my prision (may trigger)

[hollyann]

I sit inside these four walls
And my tears slowly begin to fall
I stare at the window looking at my son
Watching as he has so much fun
Playing out in the yard
And like I always do I wish it wasn't so hard
For me to go out and watch him play
I ache to do it, but yet inside I still stay
I watch him toss the ball up in the air
And once again I think how its not fair
Not so long ago I would have played catch with him
I would give anything to have that back again
I hurt a little more each time he asks me out to play
And I always tell him some other day
These four walls, my so called home
Has been a prision for so long
I sit in the room, looking out at the nice day
Wishing for a better day
And the times I get out, I can't wait to get back in
And in my heart I know its not fair to him
I used to meet him at the bus
And I would listen to him fuss
About the day he had at school
But yet he'd think it cool
When I carried him in
And when people would say he's too big he'd look and grin
It's tradition he'd say
How I wish I could recapture those days
But they seem forever gone
And its hard to move on
And accept those days are behind me
And I may never be free
From these walls that keep me safe but close me in
Slowly dying wishing I could be free again
Not to pace when I'm outside,
Not to panic and want to hide
Even going to the store
Is becoming more and more of a chore
So once again I sit here these four walls
My tears slowly fall
The uncalled for fear keeps me in
Safe inside my prision again

[crystalgaze]

Wow... Hollyann.... I truly did feel the emotion in your poem....

Don't give up there lady... You've still got it in you & you can do it....

I had a thought... but I don't know how appropriate it is.... I don't know how severe your panic is....

Have you tried telling your son that you feel sick? instead of giving a blanket answer, if that is how it goes? I don't think he would be upset or hurt if you told him you felt sick (which is not a lie)....

Sometimes say you feel sick.... & other times in the case of playing in the backyard.... can you say you'll try for 5 mins & then run back inside?

Like your son will know you are sick, but that you wanted to try? Something like that? ??

((((((((( hollyann )))))))))) Random thoughts & I meant no harm....