I have been known to take everything the bothers me and just cram it in the pile of other things. It just builds and builds pressure in my mind until....well boom. It leads to a moment like right now, everything floods to the surface and BANG there it is to deal with all at one time! I think I almost just do this as a self abuse to make sure I suffer in silence. Something about my past dealing with abuse makes this needed for me to function, probably a mix of self-hatred and the need to "Experience Consequences" for pretty much just being alive. It leads to me losing touch sometimes with a sense of self and I take on the role of the abuser to my own ego.
I am filled with negativity at the quiet realistic possibilities of my future. I have lost all social connection with anyone that once were my friends due reasons I am not honestly to sure of. I need to now begin looking for a job so I can once again move out on my own. Once I do get this job though and heck even fast forward to me having my own place I know I will still be a Lone Sheep. I will get up, go to work, come home, go to bed, repeat.....forever. At this point in life I don't see how I can form an interaction with another human being that isn't abusive, narcissistic, or somehow ending with them gaining something. At this point though I really don't see why they wouldn't take the opportunity, all they have to do is show me a speck of love and I am hooked on the need to be accepted and loved in any way I can.
Then There is Transition! Adding more disapproval to the list I have caused them. I would never be viewed the way I know deep down I deserve to be. If I am even allowed to be a part of the family anymore as I am pretty sure the concept is going to go over very poorly. Every family get together there I would sit not even viewed as the person I am but something foreign and impossible for them to understand! After all the family issues involved in coming out as Female now I have to achieve this goal by some miracle. There is Years of Hormones to be paid for, mammaplasty,Facial feminization surgury, chondrolaryngoplasty, Gender reassignment surgery, Laser treatments, the list never seems shorter. All of which somehow I must find funds. As a 18 year old this is overwhelming to me I feel like I should be out there blowing my money and learning life lessons the hard way, but I had to grow up like *snap* that quick and figure all this stuff out by myself.
Mood-swings everyday just bounce all over the place leaving me mentally drained, which medication isn't really helping with too much.
BLAH!!!!! I Just need Hugs. Today has been a bad day
Love,
PeaceLove