reputation, and more. For the last four years I have just been trying to survive. And in many ways I have come a long way. In fact, I have come further than many who have experienced similar circumstances. However, I am still struggling in some very important areas ... areas that are very important to me.

I am an artist and make my living by both my art and by doing things such as website design, print design, and other similar things. I used to make my living doing this and supported a family of six. Now that there is just me I cannot even support myself. And most of the problem is me. As stated, I have become my own worst enemy.

I hit these cycles most days where I will do nothing. Nothing. I have a few projects and I could find more. But I don't work on the projects I have and I don't go looking for work. So my lack of finances is my own fault. I won't do what I need to do to get work and get paid.

What ends up happening many times is I get this swirl of things going on in my head of all that I need to do and/or should be doing. These thoughts also include things I want to be doing (playing a game, creating my own art for my own reasons, writing a novel, etc.). So, there is this tug and pull between what I need to do (client work, find more work) and what I want to do (pursue my own dreams). What I end up doing is NOTHING!

It sort of works like this in my head: I don't want to do the client work because I would rather work on my own things. So I don't do the client work. But then when I start to do the personal work I feel guilty, so I don't do that either. The end result is I just sit there all day and do nothing. Then, at the end of the day, I feel miserable because I am a middle-aged man that has wasted yet another day.

Now, not all days are like this. Most are, but not all. I have a day a week or so where I am uber-productive! I get more done in that one day than I normally would have. I feel good about what I've accomplished and go to bed ready to face the next day. But the next day comes (and the next, and the next) and I am back in the old pattern again.

Some friends have told me that I just need to start on my work no matter how I feel. And that makes sense to me. But I won't do it. I don't know why. I may even go so far as to gather the materials I need for a task and then ... then I just sit there. Or I'll take a nap. Or I'll surf the web.

By spinning my wheels as I have I find that I don't have any money. So I cannot afford things. If it wasn't for a dear friend I would most likely be homeless right now. Having no funds adds to the depression. I can't work. And I can't afford to do anything. I wouldn't be able to even post here if it weren't for having access to my friend's Internet.

So, what do I do? How do I get out of this rut? How do I overcome this depression that seems to have so paralyzed me?

Feel free to ask any questions. I'll do my best to respond. I just want to start on the road to getting better and being productive. I have so much I want to do with the rest of my life and I don't want to waste it just sitting around.

[fallen]

i'm also self employed so i have come across the same problems of in action.
how i get around it is that i discipline my self through routine, i get up and go to bed at a certain time ,eat and make coffee at a certain time, my life for the most part is run like this. whether sad or otherwise i get up and work.
the average person has days of low motivation and high motivation that's normal, on low days it is best to break your routine and go for a walk in nature so you get out of your world into an environment that can transport you somewhere else. on low days don't put extra pressure on your self.
take care

[SilverSurfer1221]

Thanks, Fallen. I hear you. Your advice is akin to what my friends have meant when they say, "Just do it." However, I won't even schedule my day, organize it, or attempt to go to bed at a certain time or get up at a certain time. I know I should be more disciplined, but I can't seem to muster the energy to do it.

I do tend to create lists of things to do and even order these in the order of importance. But these lists just tend to become clutters of paper that I conveniently ignore. And, as a result, they become another item in my list of things that I berate myself about.

Oh, and though I am an artist/writer, I am very familiar with discipline (and not just the free-floating lifestyle of so many creatives). I did serve in the U.S. Marines. So discipline was a way of life.

[fallen]

hypnotherapy has on many occasion flipped a switch in my mind so that i was able to cope better with things be it exams ,work anger etc.
if your not getting enough sunlight you will be deficient in vitamin d.
meditation and calming the mind helps, soothing music.
sugar products, soft drinks etc will screw with your mind and take your body and mind on a high and low roller coaster.
therefore protein ,nuts ,good fats will sustain your energy right through the day.
hope this helps
take care

[SilverSurfer1221]

I have no money, so I don't think that hypnotherapy is an option for me. And I think what is going on is a little more than a vitamin D deficiency or the food I am eating or not eating. I do appreciate your comments, but I don't see how any of this is going to help me get to the root of my depression and how to make myself motivated to do work and other things I need/want to do.

EDIT: Not that those things wouldn't help. A proper diet is always helpful.

[Alaska1958]

Myself, I've never been self motivated enough to be able to work for myself. Sorry for the poor sentence structure. Your case (and know that I'm not qualified to diagnose) almost sounds like a bipolar depression. Like on that one day a week that you're uber productive is your manic phase. Just a thought and even if I'm right does it help at all?

I can commiserate. I wish you luck.

[SilverSurfer1221]

Hi Alaska1958. I don't think it is bi-polar. I did see someone at the VA when I did have a vehicle last year and no one hinted at bi-polar. They seemed to think it was depression.

[Frame]

A couple things Silver;

Many diagnoses in my opinion, are expedient for the organization doing the test. That is, a diagnosis helps identify areas to investivate but can't be considered a solid catagory. Doctors like to fit you into a specific available treatment and it's generally not that simple. Also, chronic depression is now often diagnosed as bipolar type II; so check it out.

Also, I know it's tough having no money, but being self employed is incredibly difficult; so it's important to be gentle on yourself. Just telling yourself; be positive, give yourself a break, you deserve a pat on the back; that doesn't get you what know you need now, but the opposite pushes you farther away.

So far, probably none of this is what you want to hear so I guess I'll go for broke (by the way this is also the financial story of my life) and say that there seems to be a historical connection and a reason why artists often lead miserable lives. Whether the desperation makes the artist or the artist makes the desperation, it is a tool we can use refine our message and focus our passion. I know, I know; Bla, bla, bla; but I'm serious. Artists and revolutionaries need more support than most people. But artists can be full of self doubt, making it difficult to reach out. You've taken a positive step here; I believe there are more to come.

[SilverSurfer1221]

A little more background:

I have not at all suffered with depression throughout my life. I've had good times, bad times, witnessed great things and bad things, and had even been sent to war. My parents divorced when I was 9. I never saw my mother again since I was 11. On and on it goes. However, I never was depressed. Never felt depressed. I was not always perfectly happy, of course, but not depressed. And I could always work, always create, and took a lot of pleasure in creating things, in finding new things out, etc.

My depression began after a series of traumatic events that left me devastated. This happened in 2008 and I am still suffering with it. So, while I am not a psychologist and while I don't play one on TV, I can't see how this is bi-polar since my depression has not be a life long event or has not be on again/off again throughout my life. My depression is 'new' to me in that it seems to be a direct result of events that have occurred in my life over the past four years. And this depression seems to be quite paralyzing because, being a new thing I don't know how to handle it or get past it.

Money, or the lack thereof, is one factor that contributes. There's no doubt about that. But it is not the main factor. Again, I have a great friend that helps me and so there is no real fear (at this time) of me being out on the street. However, being cognoscente of the fact that without help I would be homeless does make me feel quite worthless at times. I have a deep need to be or become as self-sufficient as I can.

Yes, artists and creative types often seem to have mental issues to deal with. However, as stated above, that was not me for the first 40 years of my life. Not that my life was perfect. Far from it. But depression did not seem to be a part of it. I always seemed to have a go-get-em attitude and the ability to overcome (at least enough to survive). And while I am artistic and creative, I am fairly logical, too.

My issue, besides spinning my wheels and feeling bad/guilty about usually not doing anything, is that I seem to have lost my joy in doing things that I used to enjoy. It's like I've become deadened to many of the things that used to bring me so much happiness.

[fallen]

there is no quick fix or magic cure all to depression, if you find it please let us all know.
there are three things that you can try to ease your problem. one is your environment which you can improve or change. second is your body and what you feed it as this can help with mood swings. third is the mind which you have to discipline as hard as it is.
if you can not see a proffesional there maybe a local communtiy support group that can help you other wise you are going to have to analyse your whole life , as something that you deem insignificant in your past could infact be the trigger to your depression now.
obviously since 2008 your world has been turned upside down but that may not be the root of your depression.
it is great that you can be a working artist good on you.
take care

[4EverMe]

Hi SilverSurfer,
You are not alone with what you're dealing with. I have also been experiencing this for some time. However, it has become MUCH worse ever since some very stressful events (many of which I'm currently going through). Over the past few days, I've been reduced to tears. There are many things I HAVE to be doing--One is to find another apt so that I don't become homeless. The cycle? Knowing you need to be doing something, and rarely being able to do it, only to be wracked with guilt/self-blame? I know what you mean 150% !! It's a VERY scary situation, and not one you feel you can just 'pull out of.' Logically, I KNOW what I need to be doing; I'm also on a very short timeline! Although I know what I should be working on (I'm making very organized lists, as well) I'm frozen & can't much even move!. It's like I'm PARALYZED by something! It doesn't help to try and think all good things, or to logically KNOW that this is NOT normal.The problem is, I'm desperately stuck!...Can't undo this alone!

[4EverMe]

I had to come back, just to say I did a bit better today--thanks to answered prayers. (literally) Take care.

[Pilule]

Silver Surfer,

By definition, depressed people lack motivation.

I'm in the same situation you are, self-employed, no money, rely on others to survive, lack of motivation, would rather work on my own stuff. The days I accomplished nothing I feel guilty, like crap.

In school, I never studied. When I went to college, that didn't work anymore. I just squeezed by.

I went back to night school with a different motivation. At first, I didn't understand anything. I started studying but I didn't have motivation. I realized that once I got started, then I could go on for many hours. The problem was always the same, getting starting. I have the same problem today, but once I get passed this hurdle and get going, I feel better.

Making lists is not a good thing, it's typical of somebody that doesn't get much done in a day. The list gets longer and longer and you get more and more discouraged when you look at it.

[Frame]

Hi Pilule;

I just want to disagree with one point of yours. There are different ways of making and using lists. I've tried and continue to use a few different types. One that I have found problematic, is a formal list; that is, a piece of paper or note book in which I write items, track progress, check things off, highlight critical or late items... These freak me out.

Over the course of years, I have used white boards when I was better motivated. I could write, draw, check, circle, elaborate in different ways; but most importantly, I could erase some or all and start again periodically. That's probably why the kind of list that works best for me, is a piece of scrap paper. Depending on the job, or season, or how I feel, I can write a short list or long, in pencil pen or fat magic marker, sketch a process, diagram, or one word in blinking red marker. If I'm not paying attention I can use a big piece with big words. If my in a grove it may be a typed and numbered list.

But the most important function (like the white board erasure) is that I throw it out. If there are still important items, I start a new list, but trash the old one. My point is that we can't obsess over the list (that's an easy rut). We have to periodically start fresh. When? When ever I start to wonder what the #$8%)$# I'm doing, then it's time to get a fresh piece of paper, pizza box, shipping carton, pack of matches; and write the important things from the old list then throw out the old list and add to the new list. Start fresh. That way I don't have to look at the old items and wonder if they are really done, did I do them well. Damnit, they're gone, done, on to the next. And don't worry about slipping up, missing an item that needed transferring. If it really needed to be done, it will be back.

Anyway, that's how a list works for me. I hasn't fixed me. But it has helped quite a bit.

[4EverMe]

You tell it Frame!
Although I agree with what you said, I laughed longer and harder than I have in a while. BTW, thank you for some new list ideas I haven't tried yet. My wall was fixing to get a taste of some fat, red, blinking marker. Heehee.

If anybody has issue with organization by evil list, one should see the lists I create. I'm pretty artistic, I'm told. Hmm. MY lists heap new meaning upon the word 'artistic!' MY lists are not always organized; The crazier my mind, the crazier and more disarrayed my lists become. Maybe that's why they remind me of jigsaw puzzles. But they give me reminders, little smiley faces, retarded notes to myself like, "Have a nice day." For me it's important to write lists because it makes me feel sexy and successful. (though I'm not successful). But I AM creative. Writers are usually fond of lists...which reminds me...I've a list of things to accomplish today! Where's my pen and pad? Which notebook shall I choose? I'll add to my new list to buy a notebook with dividers. Heehee