Depression Understood Forums

When I see you hurting I just want to reach out and take your hand
So that you know I'm here and that I will do my best to understand
But you try to mask your pain
Too many people have played games
And slowly but surely you began to share
Your pain, only to find out they didn't care
They left you lost and confused
Feeling battered and bruised
So you made a vow to keep it all in
Tell noone, not even a friend
You've let it fester and boil
You look around and all you see is turmoil
You don't like who you became
On the account of them playing games
But still you are on the fence
Unable to tell the difference
Between a sometimes friend
And one that will be there 'til the end
I know you are still unsure
If my intentions are pure
But I'll keep my hand stretched out
'Til you become free of doubt
So for now I will hold it steady
Until I know you are ready
I won't push, I won't pry
Nor will I judge you if you should cry
But I will remain a constant through out it all
And I'll be here when you call
Because I hope in the end
You'll consider me more than a sometimes friend

hollyann 7/9/11

I really liked this poem (((( hollyann ))))!
To be honest, it's very much how I feel at the moment. At the moment it feels like there are some people that I can be absolutely honest with about how I feel. My feelings of isolation, my suicidal ideation, my feelings of wondering if I'm going to be able to keep " improvising " my way through working for an employer where success seems more and more to be defined as cutting x amount of jobs over y amount of time. And then there are people I like, respect can interact well with, but always with the thought: " Don't frighten the " normal " people " at the back of my mind. And, it surprises (?), dismays (?) me how easy it is for me to do that most of the time. Recently, I find that I'm rather avoiding my friends, cold-bloodedly aware that they may not be able to cope with my bleaker, darker feelings, and afterall, why should they have to? But, at the same time, they've known me far too long and too well for me to merely pretend to be " fine ".
I wonder if, even in theory, I could meet a woman who could know everything about my depression/anxiety and those feelings I have as a result, and still like/love/respect me?

Tacking sorry for the late to reply. I'm so sorry you've been feeling this way. I hope by now you are feeling better. (((((Tacking))))))) And yes I do believe you can find someone that can feel those things towards and for you. It's possible. May not always happen when we want or think it should, but it can happen. Hang in there. And thank you for responding and reaching out. You don't frighten us here and like having you around.

hollyann

Thanks so much for your kind words, (((( hollyann ))))! I am, by the Grace of God, " hanging in there "! Please don't worry about " the late to reply ". Quite the reverse, in fact, I'm glad to see you back here after your accident, and what you said means so very much to me.
It helps me so much to have somewhere where I don't frighten people even at my bleakest moments, and where people still like having me around even then... And where I can feel that my " responding and reaching out " is OK and even has value.

(((((((((Tacking))))))))) Thank you. Its definately good to be back. I'm glad that we have this place and glad that you are here. Never forget you do have value. We all see it here. No matter what you feel, you are important here, and its always good to see you post.

hollyann

((((((((((holly))))))))))

i love that. that was so beautiful. you are definitely more than a sometimes friend holly and i hope whoever you were writing this to has proven not to be a sometimes friend either.
i also like the concept of a sometimes friend, well i dont like it i mean obviously no-one wants a sometimes friend, but i just mean its a great way of explaining something and putting it.

jj

((((((((JJ)))))))))))))) thank you. And I understand what you mean about liking it. Part of this was about me, and my feelings, my struggle to make friends, and another part was about a friend of mine I haven't really spoken to in over 3 months now. Not sure why, or what I did, or didn't do. Sometimes by not pushing or asking I come off aloof, or distant, or self centered, or feel like I do at least. This is just basically my way of getting it out, because it has hurt. But saying I'm still here. and still consider the person a friend.

" Not sure why, or what I did, or didn't do. " The thought occurs to me, (((( hollyann )))), that it may well be absolutely nothing to do with anything you did or didn't do at all. When you talked about that friend of yours, that you haven't really spoken to in over three months now, that friend of yours rather reminded me of me. In the sense that I haven't been seeing as much of my own friends recently as I have at other times. I've been feeling slightly more depressed/anxious recently. And, as a result, I've been finding that striking a balance between spending enough time with my friends to " refresh my spirit " and avoid feelings of social isolation on the one hand, and spending enough time by myself to allow me to catch my breath, centre myself emotionally and catch up on my sleep on the other, is something that I'm accomplishing slightly more clumsily than usual. Also, I'm feeling particularly conscious at the moment of my faults and flaws, how I'm perhaps not handling them as well as I could, and not wanting them to spill over into the lives of others, so I've tended to perhaps spend less time than usual with my friends. A situation I'm making a conscious effort to remedy.
But, even if I haven't seen some of my friends for a while, I still think of them as friends as much as ever. In a way, perhaps, sometimes, friends can be like the planets of a solar system. They may spend a long time far apart, but still remain friends. Just as planets may be far apart, but remain part of a solar system, their orbits bringing back together just as their orbits sometimes move them apart.
Perhaps it may be that just as you still consider this person as a friend, they also still consider you as their friend, and it may be that some " pertubation " in their life's " orbit " has just moved you and them apart for a while? And, that they may well appreciate the fact that you're still here for them, at some point in the future. You never know, do you? ( As the Doctor said, in Planet of the Dead: " I live in hope. " )

Love it!!
You are amazing at poems holly.
(((Big hugs)))

Well?
Serendipidity? Coincidence? Irony? My somehow being shown just what I needed to see? Or, should I just be thanking you ((((CrazyLady17)))) for your very well-timed remark?
And, of course your absolutely true remark, ((((CrazyLady17))))!
( I still really identify with what you say in your very perceptive poem ((((hollyann )))). I hope you're doing OK! )
In fact, I find I particularly identify with, and am helped by rereading, this poem at the moment. Because, I'm once again in one of my " feeing in one of my distant / not being a particularly good person to be around at the moment " orbits. As far as my friends and the people in my life are concerned.
What my be termed workforce / employer relations have been very difficult for the past few months. Myself, the other employees and the union that representations have very much had to dig our heels and fight our corner against our employer.
( You Americans are soooo lucky!!!! Unlike British civil service employees,
you've never had to deal with an unreasonable British government, and a British Monarchy that just doesn't seem to care about you... 0
( Yes...British humour...It is weird...Sorry...!!!! )
Any, given the very uncomfortable workplace environment, and a manager with rather confrontational, " bull at a gate " m\ansgement style, my depression/ anxiety have been really " amping up " over the last few months .
And, on Saturday, I ended up having an " out of the blue " " panic attack " in a restaurant in the city centre, and I just had to get out of there.
It was such a stupid thing too...
Some friends of mine and I had arranged to meet up for a meal just before Christmas. " The consensus had drifted towards last Saturday as a date, and a city centre Italian restaurant as a place.
Anyway, I don't speak Italian, haven't ever really had Italian food, ( Unless you count spaghetti and pizza as still being only Italian food? ), so perhaps if I'd thought about it I'd thought about it I should have seen a trainwreck waiting to happen? Or, perhaps I should have realise that I was too anxious and depressed for " social interaction ". ( As Sheldon Cooper might put it? )
Anyway, there was what would probably have been a minor mix-up over food order. Some of my friends thought I'd been brought the wrong thing, the poor waitress wasn't sure, and I never knew what I'd bloody ordered in the first place!
So, i just left enough monet to pay the bill and bolted

Thank you!
(((Big hugs)))