Thoughts on "Recovery"

[crystalgaze]

I had this idea for a thread.... It's in no particular order. All input is welcome. Continue! I will put more later, if I think of any more....

Some things I've encountered while trying to "recover" from depression are:

1. It doesn't seem to work out when I "cry about it" every day. (What I mean is: I didn't seem to get better when I had a "the sky is falling" approach every day. I'm not saying there aren't any not-so-good days.)

2. Lots of patience is required.

3. I couldn't possibly expect to get better in one day or even 1 month, although most of the time, that was what I wanted. It was as though I separated into 2 parts sometimes & shouted at my other self, "Why haven't I recovered yet?!"

4. "Recovering" might very well require a shift/change in one's mindset, which doesn't happen overnight. Are you willing to work at it?

5. There are degrees of recovery & I often was not happy with my "recovery" progress, but beating myself up did not help.

6. I don't know if this were a good thing or what, but I stopped expecting & wanting people--including my loved ones--to care or to understand & was much better off for it. (Of course, that doesn't mean you accept people being unkind to you; it's just that well I think a lot of our family members + loved ones are NOT trained psychologists/psychiatrists....)

It's often touch & go + I often don't know what to think.... Do I want them to treat me like an invalid or like I'm helpless? I mean: Will that perpetuate my sickness into infinity instead?

A lot of people are just not able to see another person's vantage point, until they have truly & utterly walked the same path or in that person's shoes. Until then, I believed that they weren't going to possibly understand & that's why forums like this one are VERY important.

I don't need my family to understand because I have people here who know all too well what I have experienced.



7. I've heard a lot of people say depression is like having a broken leg. Well, I'm going to disagree a little & the reason is that an external source usually will NOT cure depression. External sources, such as medicine & so on, can ALLEVIATE at best, but somewhere in there, there is a point where you must face yourself & whatever that haunts you, if you are to have a chance at improving.

Even then, facing your demons may not work out the way you want it to exactly. In the end, you'll have to win somehow & oftentimes, there is no exact formula for it.

With a broken leg, it's pretty much the same approach/formula applied each time (as far as I understand it)....


8. I underestimated myself a lot of times. You are NOT to underestimate yourself or doubt yourself for that matter. Why? Every day I thought I would die, I did not die. Every time I thought I would break, I did not break. It is very amazing what you can withstand, but I think a little of it is belief & practice (having a plan for what you will do/not do, when you feel like you will break).

9. Loving myself & putting myself first was extremely crucial. A lot of people/talk shows say love yourself, but what does that really mean? Really?

It's hard to describe. For me, it is the one thing/constant in my life that transcends every thing. It's like being the sole source of life in my own little galaxy some place. Imagine if your body were like a galaxy with life & death & many different components with each having a role. That's how it strikes me.

In every thing you do, if you love yourself, it will work (I think). What I mean is make sure to take time for yourself. It's absolutely necessary, even when you may think it isn't.

10. I know I have been having to drop quite a bit of my unhealthy habits, in order to function. I had to drop low self-esteeming, thinking I was ugly or too fat & some other things, such as sleeping late, sleeping in the day, sleeping to escape & escapism, in general, etc.... If it's not working/helping, I had to just pick it up & get rid of it/stop doing it, which came in phases.

11. Little things can help tremendously. I went to the dentist the other day & got my teeth cleaned & I feel like a new person (almost).... I scrubbed my feet & I felt some cobwebs + fog lift.... I cut my nails the other day & while they're not perfect, I did cut them....

Some self-pampering might just do some wonders.

I make sure to shower at least once every other day, so as to not fall back into a deep depression. When I can't sleep, I still wake up early any way....

[xn728]

hi crstal, i came on here to write a story ,i have thought over the last couple of days about ,we,ll things said to me ,i know i will not get better ,but i can make things beeter for myself ,i have relised that i give myself totally to everybody ,and when everbody else is ok and occupied ,im left standing on duty ,i must give myself some time ,my time
watch a dvd or listen to some music ,i must try this ,and i,ll keep posting about the results ,does this fit in,do you think ,,xn728 ken

[Mich]

Good post Crystal! Lots for me to think about here. I think I really need to let go of this notion that people need to "understand" what it's like for me.

[crystalgaze]

Yes Ken! I think that fits! Try it out & post your results, if you feel like it. Take some time for you!

You know, it's sort of like you have to ask yourself (when you're taking care of every body else), would they want you to do it to such a point that it causes extreme pain to you or is detrimental to you?

A lot of people don't want that for their loved ones....

Being left standing on duty--& continuing to stand so tensely all the time--can just make you tired.... Take a minute, you know you can still sit in that 1 spot & still be able to run & jump the fence + come to the rescue, if you need to at any time...


For Mich... We all want to be understood & who better than our loved ones? It's probably NOT that they don't care. It might very well be they don't know what to do to help you. They want to help but can't think of any thing or what to say. A lot of times, it's NOT that they love you any less.

I remember my Dad one time said to me... He really just came out & said..."Oh, what do I do? If I say 'chin up', will it be taken the wrong way? Maybe you'll think I'm being pushy or insensitive?" & we both ended up crying that day....

If you need hugs, go hug your children & hug your husband OFTEN. For what we can't say with words, a hug or 2 or 3 & a kiss might be able to express the rest. It's probably always great if your kids come & hug you first, but sometimes, just a little routine can help start the day off right, etc.

I just don't want you to check yourself into the clinic/hospital without saying some of this here on the forum. I was in one that was not voluntary & it did help.

This little lady would do these workshops about loving yourself & journaling & adopting positive things to help ease the pain/change the negative.

(Have you tried a support group by the way?)

If you still want to go to one, it's okay. It can do you some good & a break from every thing can help just the same.

Unfortunately for me & the rest of the patients in that section of the hospital, the staff didn't treat us well in there (somewhere in Indiana, USA). Maybe things are different where you live. I hope so!

We were often made to feel sub-human & "crazy" by their attitudes + behaviors toward us. Don't let any body label you or make you feel less/lacking or not worthy!

I am not discouraging you. It's just a message to make sure you stay alert, so you don't feel victimized about the whole thing in the end.... I did for a while & then I had to just let that go (because it wasn't helping & there wasn't any thing I could really do about it).

You can do great things! I believe we all can. All of us has some amazing special ability--whether we see it at the moment or we don't. There's something really special about all of us....

Look how good we are with our expression!

My one very special friend gave me this gift of positivity.... She's sick very badly, but she has not lost hope. I haven't lost hope for her either. She sounded so upbeat the other day. One day when we were talking a few months ago, she asked why must we suffer & said that we didn't have to suffer.

& yeah, I'll admit it for myself.... Some of my suffering really was my own doing. It wasn't on purpose, but because I didn't have a particular mindset, I didn't see that I could change my state. I didn't see a lot of things...

I'm going to take the example of weight for myself. I felt bad about my weight & low self-esteemed about it for a good while... but the thing about it was I never did any thing really to address the issue. I just cried for a while. I'm not going to lose my body fat & tone up, if I don't DO something that will produce results (like changing my diet, physical exercise, dance, play volleyball, etc.).

Also, there are other people in the world with far more of a weight problem than what I currently have to deal with. It's still going to be a challenge, but while I'm sitting & crying, I better be thinking of a plan to change my state. You see what I mean?

As harsh as it is, people aren't going to want to hear any thing I have to say, when they know for a fact that "I'm not serious" because I haven't done any thing..... They won't really be willing to help me or even bother with me for that matter.... & do I want to isolate myself any more than I already am? No!

It takes a little bit of effort, but once you've got the ball rolling, who knows where it will go! Yes, you can actually control it, but really you have to believe it long enough & act (do) to see any real change.

You take that little bit of belief even if it is a drop & make it into a great well or pond or stream (whichever one you fancy) to sustain you.

We can do it!

Lots of love + best wishes to you both!

(((((Mich)))) + ((((Ken))))

[xn728]

hey ,no group at the moment but im gonna give it a real try ,i know there will be ups and down ,but ive had loads of that ,dont worry it does not bother me what anyone thinks of me ,i open my skin up oon here to show how it works inside ,so i cant be hurt that way ,i keep posting as the days progress good our bad ,,,nice reply ,,thanks xn728 ken

[crystalgaze]

12. "Recovery" can sometimes call for being by yourself so you can find yourself, take off your shackles, release your burdens, & catch yourself (as much as being by yourself can hurt in itself).

(That was too many selves up there.... Yikes!)

Explanation: When I was with my ex-boyfriend before the last 1, I found I was unable to recover because I always had someone to cry to, in the worst possible scenario.

& yes, I almost always "cried/complained/whined" about something & nothing was ever enough or satisfactory. Now, who in all honesty wants to be around that?

That dependency was like a cord around my neck stifling me (& it stifled/nearly killed him, too). My attention would always focus on him & his career, instead of it being on myself, where it should have been in the 1st place. That ended up with me neglecting myself & pouring close to all of my energy into him. This is probably one of the biggest errors you can make in dating/marriage.

Of course, he left. I am glad he left because I don't want any one up under who doesn't genuinely want to be around me. (I would rather not live that hurtful lie.)

He also left to preserve himself, but he did not have good intentions toward me from the beginning. & why didn't I notice it? Because I was busy focusing my energy on him when it should have been on myself.

& what did I get out of it? I got that distraction out of my life. I got the energy, sucking vampire off of me. We both won in different ways. We got rid of the "burden". The point here: A relation cannot be too 1-sided. It probably shouldn't be 1-sided any way because that is usually a sign of something being wrong some place.

Can I blame him for leaving me, even if all other things were equal? The answer is NO. I wasn't attractive any more.... (meaning the things that he liked about me in the beginning were no longer there: self-confidence, strength, the fact that I cared about myself, that I had myself "together", my fire for life, etc.)<----This in parentheses is probably another big error in dating. It's almost as though when you lose yourself, it's over & you can just forget about whatever it is working out well.

For all I know, he probably couldn't even respect me any longer (& I would venture to say that, due to how I allowed him to treat me, especially near the end because I thought so little of myself & didn't take care of myself).


Furthermore, why would any one want to be around a wreck all the time? That other person is bound to go look for someone else or be frustrated or leave or try to preserve himself/herself & perhaps it is best that we not hold our significant others as hostages.... (I don't know.)

----------------------------------

Onto the last boyfriend, he simply could not deal with my moods or just didn't want to be with me for whatever reason & found a "way out" by using any thing as grounds to get rid of me. He was unwilling to work with me & my answer to that is, "Whatever."

& now, I'm by myself & I'm happier that way, instead of taking people's bull. I've made more progress now in the last few months than I ever have than in the last few years combined.

I got up 1 day after "crying" a lot to myself that no one would understand me & being distressed over how I would be alone forever. The answer I finally had for myself was: "SO F-ing WHAT?!"

I might end up alone, but if I don't do something with myself & get myself under wraps, my chances of being alone for the rest of my life will be very high.

At least, if I am able to address my issues & iron them out, I will have a better chance of finding someone who won't mind being around me & will be more accepting/"understanding" of my quirks/issues.

I will not go with any one &/or even seriously at that until I am in the best possible condition for myself, so I don't get lost again & caught up in the distractions (that end up being detrimental to me).

[xn728]

hi crystal i understand all this ,nice post again very explaneraty,i dont have anyone to whine to ,i keep it all in me .cant let family see it ,and theres nobody else ,oh my freinds here of course ,but i dont do it here !
do i ,oh lord please say no ,i had a good day today ,it was me who made it that way .i,ll be posting it in storys later ,,bye for now ken xn728

[crystalgaze]

Thanks Ken for your support. Thank you lots.

13. Problem-solving can be a very valuable tool. Learn to use it & use it well!

THINK --> PLAN --> ACT ...REPEAT.... Make it a routine to practice.

That's my best summary for it. The gist of this is that if something bothers you, do something about it. I cannot expect someone else to do it for me....

1. What's bothering me?
2. How do I/can I solve X?
3. What am I going to do today, regarding that problem? What will I work on today?

^-----That's how I do it.


14. Charity starts at home. Make sure to be kind to yourself.

15. You may have setbacks. Go easy on yourself when they happen.

16. It might be a good idea to be present/show up for your own life every day.

17. Escapism can help, but it is something to be wary of doing in excess.

18. Baby steps is all it takes....

19. When you do good/manage to overcome, MAKE SURE TO PAT YOURSELF ON THE BACK (as in good job)!

This was very important for me to break my cycle of beating myself up too much.

When you don't, still pat yourself on the back (as in keep on trying; you can do it)!

You lived, survived, took care of yourself (eat, shower, work--housework, job work--etc), got through another day. That in itself is an accomplishment you can more than pat yourself on the back for now.

20. About evil + some of your demons: THEY CAN ACTUALLY BE PUT TO GOOD USE. THEY CAN BE CONTROLLED & THEY CAN BE SLAIN....

Thought behind it: I believe that I am a combination of good + evil. I would like to be more good than evil. I have taken this approach for myself because I feel that if I suppress my evil nature, doing so will cause an imbalance. (I'm not saying this will be somebody else's belief.)

& so I've decided to embrace it, as it is a part of me. However, I am very careful with it. It's sort of something I make sure to feed so it stays calm, but am never present when it's eating. That is our kind of relationship.

The point is I find a way to channel it, so that it doesn't hurt me or any one else. It's sort of like aggression that you channel or call upon when playing sports or something.



My demon is death. I've had an obsession, fear & wish for it almost all of my short life. I've put it to work for me to help me get better. How?

Well, I am working toward becoming a reaper. While a reaper is negative, it has positive traits. It is strong. It is powerful. It is almost invincible probably. & I can be like that too to beat this depression....!

Now here's where I am putting it to good use for myself:

To keep this reaper goal in perspective, I am making sure to remind myself I am human & that while I want to be like 1, I will never become 1 (because that isn't really what I want).

I want its traits & nothing else. As long as I don't make it a problem, I will triumph. I can triumph because it is not ever more powerful than I am, even when it used to topple me before I adopted this attitude. It is my minion, not the other way around & minion might not even really be the word for it.

It's a sort of roommate I have that I can't get rid of ever. Instead of being bummed out about it, I take it in stride & find a way for both of us to be relatively happy & avoid clashing.

All for now.

[crystalgaze]

21. It might take some creativity....

22. It might take challenging yourself just a little, like in exercising.... (You get better in a stretch by pushing your boundaries gently to improve your range of motion gradually.)

[crystalgaze]

23. Maybe all we need is sincere/genuine love & encouragement & each other?

Each other, as in we all band together in our fight.... (all depressed people, all bipolar people, etc....)

That might be our greatest, relatively untapped resource yet? A strong alliance?

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Maybe all we need is sincere/genuine love

Yes we do!

Warmie

[crystalgaze]

24. It may throw you a curve ball... but please do not give up hope entirely.

Regain it, fight for yourself when you can & recuperate. That may be all you can do at the moment. Little by little now, you hear?

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

24. It may throw you a curve ball...

Duck!!!



Warmie

[xn728]

maybe if it hits me on the forehead it may knock some sense in there ,hey onika,,,,,,,ken

[crystalgaze]

Hhmm.... Let's see....

Your state may have more than 1 cause/trigger.

Look at yourself carefully to try to see if there is a pattern with how you feel. Write it down & keep a log, if necessary. Then go to the doctor & present your concerns, ask questions or find out more information.

Don't stop searching for answers!