sad and empty

[mudget96]

It's storming here. Hollow and empty. It's all too much. i have many good things in my life. But i can't stop this hollow feeling. It's painful. i can't explain it. i have dealt with it for years. i'm on Prozac and other drugs. But lately it is getting worse. i've gone to several of these depression sites but i can't seem to get any one to respond to me. i don't know the right things to say, i guess. There must be someone that understands. If i stay it doesn't help.....if i go it doesn't help. How can i mean so much to others and so little to myself? So many lean on me but i have no one to lean on.

[keluca]

((((((mudget))))))))
Welcome to the forum

Its so hard when others lean on you when you feel so low yourself and that you cannot share how you are feeling.

Loving yourself is one of the hardest things when feeling depressed and to start to change that you need to change the way you think and to change some daily parts of your life.

To start with you need to find out what you do just for YOURSELF..... then work on increasing it slowly.

Do you feel if your meds are working?

Do you have anyone at all you can share how you are feeling?

We are here to listen and be of support to you, we are a friendly bunch

[Obayan]

Hi. Sounds like it's time to talk to your doc and tell him the program isn't working anymore and you need an alteration. either with the meds or therapy or something. You found a good place to come. There are many good people here willing to listen and help if they can.

[mudget96]

Obayan: i know you are right. i am just so tired of doctor's that i can't seem to bring myself to going this time. Do you ever feel that way? Thanks for the support.

keluca: i am 58 yrs. old. All my family is getting old and many of them are passing away. i am just trying to be there for them. They lean on me and i don't want to let anyone down. And i always worry if i am doing enough for them. Many of them are just lonely and need direction. i have always been the pillar in the family. Even when i was young my Aunt's and Uncles, cousins all counted on me to be there for them. And i was but i am finding it harder and harder to do now, when they need me most.
Thank you Obayan and kelcua for allowing me to vent.

[Jeanne]

Mudge, Welcome o the forums. We truely are glad that you are here. Everyone needs a soft spot to fall. This site is a good one.

You called yoursefl a pillar. Have you ever noticed that every pillar has a base or foundation that supports it? Even if you are the pillar for your family, you still need support for your self. You should not feel guilty or weak for needing it. Unfortunately, sometimes we have to go outside of our family for support. Do you have any "me" time, a place where you can go to recharge yourself, could be a church group, library reading club, girls night out with a close friend?

Maybe now is the time for you to also begin to share some of your responsibilities with other members of the family. I realize that you have been doing it for a long time. They might need to be straight out asked to help the next aged family member when the need arises. They might just assume that you will take care of everything and not realize that you need help too. Please ask someone if they can help with the next need. They could benefit from the experience as well.

Peace,

Jeanne

[mudget96]

Jeanne,
i don't have anywhere to go, no church group or anything like that. i go to work each day and come home and am so tired (my health is not that great...constant pain) i just sit. My husband is a good guy but not much of a talker. i think he listens but doesn't want to say the wrong thing. i actually talk to my son the most..he is 27 but i don't want to dump all this on him. He has his own struggles in life. My friends are all good people but they want to talk about them. They always tell me that i have "broad shoulders" and i will make it. They don't know how much i am hurting. And when i try to tell them that i am not as strong as they think they just chuckle.
i don't know how to get people to take me seriously. i don't know how to get others to help. The next ones in line don't see the importance of family like i do. i have several cousins that could help but one is just out for money and the other two are in and out of jail for drugs. There's just me left. Someone has to be responsible.
i'm just so tired, Jeanne.
Thanks Jeanne...i at least feel like i can come here...means a lot.

[Obayan]

I was like that too. It was my job to take care of everyone else while my own needs/wants were set aside. I learned I had to take care of myself first if I wanted to keep being able to take care of everyone else. I tried to talk, nobody would listen. I tried to tell them I'm falling apart, they just laugh. Everyone points out how smart I am and how strong I am but nobody wanted to see how much in pain i was. I had a nervous breakdown. I went into the hospital. When I came home, I told everyone, you will see me as I see myself or you won't be seeing me at all. Support me, or leave me alone. Either way, I won't tolerate being dismissed.

[Jeanne]

Mudge,

My heart breaks for you. When my sister was going through a nasty divorce, she and I talked every day about her struggles to raise her rebelling daughters and deal with a drug addicted ex-husband interferring. She would cry most days, just spilling her heart out. Our other siblings would say how strong she was and what a great job she did with the kids. I had to laugh inside each time I heard that. I knew the truth. You sound a lot like my sister. You have the whole world on your shoulders and nobody to help you. Wish I could come over and help you out.

Isn't it amazing how we accept everyone elses excuses for not helping. But we would never dream of accepting our excuse of exhaustion, or over burdened, or emotionally drained to not help out. I hope you don't get to the point of having a breakdown before you demand that they take you seriously and help out. Obayan is right. Please< please, please take care of yourself. You are precious too.

Jeanne

P.S. feel free to PM me if you ever want to.

[Obayan]

Sending a wam hug your way hon....

[mudget96]

Obayan,

Why can't people see how much pain we are in? i can see it when others are in pain. What makes us so different?

i'm glad to hear that you have finally found a way to make people give you the space you need. i'm sorry to hear that it took a nervous breakdown for things to change.

Something has made you stronger...i hope i can find that.

Thanks, Obayan

[Obayan]

Unless you have had great pain in your own life, you don't recognise it in others. It's something that is unfamiliar and unnoticed. However, those of us who have lived with it can recognize it easily a mile away. We are familiar with it. I think it also tends to make us more compassionate to those new to pain. They are lost and we want to help them find their way. At least, that's how it is for me.

As for being stronger, not at all. I fall apart just like everyone else. I cry. I feel. I ache. I have the same thoughts.... But I also recognise them for what they are. Depression. My condition doesn't define me. I define me. I decide what type person I am going to be. I decide what words I will allow to come from my mouth and what actions I allow my body to make. Nobody else. Me. I also take responsibility when I lose that control. I don't want to leave this world with regrets weighing heavily on me. So I don't create them to start with. I'm honest. I'm up front. A what ya see is what ya get kinda girl. But that doesn't mean I don't feel the same pain inside. And that's not strength. Not to me it isn't. Hell, I'm just too damn stuborn to give up.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

(((((((((((((( mudget96 ))))))))))))))))

Have found that if people don't live it, experience it, they are blind to it. Sad to say. Good thoughts and prayers for you.

Warmie

[DC_stephanie]

sounds exactly like me. i have people that love & care about me & sum good things going on for me but i have that hallow feelin when it comes to myself. i dont hate myself bt i dont love myself. its rele confusin but i sumwat understand u.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((( DC_stephanie ))))))))))))))

Understand what you said, feel the same.

Warmie

[darklight32]

The same things happening to me. But I don't lean onto other people. My family keeps it to themselves sometimes. If someones leaning on you then they are probably lost and need some direction. As a elder you teach, give leadership to your family. If your falling than the rest of your family falls. But it is hard when the family has hardened their hearts. I'd lessen the atmosphere and have some of that contagious happiness. Share.

That's my opinion. No one's listening to me. they choose to not hear. But first i have to some wisdom, get some experience. Just straight forward.