Dignity? Who Needs Dignity? ( Sigh! ) Triggering.

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Well, really lost it at work yesterday.....( Unfortunately, not for the first time...... )
I was trying to finish some work, that I wasn't really familiar with, to a deadline, while at the same time receiving what felt like rather nit-picking criticism, ( But, probably wasn't meant that way, to be fair. ), and I just felt completely overwhelmed, I just couldn't cope....I've been in this *!*!!?!!!!********* job for years and it's just NEVER felt that I'm fast enough, bright enough, know enough, been trained enough......I feel like I'm just always running from one hole in the dyke to another, always three steps, two minutes, four pages behind everyone else..... I just feel that my whole job has been one humiliating failure after another. Anyway, I just completely melted down? Blew up? I don't know? I mean Travis Bickle had nothing on me )
So, to cut a loooong, and EXTREMELY embarrassing story short.......my manager talked me out of going home and taking waaaaay more than the recomended dose of paracetamol. ( Well, he seemed very worried, and I like to oblige people when I can...... )
But, I'm really at a low ebb today, I felt sooooooo embarrassed going into work this morning and having to face everyone I made a complete exhibition of myself in front of yesterday. ( To be honest, I was standing outside the office door for a while this morning, debating whether to go in or walk away from the job entirely. As, it was three people came out of the office, so I had to go in, or it would have looked strange! )
I just don't know how to cope in this working environment. They're so obsessed with cutting staff and saving money, they're putting staff under more and more pressure to produce more and more work so they can cut
more staff.
The practical upshot is that I all-too-often feel like I'm slowly alternating between being thrown into the deep end and failing to handle the pressure, and then, ( When they realize that throwing me into the deep end miiight not have been a perfect idea? ) being treated like the " slow " kid who can't be trusted to do anything but sit in the back of the class with the safety-scissors and glitter. I'm not sure which I find most humiliating. I don't want to be kept in a jop just as a " charity case ", but I really think that whatever it is they want from me I'm just not capable of supplying. ( Or, is it vice versa? )
I'm not sure I can cope with feeling so humiliated and worthless.
I'm almost hoping to be made redundant. ( It's widely expected that there will be significant cuts in public expenditure after the coming General Election, and so redundancies among civil servants are widely predicted. )
To be honest, being able to finish this job, and walk away with a few pounds to tide me over until I could find something else, might well feel like close enough to a win for me at this moment.
I just don't understand why they can't use and appreciate what I CAN do for them, rather than just pushing me farther than I can cope with, which doesn't get them or me anywhere.
Sorry, venting.......

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((((Tacking))))))))))) BIG BIG BIG HUGS!

I dunno, I understand they are pushing more and more in the effort to cut, but is it also possible that they push someone like you more and more because you are more talented and capable than you think and they see more potential in you? You mentioned your reviews have been satisfactory (which I suspect you are being humble, I bet they were pretty darn good), you have a college degree and are bright and humorous (therefore probably liked by your colleagues)...I would bet that you are a dilligent, hard worker who doesn't take tasks lightly...(others if faced with being overwhelmed just do a half-a##ed job)

I know how hard it must be from when I was working...its often like pouring gasoline on the fire of our mental illness. Very, very proud of you for going back despite the feeling of humiliation...although I suspect your blow up was totally provoked and under the same circumstances someone without mental illness may have been pushed over the edge too.

So sorry that you had such a bad experience and they are putting to much on you and others...so much that you have had to go on strike twice, so its not your imagination that your employers are out of line, its recognized widely among co-workers too. You know what, when you had your blow up I bet some were secretly cheering you and hoping you might do something drastic because they have felt every bit as frustrated and angry and upset....but despite the meltdown, you didn't do anything drastic, you exercised enough self-control not to hurt someone, including yourself. I am so proud of you for that. Many of us when pushed to the edge either hurt others or ourselves. You wanted to, but you didn't. You have more strength than you realize. You deserve better, and so do your co-workers, than what they are dishing out. So try not to feel too bad about the meltdown, it would have happened to any one of us and many without mental illness if pushed too far. You've heard the U.S. saying going postal? Where people freak out and go hurt their co-workers and such, even ones with no previous sign of mental illness? You didn't do that, you blew up, melted down, but now are calm and do show a QUIET DIGNITY and SELF-RESPECT in going back and not hurting yourself or anyone else.

For what its worth, I send my love and good thoughts and wishes of peace, serenity, calming soothing basking beautiful light...

[Mich]

((((((Tacking)))))) I'm so sorry that sounds like a very horrible day. I am so glad that you did not take any paracetamol as that is so, so dangerous. Thank goodness you are safe.
I agree with everything (((((shattered))))) said....and I definitely can't say it any better! When I was working, I also had incidents like that so I know how you felt the day after. I applaud you for not hiding and going back in. That took real strength and courage.
I am worried about you. Please keep talking to us and know that you are loved and supported here.

[lisalou]

you're very brave to go back. I think everyone needs a bit of a 'blow up' now and again, especially as,as you say,you are generally quite a reserved person. do you have anyone at work that you're friends with and can talk to about these problems?

one small light at the end of the tunnel....

Doctor Who.......!

Coming very very soon!

Take care of yourself until the doctor does

Hugs, Lisa xx

[mamasam]

Hi (((((taking)))). SO very nice to meet you, even if it's on a stressful day. I have to agree with ((((shattered)))) she is so right! and with ((((Lisa)))) about the everyone needs a bit of blowing up! You are NOT a doormat, therefore you should not let them continuously step on you!

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Thanks a billion for the support (((( shatteredhopes, Mich, lisalou & mamasam ))))!!!! ( Nice to meet you too, mamasam! )
Actually, I did have quite a helpful conversation with one of the office managers today, she took me aside and we had a quiet chat about how I was after having such a bad day on Monday.
She did appreciate that I was low in self-confidence, and that what had happened on Monday had knocked my self-confidence back even further.
But she did say that she trusted me, and that I was quite intelligent. ( In her precise words: " You have a brain the size of a planet. " )
This was really nice, but I'm a little more dubious about my capabilties and potential. Which let to a somewhat surreal interlude whereby she was talking about my intelligence, ability to learn the job, and her confidence in me, while I was explaining how doubtful I felt about the job, the possibility that she was overestimating my intelligence because I'm a graduate, and how I didn't have confidence in myself.........
Anyway, she was, overall, very encouraging and reassuring, and ended up by telling me in as many words that I hadn't failed at the job. ( And, as my counsellor yesterday evening was telling me to " hear the positive " about myself, I took what the manager said on board, and so feel better about myself today than I have for the past couple of days. And, I've been able to ease my way back into the " office culture " today.
Fortunately, the people I work with are, in the great majority, really nice and supportive, so I'm in the process of rather shamefacedly getting back into the work, gossip, etc of the office.
Ironically, (((( lisalou )))), there are two people in this office who also experience depression, but they are both off on sick leave, one with depression and one with back problems. Actually, I'm quite worried about the one woman who suffers from depression, her depression is worse than mine, and she hasn't really been in touch with the managers, ( Other than the bare minimum of contact to comply with the department's rules on sickness absence, and so continue to be paid ), and when the managers have tried calling her she hasn't been answering her 'phone. It may well be that she is in more touch with the managers than is apparent to me, but silence and apparent self-isolation isn't a good sign for us depressives, is it?
Still, as (((( lisalou )))) says only 3 days and 56 minutes until a new Doctor Who ( Matt Smith ), a new Doctor Who companion Amy Pond, ( Karen Gillan ), and a new Doctor Who Executive Producer ( Steven Moffatt )
A friend of my has just bought a flat of his own, so a few of us are meeting there to watch the first new episode, in a combination housewarming/Doctor Who party.
Take care of yourselves (((( All ))))!!!!

[crystalgaze]

Hello Tacking! Oh my Tacking.... So good to see you!!!!

((((((((((((((( huggles )))))))))))))))))))))

~lol~ Alright....

So sorry to hear about what happened.... I am going to say something to you, since everyone else got to comforting you before I could....

Here it is:

Do you think that you may want to start looking into working somewhere else?!

You don't have to jump at anything right away, but from how things are sounding, it may be a matter of time before more people are cut.... I am going to ask you to try to plan ahead, alright?

& you are, indeed, very bright! Just do your best, alright!!! & if that's not enough for them, then TOUGH COOKIE (for them)!

If you can plan ahead so that the target dates are not as stressful, please do so!

Thinking of you & lots of love!

[TackingIntoTheWind]

Thanks hugely for the support and kind words (((( Warmie ))))!!!!
To be honest, I have thought deeply about working somewhere else, and have indeed applied for one or two jobs from time to time. ( Although, not in the last couple of years, when my emotional/physical health has rather got in the way of a lot of things that I would have liked to have done. )
However, I'm not really sure that that is a practical idea in the present economic climate. Sigh! ( You might want to skip the rest of this post, as I go into " National Geographic: Cultures Of The World " mode, sorry! )
The UK as a whole is teetering on the edge of a further deeper recession, what the economists refer to as a " double dip " recession. The last economic figures available show the UK economy growing at 0.04%. And, that's WITH the government's economic stimulus package.......
The Welsh economy lags even further behind the UK economy as a whole. EG: In my area our Borders bookshop has closed when all of Borders UK went broke, David Morgan's department store that was trading here since the 1880's went bust, Two branches of Woolworths went broke when the vast majority of Wooolworths stores in the UK went under....
So, finding a private sector job, ( Note for our US and international cousins: In the UK jobs are often described as divided between " public sector jobs ", where people are employed by central or local government, and " private sector jobs ", which is.... everything else. I don't know if these precise terms are used everywhere in the world? ) would be only marginally easier than finding an honest politician!
Also a LOT of jobs in South Wales are dependent on the public sector. And, moving from one government department to another, or from central to local government , would in all probability just be like re-arranging the deckchairs on the boatdeck of the sinking Titanic!
If I was to be made redundant from my present job, at least I would get a small redundancy settlement to tide me over for a while. If I was to get a job somewhere else and lose it, I would get no redundancy settlement at all. And even if I was to move to another part of central or local government, I would be still be facing everything that makes my present job so difficult, job cuts, budget cuts, lack of resources, and people who just don't understand my romantic obsession with Hilary Clinton. ( Only kidding about the last point, honest )
Also, most of the people are really supportive where I am. Going to a new job where I would be " Johnny No-Mates " would be a leap in the dark.
So, I've concluded I have only one sensible career-option. I'm becoming an " alternative male-stripper. " ( A conventional male-stripper starts off on stage clothed, and women pay him to take his clothes off. As an alternative male-stripper, I would go on stage naked, and women would pay me a fortune to put my clothes back on as quickly as possible!!!! Don't worry, I'm only kidding!!!! Although, I'm afraid that that image may stay with you for a while, sorry!!!! )
Seriously though folks, thanks for all the support!!!! Be well (((( All ))))

[Mich]

((((((Tacking)))))) I am glad you were able to have a nice talk with the supervisor. I certainly believe her when she says your brain is the size of a planet...you are incredibly intelligent and I am sure you are a huge asset to your organization (in this case, the government). It's also nice to read that people are supportive. You are such a nice person that I am not surprised that they are kind and supportive to you. I hope that someday you will be able to acknowledge your good traits and have confidence in yourself. Take care and be well, Mich.