Suicide for company /poss trigger

[xn728]

Ok my dear freinds ,the last couple of days ive had some strange thoughts and feelings ,,the first was the day i felt so alone and sad ,,the next day
i awoke and my parents were in my thoughts ,the way i had wrecked all
they had including there lives ,tormented me all day ,,today i awoke feeling a little low ,but not to bad ,i was working in the shop today ,we did
not have many customers so it was boring ,,slowly but surely i began to
feel my state of mind diminish throught the day ,,i felt like screeming in my head ,then the awful blackness covered me ,and i felt like i didnt belong anymore ,i stared out of the shop window ,and there were no people or cars ,everything had gone ,i turned around ,the shop was empty ,cold and dark ,turning back to the window nothing moved ,indeed
i felt so alone ,the cold feeling of suicide had touched me ,once more,not
for a long time have i felt like this ,a feeling so intense i could reach out and feel its presance in the very air around me ,the pit of my stomach was knotted ,and i felt great abandonment ,i have enough tablets here at home to stop an elephant ,but my life is not mine to take ,and the visitor knows this ,but the pain of feeling like suicide is torment enough ,the loneliness i feel just now is indescribable ,i must go to russ and lay with him ,i will hold him tight in that dark qiuet place were he lives ,and hope this feeling has gone upon waking in the morning ,,im sorry to talk this way but i need to say how i feel ,,you know my feelings on this subject even at time when i feel yppah the darkness is allways with me ,i can laugh and smile ,but can never rest easy ,because like today ,i can go from feeling happy ,to wishing for death within hours ,the pain is not from having to live ,its from never knowing what your going to feel from one minute to the next
i love my family without reserve ,,but they are my only reason for living
my life is still a torment ,and if the choice were mine ,i would happily end my time on this earth ,,, bless you all my dear freinds ,,,,,,,,,hugs ken xx
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,GOODNIGHT
_________________

[Mich]

*hugs* I am happy to hear you say that your life is not yours to take. Hang on to that thought. Through all the pain, remember Fran and the girls and their love for you and their devastation should anything happen to you. Remember your friends here and how badly we want to prop you up and get you through this terrible time. You are loved by people all over the world. I know how difficult this night might be for you because I understand this torture, I really do. Hang on. Nurture that child within and hang on.

[crybaby1086]

((((Ken)))) I'm so sorry to hear the news that you are feeling down today. Perhaps when you are working and it is slow you should haveing something planned for yourself to do so your mind dosen't have a chance to wander. I am thinking about you and sending you much positive energy. Robyn

[xn728]

ITS OK YOU TOO my kind caring freinds ,,you know i wont hurt myself ,,
but im having lots of strange feelings just lately ,,and i just need to talk about them ,,,,i told yo before ,,i may bend but i wont break ,,i have to so to live for ,,((((((mich crybaby ))))),,,hugs to you all ,,,see you later
feeling a little better ,,,,,hugs ken xxx

[crystalgaze]

I am glad that you would come on the forum & tell us how you are feeling! That is good! There is an outlet!

I felt similarly just the other day too! I know how it is....

((((((((((Ken))))))))))))))

We will fight on!

[xn728]

thanks onika ,,its nice to hear warm words from you ,,i know you know these feelings too ,,i would as i think you know never carry them out but the feeling are terrible and hard to cope with ,,,as i say good to hear you hope your doing ok ,,,,im on my way to work in a bout 15 mins ,,,,,
hey you should be asleep now lol ,,,see you later onika ,,,,hugs ken xxxx

[xn728]

HI YOU GUYS i hope your all doing ok ,,,just letting you know i feel a little better today ,still feel very low ,,but the bad thoughts ,are ebbing a little ,,
its terrible when all you can think of is death ,it make you cold inside ..
and know matter how hard i try i cant shake the fears out of my head
dont worry ,,you all know me ,,and it will pass ,,hope to speak to you soon my dear freinds ,,stay safe and strong ,,,,my thoughts are always with you ,,hugs ken xxxx

[Mich]

Glad to hear you a feeling a little better today. I hope the improving trend continues for you and you can banish all thoughts of death. You are right...those thoughts are terrible.

[xn728]

THANKS SO MUCH MICH MY DEAR FREIND ,,its sooooo nice to hear freom you ,ive just posted you to say hello ,,lol i do feel better today not great
but a lot better ,,dont ever worry when i post these things ,,i would never hurt myself ,,but it helps to let them out ,,,,i hope your doing alright my freind ,,its been raining here ,and the shop has been very quiet ,,i think
being bored in there dont help me ,,the time drags so slowly ,,and my
mind starts to go into meltdown ,,,i may have to look for something else ,
i need to be busy ,,boredem is my worse, enemy ,,,and i dont need any more enemys ,,ok mich thanks for talking to me ,,,see you soon take care
ans stay safe ,,hugs ken xxx

[xn728]

ok ,im feeling much better now ,,ive been home for about 3 hrs now ,,
fran made a lovely tea ,,im sat in bed now listening to the rock show on the radio ,,,i have king of queens on the tv with the volume turned down
its still funny though lol,,i think the shop work is not suiting me ,,the long bouts of bordem are doing me no good ,,i may have to look around for
something that keeps me busy ,,the visitor can soon take hold ,if my mind becomes empty ,,the visitor is cunning it will quickly fill it with bad
thoughts and nasty little demons ,,ive played this game a long time ,but
im still easily fooled ,,,the darkness knows it cant kill me ,but it can hurt
me a great deal ,,,,so im looking forward to taking fran out shopping
tommorrow ,,and im feeling ok oh and i must add ,i have a few fruit shrewsbury biscuts and half a tin of quality street lol.Seriously Thanks for your concern my dear freinds
youve always been here for me ,,i hope i can continue to do the same for you all ,,just call out ,,,,hugs ken xxxx

[xn728]

OK TODAY hasnt turned out as well as i wanted ,,i feel ok ,no suicide thoughts in my head ,,but i do feel rather dispondent ,,i can be bothered with anyone or anything ,we did go into town today and fran had a nice time again , ,,,i bought some converse sneakers but even they have not cheered me up ,,i found myself laying around on the settee a lot over the last to days ,,that a bad siqn ,,,,but strangley enough i do still have my yppah ,,and in beetween feeling crap ,ive made fran laugh a lot these last couple of days ,,,this is the inner me fighting to stay out of trouble ,,,but like i say donrt worry about good old ken ,,i,ll bounce back this is merely the visitor playing with my emotions,,,i miss you all while it quiet here ,,and im so happy warmsoul is ok ,,cant wait till shes back ,,,,
altough i think it will be a few days yet ,,,,take it easy girl ,,,hugs ken xxx

[crybaby1086]

Hey Ken, Sorry I haven't been around much lately. Been a little tied up with my own things (but all good, very happy). Keep fighting and a new job sounds exciting. I think bordem is all our biggest enemy, too much time to think. But spring is not too far off now and time to start planning the new gardens. It is something I am very much looking forward too this year Robyn

[Mich]

You have been quiet for awhile. It's not the same around here when you are gone. I hope you will feel like coming back soon. All your friends here await your return.

[shatteredhopes]

((((((((((((ken)))))))))))) brother just wanting you to know I am thinking of you and missing you around here...I have those suicidal thoughts a lot lately, but am fighting to hang on so as not to hurt my mom....you have a dear family at home and as others said a family all around the world on this forum who care deeply about you...so take care of yourself and comfort yourself through the crisis as best you can...

Hoping you are okay and wishing you light and peace...

[Misty]

((((Ken))))
Our internal throttles tend to stick at times that prevents us from moving forward. Sometimes it needs to get warmed up (by good thoughts or a small daily accomplishment) and other times it takes a squirt of lubricant (true reality check) to loosen it up. Sorry about the analogy but i have my own weird thoughts and impressions when i'm inbetween the stuck/unstuck cycle.

At least we have our family here to talk to and that means alot.

Be the Best We Can Each Day,
Misty