my fear
Posted: Mon Nov 18, 2019 4:46 pm
Hi,
I've got this problem.
Here's some background: My name is Carol, I'm Brazillian and I'm 19 years old. I graduated high school in 2017 and spent one semester in a preparatory course for entrance exams, without even knowing wth I wanted to do - here you pick a course, then the university, not the opposite, anyway- so that was intense because of all the pressure, but ok, I thought I had that figured out when I passed the exam for one of my main options and I enrolled the course of Architecture and Urbanism in a great renowned institution. I'm in the third semester now, and I have to say it, it is really not what I thought it would be.
I was "prepared" to encounter difficulties, sure, though the whole experience turned out to be really frustrating. Even though I'm working with art, and creativity and love, this course is something that takes a lot of you - your time, your money, your energy- so when there's no return, I feel heartbroken. I worked day after day, night after night to get my project done, but its still average. It's always like that. I feel hopeless because I won't be able to reach my own expectations, and I'm never going to get a decent job because there is always gonna be someone who's work is better. I already tried so hard, and if I tried harder I know I would go crazy.... its exhausting, and I have no energy left to produce anything anymore. "If you are what you make, then who are you when you're not making anything? Or what if you don't create anything that's any good?"
I feel like it's consuming me, the weekend comes and I don't want to do anything but stay on my bed all day and pretend I'm not myself. I've lost touch with so many important people in my life so "I could focus on myself", that now every time I come back to them I feel like such a monster, and like I'm outsider who lost its chance of bonding idk, and I'm so scared of leaving all of this behind.
I don't even know what would I do if I gave up architecture. I don't see myself succeeding anymore. And probably I would feel like such a failure to drop college... I expected to be living the best years of my life, but it feels like the total opposite.
I had nobody else to talk about it so... here I am.
I don’t know.
Thanks for listening.
I've got this problem.
Here's some background: My name is Carol, I'm Brazillian and I'm 19 years old. I graduated high school in 2017 and spent one semester in a preparatory course for entrance exams, without even knowing wth I wanted to do - here you pick a course, then the university, not the opposite, anyway- so that was intense because of all the pressure, but ok, I thought I had that figured out when I passed the exam for one of my main options and I enrolled the course of Architecture and Urbanism in a great renowned institution. I'm in the third semester now, and I have to say it, it is really not what I thought it would be.
I was "prepared" to encounter difficulties, sure, though the whole experience turned out to be really frustrating. Even though I'm working with art, and creativity and love, this course is something that takes a lot of you - your time, your money, your energy- so when there's no return, I feel heartbroken. I worked day after day, night after night to get my project done, but its still average. It's always like that. I feel hopeless because I won't be able to reach my own expectations, and I'm never going to get a decent job because there is always gonna be someone who's work is better. I already tried so hard, and if I tried harder I know I would go crazy.... its exhausting, and I have no energy left to produce anything anymore. "If you are what you make, then who are you when you're not making anything? Or what if you don't create anything that's any good?"
I feel like it's consuming me, the weekend comes and I don't want to do anything but stay on my bed all day and pretend I'm not myself. I've lost touch with so many important people in my life so "I could focus on myself", that now every time I come back to them I feel like such a monster, and like I'm outsider who lost its chance of bonding idk, and I'm so scared of leaving all of this behind.
I don't even know what would I do if I gave up architecture. I don't see myself succeeding anymore. And probably I would feel like such a failure to drop college... I expected to be living the best years of my life, but it feels like the total opposite.
I had nobody else to talk about it so... here I am.
I don’t know.
Thanks for listening.