DESTRUCTIVE URGE

[xn728]

I FEEL LIKE I WANT TO DESTROY EVERY THING I STAND FOR ,THE KIND
WORDS I WRITE ,MY STANDING AS THE PERSON YOU KNOW ME AS ,FAIR ,CAREING ,HELPFUL ,I WANT TO TEAR IT DOWN ,SHOW YOU THE DARK SIDE THAT DWELLS INSIDE ME ,ALL I HAVE IS IN HERE
YET IT NOW BECOMES A TARGET ,TO TURN IT ROUND AND HURT MYSELF WITH IT ,AND YOU ALL ,I HIT MY HEAD SO HARD TODAY AGAINST THE WALL ,ALL I COULD SEE WAS SPARKLY THINGS IN FRONT OF MY EYES,
I HAVE BASEBALL CAP ON SINCE THEN TO HIDE THE LUMP ,BUT I CANT WEAR IT IN BED ,AND FRAN WILL SEE IT ,IVE LOST 7 POUND IN WEIGHT ,I ONLY WIEGH 10,STONE 11,ANYWAY SO ITS SHOWS A LOT
IT WAS ONLY BY ACCIDENT I FOUND OUT THAT WHEN I WAS ABOUT 1YR
Old I HAD TO HAVE HAVE MY INTESTINE AND SMALL STOMACH TAKEN OUT ,THATS WHY I HAVE TO FORCE MYSELF TO EAT ,AS WHEN I GET FULL ITS PAINFUL ,THANKS FOR TELLING ME ,,,NOT ,,, MAM AND DAD
CANT SLEEP ,THAT WHY I ADDED THIS ,,,,,BYE XN728

ANYWAY JUST THOUGHT I WOULD PUT IT HERE ,XN728,,,,,

[lisalou]

wow, that is a major operation, can't believe they didn't tell you that. everyone has a dark side but i think your good side far outweighs that

[xn728]

yes bad ,no wonder im screwed up ,bad scar to ,,must have been done by dr frankenstein , i was stunt double for the sewn up bodies in the film gheepers creepers,,,,,,,,,,ken ,,,,feel better soon lisa

[xn728]

i feel empty and cold now ,im wondering around the house and garden ,like a lost soul ,frightened of what i might do ,my happy is still here ,but something hurts very much ,i just want to lay down and close my eyes ,i cant though it would raise alarm with my family ,so suddenly it comes and take us ,but the anger i felt makes me do silly things ,so i must be careful i dont hurt anyone in here ken

[Mich]

I can't imagine you hurting anyone else but I do worry that you will hurt yourself again. Is there anything you can do to distract yourself from this urge? Listen to your fave music? Play with your ferrets?

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i feel deeply disturbed at present and nothing is doing any good ,i wiill have to take tranks and lay down soon ,be safe mich ,,,,,,ken

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ok it 12.io pm here ive treid to pick up but its not gonna happen ,maybe its the tranks ive taken recently ,ive had these years and only had to take one now and then .this week ive had six ,and im gonna down 2 more when i leave hear ,i dont care just now ,the shit i have had thrown at me this passed week has been to much ,you all bestrong now ,im making this a log ,out of the way here ,a bit private i think ,

[shatteredhopes]

Please change that one word...I would hate for you to get banned from the site...you said it was your last resort...you are one of the few ones who has responded to my posts and cared enough to offer support.

I appreciate that, more than you could know.

[xn728]

the little yellows are working ,im not better but i cant see the pain throuh the haze now ,like a little secret drunk ,i feel like ive let my self down now
,i should just wait till this has passed ,to late i think like im a seedy little sneak ,looking for comfort in little bottles ,,,,,,s/hopes what word !,,there are others who will talk to you soon enough ,,,,,i dont understand what word ,,i get up again soon its part of my life ,i dont look for salvation ,
just to be able to speak the way i do ,,,,,ken xn728

[xn728]

ok the anger has gone ,im not happy with my self for taking the tranks ,i feel dirty and ive let myself down ,im stuck in the house ,i dont like that ,its boring and i dont like it ,i start to think bad things ,
ive got this far and had to stop ,my mother in law has just walked in the door crying because she dont feel we,ll i cant believe this ,i feel like just ,giving up ,i was just starting to feel better ,you see now ,why bother
ill just lay down ,its not far to be pushed back down then is it
,ken

[xn728]

i miss you all when your not here ,i feel alone ,and hopeless,im strong for you all ,but when i realise ,no,one is here i feel weak and vunerable to attack ,im calmer now though ,i to hurt you know ,altough i dont seek
soothing words ,its second nature to me to feel dark and see things ,but i like giving so much ,to ease someones pain is a privalige ,i always try to be meaning ful ,and be interested,ive had these feelings for 43 years so i understand most of the pain ,thats a long time isnt it ,to be like this ,i wonder how many more years are to pass ,will i get worse ,cant see that really ,i have visions now ,talk to myself ,have the visitor ,can it get worse ,maybe i should play cards with the visitor winner takes all
now that would be a game ,,just thinking thats all ,,,,,,,ken xn728

[Mich]

Don't beat yourself up for taking the tranks. You needed something to calm you down and other methods were not working. You are not alone. I am here today and listening to what you are saying. You have suffered a long time and if there was any way I could take away even one minute of that suffering, I would. I hope you check back in today.

[xn728]

kind words mich ,but i feel ,well it hurts ,and im fast losing interest,
the very things that i feel so strongly about ,are breaking me down .im at a crossroads ,and i cant be bothered to choose a direction any more
i just want the visitor to take me were it wants ,i dont care ,,i hope you find what your looking for mich ,you are growing stronger ,good mich
,,,,,ken

[lisalou]

dear ken i'm sorry you are having such an awful day and struggling with these unbearable feelings but never give up and give in to the visitor, you are much stronger than it is and have too many things that you love about this world, fran, shelley, bridget, your ferrets, your music, airplanes,the wild joy of the wind and rain, the beautiful snow and calm of the winter coming that you so love and all your friends here

lisa xxx

[xn728]

i put so much in to what i do ,i dont care now ,i belong in the dark ,im only happy when im there ,when im bad and look into the dark i see nothing ,i have to go now ,something waits ,,,,,,,strong lisa,strong