Depression Understood Forums

That last episode I had about 3 to 4 days ago (in combination with being sick)....
[center]It was something else....[/center]

I might really have to consider taking some medicine....


I haven't had 1 like it in a long time.... I didn't realize how bad it was, until today... Ultimately in my head, it still wasn't that bad, but then again, I think it really might have been....

See now, I'm going in circles...!

I guess this makes it close to 3 months since the last episode.

I've since had another 1, just yesterday.

There is something I will have to do that I half dread doing & it's breaking my silence.

It's probably now or never.... I do not really wish to show myself to my current partner (at least not yet), but I'm not sure when would be a good time at all or if I'd ever really want to do so. (We do not ever really talk about any thing too serious. I'm not really sure how that would work out exactly. )

We are a bit similar....We both attempted S at some point in our lives. Two great peas in a pod, right? (That's sarcasm, by the way....)

I would probably have to tell him every thing or it won't make sense & ultimately be pointless. I am not afraid of being discarded. (Truly, that is the least of my worries....)

I am hesitant to even open my mouth. You see, I do not ever really reveal myself--the depressed self, the hurt self, the complex self (Who has time with that any way?), &/or the frightened self--to any one, not even myself. My "selves" frighten the crap out of me. It's not the vulnerability per se, but what they actually are.... They're some beasts, & I do not want to invoke them, awaken them, provoke them or any thing like that....

Perhaps nothing will happen.... I believe I will try to muster the strength to tell my partner. Either we will grow or break. It's not a big deal. I think my greatest reason for hesitation is being shut down from what I want to express. I have almost always been shut down almost every time I ever decided to discuss any thing major in the past--even as recent as this morning. I don't know if it will be the same, but I won't know, unless I give it a go.

I remember when we first started "dating" or whatever it is we're doing, I told my partner I was crazy & he said, "No, you're not." I just laughed & said, "Okay, if you say so." but also thought to myself, "You have been forewarned."

When I say crazy, still I truly don't know for sure. However, based on my thoughts & behavior, something doesn't quite look right & that's what I consider when I say that I am. Truly, it is not because I want to be.

I've downplayed it as "being me"....

It's okay, though; I will find a way, but for now, I have to go chase that obnoxious rooster off my lawn!!!

Partner? Man? Did I miss a post somewhere? Spill
Get the hose and turn it on the rooster

((((((((((Crystal))))))))) you will tell him when you are ready. We are all here for you when you do.

~lol~ Crybaby... Yes... A man... He's pretty quirky like me.... I consider it a strange relationship because for as much as I've looked at it, myself & him, I STILL cannot understand why I like him or why I'm even attracted to him....

It makes sense & then it doesn't....

(It's not me to lust after people.... so not having an answer is puzzling to me but I am rolling with it for now... I do try to have quality relationships; those are pretty important to me....)

I am still very bashful/shy around him..... & he's always asks me what is it & why....

It will be going on about 3 months soon.... It was a little tumultous in the beginning.... The relationship actually ended somewhat at 1 point, so I could get my head & feelings together & then we started over & began anew.... We actually did reintroduce ourselves to each other, like we hadn't met before ever. "Hi, my name is _______. What's yours? It's nice to meet you."

He's the 1st "ex" I actually wanted to be around after the break. (I felt things were moving a bit too fast & ran in the next direction for a while. I'm a bit of a scaredy cat & get frightened pretty easily, although I don't look it.)

Regardless of what I tried, I couldn't just forget about him, so I decided to try it again, even with all my misgivings about doing so.... So far so good; I ended up being pretty happy, even if it's for just a moment....
_____________

All right, so this morning I try to start working on what B told me.... & so I give him a call because I'm woke up & don't really want to go back to sleep at the moment. I wanted to leave a voicemail, but he actually answers the phone but was virtually asleep.

It was so funny!!! In my head, I rofl-ed & lmao-ed.... I muttered to myself, "So much for that...."

Right now is like Power Lunch for me.... (but I really need to go back to bed.... I called my parents & even they were asleep... That's when you know it's bad.)

I understood my lack of expression more.... Part of it is not wanting to be vulnerable... The other good chunk of it is that B is here, there & everywhere.... Literally... He's almost always busy doing something & hardly ever sits still, even when he's sick....

Guy had a cold that developed into bronchitis because he wouldn't sit still.... I just shook my head.... ~lol~ He only cooled out after it got really bad, which to me is silly but oh well....

So properly... It's not wanting wear my feelings on my sleeve when I know he's all over the place. I just don't want to feel disappointed or too "needy", etc....

At 1 point, I felt he would be too busy to even be bothered with me. In some ways, I still feel that way, which is why even in the middle of a crisis or a break, I will still try to deal with it myself.... He does make time for me & us, though, so I don't think I really have to worry about it too much.

He has been trying to drag me out more, which is pretty funny.... ~lol~ One time, I was driving on the road, like I usually am, & he just called me up + said that he was wherever. I was nearby, so I went there. Next thing I know he says "Come spend some time with me...." & well, I wasn't dressed comfortably enough for me to be around people--especially people who will seriously scrutinize me (his cousins, etc.).

It was hilarious because before I passed by, he asked me if I had on "clothes".... Well, I wouldn't drive naked per se, but sometimes I'll go driving in my PJs or T-shirt & boxers or shirt, pants + flip flops, like nothing too spiffy, etc. (if I know I'm not getting out of the car)....

I might try to go to a dance with him.... I haven't gone dancing in a while... Maybe some quadrille or something....
____________________

I can tell that something I couldn't say earlier or yesterday I think it was... B talks about children a lot & me having one or more.... I do not want any, & he has his own, so I don't have to worry about him breathing hard on me for any. (I'm so relieved....)

However, the other day I did freak out because I thought I might be pregnant, even though I do use preventive measures, which of course we all know cannot ensure 100% prevention. My period is almost always strange, though, so I will just keep monitoring it.

I am so eager to land a job, work & start saving, so I can have my sterilization procedure & not have to worry about it ever again or at least not as much....

IM SURE EVERYTHING WILL BECOME CLEAR TO YOU SOON ONIKA i cant really say much here apart from im happy about your man ,,if he,s quirky
like you/ you should get on great ,,i think your worrying a little to much
I LOVE THE WAY your so open on here ,and your posts always give me a lift because you explain them so well ,,and i do connect with all of them
NOW I MUST BE REALLY SERIOUS ,,,,,GO TO BED AND GET SOME SLEEP
YOUR DAY IS ENDING ,,AND MINE IS JUST STARTING ,, PS IVE HAD A GREAT IDEA ,,,ILL GO TO BED YOU GO TO WORK FOR ME LOL ,,,HUGS
KEN (((((ONIKA ))))),,,,,,,,XXX

~lol~ "I'll go to bed; you go to work!" That was priceless!

Thanks Ken! ((((((((((((( Ken )))))))))))))))

That last episode really threw me for a loop!

It was dot related... I should know by now that just about every time I freak out, it's something to do with the menses... ~facepalm~

It was SO bad! Yikes! ~whisper~ but I am going to the doctor today for it, even though it came....