The Random Thoughts Thread, possible triggering material

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crystalgaze
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The Random Thoughts Thread, possible triggering material

Postby crystalgaze » Thu Oct 01, 2009 2:53 am

Okay.... Well.... I sort of wanted to avoid creating a new topic for something I'm thinking off so I figured something like this might help.

Of course, any one is free to post here.


My thought for the moment is that I wonder how I really am. This has always puzzled me because what I say should probably come from someone older. I really am 25 but often feel like I might be 40 or something....

It's odd, but it's me.... What do I do with it....? Humm..... It seems like the only thing to do is to just be myself.... I guess this is me verbalizing how afraid I am of myself. I really shouldn't be, but it is a little scary being different from people to this extent.

I believe there are others like me & that I am not the only one like this. It's just that when you are at odds with lots of people (due to beliefs, etc), you're often misunderstood.... & being misunderstood + isolated sucks salt hard.

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Postby crystalgaze » Sat Oct 03, 2009 10:54 am

I believe I will know to myself at some point whether I'm truly bipolar like the doctor said.

Currently, I am wondering if I have really made progress, been able to get past/be at peace with all that happens to me + the world that affects me or is it just that I am in a high/mania phase?

Then, the other thing to wonder about is how long will this last? 15 years? (since I was depressed for about 15 years prior to my current state?)

I recall having high phases + low phases regularly, like hourly/every hours or daily. I am wondering if it has switched things up on me to trick me.

Ah... Well I can't worry about it.... (It's not going to solve any thing.) I guess time will tell....

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Postby crystalgaze » Sat Oct 03, 2009 11:16 am

I am having a very bad thought.... Today is the funeral for the gentleman I talked about in another post, who died after nearly drowning in the ocean (fishing accident). I guess he still drowned because it was said that his lung(s) shattered/exploded. I don't know the entire story.

There is something that is odd about the whole thing happening. No one saw it coming. The other thing is that the man was a cousin with the people across the street.

I don't want to say that the event was retribution, but I find it odd how this gentleman died, shortly thereafter my dog was brutally killed.

Why would I bring up something like this? The person who is one of the most upset people of the gentleman's death is the one whom is suspected of having thrown trash on the lawn for about 10 years as well as killing my dog (the ringleader of it all).

Mind you, I am not rejoicing. I do not rejoice over people's death. What I am saying is that it's both unbelievable + sad how karma works. That man did not deserve to die.

I believe our house will be next; we are all even now, meaning that in each household there was a painful loss or near loss of tragic proportions that affected each of us. The neighbor behind us lost her husband, which I would say is due to their treachery. (long story about that) The same man who is believed to be the one throwing the trash & who killed my dog damaged his ankles as well as his truck for a time. Now he has lost his uncle/cousin. His relationship are usually not successful, for whatever reason.

I wonder if he will stop acting like an evil bastard now, since his actions seem to be backfiring in his face lately + more frequently--whether directly or indirectly?

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Postby crystalgaze » Sat Oct 03, 2009 11:33 am

I don't know what's up with this but my eyes have started watering an awful lot while I type. Sometimes it's from a yawn & other times it comes from almost out of nowhere. (Maybe it's from being hyper....even on days when I don't feel like I am....)

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xn728
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dont worry your ok

Postby xn728 » Sat Oct 03, 2009 4:16 pm

hey ,dont tie yourself in knots about so many things ,ive been deppressed for 43 years ,i thought it would pass and tryed lots of things to get better ,somehow the effort of being what everyone else wanted made me worse ,going back to the neibours thing ,my next door neibour killed my daughters cat ,could never prove it but i knew it was him ,for what ever reason he made our lives hell for about 20 years ,i remember once i wished he would die ,a few years later he got cancer ,killed him within a year ,and you know what i was his freind for that year ,because he wife would be left on her own and i wanted him to know we would look out for her ,i did this because i thought of my wife in thst same potition ,did i kill him with that wish ,NO that decition was made when he was born ,like yourself and me would be deppressed at whatever points in our lives ,i created some of my downfall and so i deserve to suffer and suffer i will
so dont beat yourself up over something that was decided before you were born ,and as for being misunderstood ,its not your fault if your not understood ,you spoke perfectly it was they who misunderstood
im tired now and my eyes ache ,i think beetween us we must have the posting record for today ,,,,,xn728 ken

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Postby crystalgaze » Thu Oct 08, 2009 9:30 pm

:lol: to the last part. That was so funny!

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Ants, Spiders, Centipedes + Gungalos, Lizards

Postby crystalgaze » Mon Oct 12, 2009 11:12 pm

Ants

1. Why does an ant keep running on my computer screen!?

2. When I blow this ant off of my plate or my arm, where does it land?


Spiders (Daddy Long Legs)

1. I have no idea what it is with spiders & my bath tub.... Almost every day, there's one in the tub.

2. I tried to save one the other day, but it died... I didn't rest the paper down gently enough... I was really sad about that because I wasn't trying to kill the spider....

3. I just hate that I'm trying to help the spider by getting it out of the tub & then it decides it wants to run all over my arm.... That's why I usually just drop whatever it is, when I see that they're about to crawl on me.


Lizards

1. These baby lizards were too much...

2. I was out in the yard cleaning my fan & my clothes racks & these baby lizards went on them.... So my dad helped me out by bringing them up, since it was about to rain. One jumped on his shirt & the other we calmly/gently chased off of the rack, safely back outside.

3. The other lizard was frightened & jumped on our "green", reusable shopping bags, so I just picked up the bag & gently went outside with it, where I got the lizard to jump onto a leaf.... ~lol~ It looked like it was a tourist, just on the bag for the ride.


Centipedes, Gungalos....

1. My towel in the bathroom fell on the floor & I didn't pick it up right away.

2. Well the next morning I got a very big surprise. I picked up the towel & I just happened to shake it this one time & out drops a centipede. I screamed like I haven't screamed in a while. My dad came running from on the other side of the house. ~lol~ It was pretty funny 'cause he ran like a teenager. The neighbors were probably like, "What the heck was that?!"

It is rare that I ever scream. It was a blood curling, hair-raising one. The poor centipede was frightened & stunned. It went to hide behind the bathroom door.... My dad killed it because I was too shocked. I mean I was like "shake, shake, shake"... There's a sound.... (clack!) & there goes this frantic centipede running for cover.... In my head, I was like, "What?!"

3. Gungalos...sp? I hate stepping on gungalos... (They're similar to centipedes & are the smaller cousins of this huge millipedes I've seen hanging out on the outside wall of the house.)

The gungalos are a joy to watch, though. They're pretty cute + harmless. Just don't step on them bare foot or any thing like that. You don't want to get their acid on your skin when they break when you accidently step on them. They also have a funny odor, so you really don't want to kill them.

I just wouldn't want one to fall in my bed & I end up rolling on it. Oh hell no....

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Postby crystalgaze » Wed Oct 21, 2009 5:46 pm

I thought to myself, "I'm worried about ______"

Before I could finish, I then thought, "Don't worry.... Just do it...."

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Postby crystalgaze » Tue Nov 24, 2009 8:23 pm

The withdrawal is acting up right now. This is different all together. I do not think I have faced this type b4 at all.

I feel gone. I am not sure where I went. It feels like I'm going away, just barely here.

I keep seeing an image where I have no physical body but am a figure of energy. (The figure is not staying together; the energy particles are free-flowing in the air.) Nothing has revealed itself yet.

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Postby crystalgaze » Wed Jan 13, 2010 12:28 pm

I wonder if this newfound semi-peace will be so very short-lived.... I have been trying a lot more because those ionic vitamins + minerals I started taking seemed to have helped out a great deal.

I only want to be functional--that is, be able to work & take care of myself & not HAVE to rely on any one....

That is what I'm fighting for & struggling to do now.... I am hoping it will work some way.... ~lol~ I've even decided that if I had to do basket weaving to make it, I would do just that. :D :lol:

Today, I feel sort of odd.... strangely hot... like I'm on fire....

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xn728
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PASSING ON THE ROAD

Postby xn728 » Wed Jan 13, 2010 12:56 pm

hi onika ,youll do just fine ,youve got the savvy ,and you know what you want out of this thing called life ,its good to see you around again ,missed
your presance here ,we dont seem to talk much these days,we just pass by on the dusty road and say hi ,,you take care now ,onika ,,,,hugs kenxx

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crystalgaze
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Postby crystalgaze » Mon Jan 18, 2010 7:11 pm

It's funny how for as expressive as I can be.... Talking is not really my strong point. :lol: Weird, right?

I don't talk to my parents much about things or even my partner or even my mentor or just people in general.... A friend keeps telling me & encouraging me to open up more....

It will take time, though.... Sometimes I open my mouth & no sound comes out, even if I'm in pain.... A lot of times what I do is silent or I will hide.... Hiding is sometimes necessary, but jeez, it sure isn't good all the time....

I will just have to work on it little by little. : ) Thanks Ken!

darklight32
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Postby darklight32 » Mon Jan 18, 2010 8:05 pm

let the random-ness begin, I feel pumped so gonna go jog to my limits or perhaps over, i felt a presence, it made me cautious, as if my life was on the line, but thankfully only the silence is heard, expecting the unexpected. these things that we do such as sin, they hold little meaning but it's still bad........ummm....yeah

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crystalgaze
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Postby crystalgaze » Mon Jan 18, 2010 9:21 pm

Hey there darklight! ~waves~ Let me know how that goes! It sounds interesting! ;)

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Postby crystalgaze » Mon Jan 25, 2010 7:17 am

Life is a seesaw or swing; sometimes you just don't know what you're going to get on the way down/back.... :lol:


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