I'm truly not sure where to begin. I've told the story to a few others. But only a few. What's really sad, is that the people closest to me (wife, parents, best friends) have no clue about it at all. They know I'm not myself lately...but they don't know the story behind it.
I'll try to describe it as plainly as I can be. And, I'll try to sum it all up in a few paragraphs...because I certainly don't want to bore people to tears.
I was born with phimosis. A very small issue affecting about 1 in 10 men. For me, it is purely a minor appearance thing. It is not painful, nor does it cause me any personal difficulties or performance issues. It has, however, caused me some unbearable grief, embarassment, and fear.... affecting almost all of the relationships I've either had/or not had in my life.
Being a touchy-feely, emotional guy ... I've always craved affection from the opposite sex.
When I was first 'getting started' with girls in my teen years...I tried to ignore the issue as best as possible. But even back then, I was well aware that I did not 'look' like the other boys. And so...I was leary of getting too serious with anyone. I would kiss and hug, but that's about it.
As time went on...and I neared the age of 18 ... some depression started to sink in. I didn't feel loved or needed...because I couldn't seem to land or keep a girlfriend. And that was likely from trying too hard. I was well-liked, but not enough for 'boyfriend' material. I was losing confidence quickly. I wanted to express myself, enjoy a physical connection with someone, but I was terrified of rejection.
And yet, as mentioned, in my case phimosis was purely an appearance issue. It didn't hurt. I didn't have problems urinating. I could get an erection and keep it. So - it was this strange conversation in my mind of "well, why fix something that doesn't really need to be fixed?" AND "surely if I meet someone who is kind and caring enough, perhaps they won't care about it either. If they're worth keeping around, they'll love me for who I am."
I kept trying to tell myself that, over and over.
A couple years later, I met my soon-to-be wife ... and everything changed. I fell in love....or, at least, I thought I had. The very first time we were intimate...she had NO clue about the condition. She didn't even notice I was different in any way at all. I was so relieved... I was elated, over-joyed.... and I threw myself at her. I pushed myself on her....doing everything I could to keep her around. I was blinded by the acceptance she offered.
It worked. But at the expense of a few other lost friendships.
We got married ... and for a while, life was great. I had even noticed a return to my confidence. I was getting involved in sports and theatre and MC'ing, and all the things I enjoyed doing. My confidence was at a peak...so much so...that I started to notice other women too. They would flirt with me...and I would flirt with them. I was feeling pretty good about myself....so I 'pushed' the boundaries of these friendships until it became apparent that something "friendlier" could happen.
But then, I would back away suddenly...sabotaging or abandoning the friendship...because those old fears of rejection set in again. I didn't want ANYONE to see me naked...despite my continual cravings for attention and affection.
This happened for years and years and years... one girl after another ... meeting someone new - forming a friendship - flirting heavily - then watching the situation deteriorate as I pushed each of them away.
I was happily married... but I kept seeking self-assurance and acceptance from everyone ELSE. I wanted to know if I could get someone ELSE to like me and accept me...just as my wife had.
It was a lost cause. I didn't need anyone's acceptance. I've only ever needed my OWN acceptance. But I couldn't see it right away.
Anyway ... to make a long story short.... the issue caused me extreme confusion throughout the past 20 years ...unsure why I was unhappy, depressed and saddended all the time. Why I would flirt with other people, when I should have been happy in my marriage. I thought I needed changes...but I couldn't determine where.
In 2005, I hit rock bottom. I was so distraught and confused that I broke down, and gave in to temptation. I had an intense affair that lasted a month. It was an experience I'll never forget - and never forgive myself for.
After that happened, I knew that I needed change. I STILL didn't know where they were needed, but I was ready to re-shuffle my existence to find out.
So I changed careers....I changed clothes, I changed habits....I did a complete make-over in my life....but nothing helped. I was fading.
Then, I woke up one morning, stared at myself in the mirror...and realized, despite my best efforts to ignore, accept or just plain not worry about the annoying problem between my legs - I knew suddenly that this one stupid, meaningless, insignificant issue was the cause of my broken self-esteem. I had let it consume me. My fear of rejection with all things physical had transferred to every other part of my life. I lacked confidence in every aspect of my life - and it all started with a dumb piece of skin.
I was mad and embarassed. I felt guilty as hell for the mistakes I had made.
I knew right then and there .. that I had to FIX the issue that had plagued me forever.
Even if it wasn't the real problem anymore....I had made myself believe that it was. I had attached so much negativity and saddening memories to it, that I honestly believed if I fixed it once and for all, it would feed a rush of positivity.
But, just my luck, the issue didn't get resolved, my confidence was still shattered ... and I almost felt worse than before.
As of today, I don't even give a crap about the issue itself anymore. Who cares. Truly. I'm done with it. It is the state it has left me in that is the discouraging part. It is the lingering effects of the stupidity that I'm left with now. I've grown distant in my marriage ... and what a shame that is. My wife and I have had sex 3 times in the past two years. Probably 10 times in the past 8 years. She is incredibly passive and never makes the first move, ever ... so that just adds to the distance between us.
There is no romance, no passion, no intensity. And it isn't a simple matter of "re-igniting the spark." That only works if you feel something for the other person. I love her dearly. But as a friend.
Please don't get me wrong, however. This is entirely my fault, not hers. Some would say she has a major role to play in all this too - but that is hard to believe. True, she is not a physical being ... and doesn't seem to care or be concerned with our physical connection anymore. But who can blame her?
Would it be nice for her to touch me once in a while? Of course it would. But why would she? I'm not exactly coming home with bags of romance every night. She has no reason to touch me.
sigh.
When we do attempt to get close, it is horribly awkward. I've become a terrible lover. Not just a terrible lover, the worst one on the planet. I don't know what I'm doing at all in that department. I desperately want the attention, but I don't even know how to accept it or reciprocate anymore.
As you can see, there are many, many gaps to fill into this story. So much more to tell. So many mistakes: one serious affair, one minor affair, and one emotional affair. Three strikes and I'm out.
What blows me away more than anything, is that I've always resented people who could never work out their marriage difficulties. I always believed that communication is the answer to every problem. And for heaven's sake, respect your spouse. If you're unhappy, try to fix things. If that doesn't work, then LEAVE. But don't be disloyal. Don't cheat. Don't lie. If there's a probem, address it.
But my problem, was that I didn't know what the problem was at all, at first. I only knew that I was completely empty inside. I needed something. It could have been a substance. It could have been alcohol or drugs or gambling. But it was physical temptation that fed my cravings. No big surprise when you look back at the years and years and years and years of sexual frustration and insecurity.
Many people have asked me "Why didn't you talk to your wife about this? Why don't you talk to her about it now?"
How can I do that, when I'm not at peace with myself? How I can I thrust years and years and years and years of painful information onto my wife, now, at this point? What good will it do to tell her that I don't know if I love her anymore - if I truly don't know whether I do or not?
Until I find a way to love myself - I will forever be unclear about anyone and everything else.
Admittedly, I am selfish for trying to fix this on my own. I am a coward for not recognizing and addressing it sooner. I'm a jerk for seeking out attention whereever I can get it - to fill in the minor gaps while I wait for redemption.
I make no illusions about any of that.
I'm hurt and lost and scared.
I know what needs to be done...I've been to therapy, doctors, you name it. I know I need to take small steps. But the journey is difficult.
When I look at everyone else's issues on here...I feel ashamed. My problems are ridiculous compared to the struggles of others. But here I am...nonetheless.... seeking the support of others.
I pray for forgiveness every night. I pray that I haven't wasted the time of the amazing people around me. I pray that I can save my marriage, if indeed I was/am blinded by confusion - and couldn't see happiness right in front of my face all along.
I pray I'll start being a man - and own up to my errors. I pray for all this.
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