I don't Know What this Is

[nenkohai2]

... coming into work this morning, I was reminded of situations, one after the other, of situations that I regretted or felt sorry about. I do that a lot seems. Really far back in my life, too.

I find myself aching over my son and daughter's childhood; right when my depression asserted itself. Perhaps, one day when they are just a bit older (my son is 20, my daughter is 23) I'll apologize to them for real.

I'm relentless with myself. I've GOT to stop that. I find myself feeling bad for no good reason. Or ANY reason. It's like some part of me is constantly pounding on me with "you're not good enough..." all the time.

I mean, I KNOW better. But I also know that depression is not rational. I wish I could find a method for mental hygiene. Ya know, just cleaning my mind. IDK. It'll all pass, I'm sure. Just today has been off.

[100footpole]

Hey nenkohai2,

Thanks for your post.

You're right this is the worst part of depression:

I wish I could find a method for mental hygiene. Ya know, just cleaning my mind. IDK. It'll all pass, I'm sure. Just today has been off.

Just keep trying seems to be a theme in many of threads on here. Do you think that anything could work permanently? I just keep doing what works and looking for new things to try.

Last winter guided meditation helped, but then I got bored with the routine, and when I looked the free tapes on You Tube just seemed to be more of the same.

What else have you tried that has worked for you ... but then you stopped. Did you stop like me, because "boredom" punctured the illusion?

[CitM]

I got a lot of that for awhile... cried every day for more than four years. But, it got better.

The thing to do is when you think of a bad memory say to yourself until you believe it because most of the time it is true.
1. I did the best I could at the time.
2. I did the best I could with the skills and understanding that I had.
3. I did what I thought was right at the time, later I might look back with more experienced and educated eyes, but I'm a better person than was then. (By the way, this is true for most people.)

It's kind of exhausting at first, but if you have a critical doppleganger, it gives up after awhile because misery loves company, not a person who is on the road to recovery.

[100footpole]

Thanks Mary,


Some of us have more persistent doppelgangers than others.

I do agree that these:

1. I did the best I could at the time.
2. I did the best I could with the skills and understanding that I had.
3. I did what I thought was right at the time, later I might look back with more experienced and educated eyes, but I'm a better person than was then. (By the way, this is true for most people.)

are great articles of faith.

I think nenkohai2 and I are just waiting for our doppelgangers to shut up. I do like the idea that you can take responsibility for keeping your mental house clean by thinking about why the above "truths" are true.