Not really sure what's happening
Posted: Sat Jan 30, 2016 10:12 pm
Hello everyone,
I don't mind if you don't want to reply to this, I just feel like it would be best to get my feelings out in the open, whether anyone reads it or not, if that makes sense! I'm not really sure how to make sense of my feelings, so writing it down is just a way for me to sort everything out in my head.
A bit of background, I've never had depression, but I've had lots of experience with suicidal thoughts, and depression-like symptoms at times, but the symptoms have never been very constant, and tend to be linked to stressful events. Doctors have tried to convince me in the past to take anti-depressants, but I've always said no because I'm actually a bit scared of taking them.
Anyway, recently, whenever I drink alcohol I have this massive crash at the end. Alcohol has always made me incredibly happy and energetic and hyper, and it still does, but over the past few months, I always get incredibly depressed after I've been drinking. It's quite a long commute home from a night on, so it's become a weekly thing that I just end up crying on the train home every Friday night. I have these feelings constantly, where I want to die, but I don't want to stop living, if that makes any sense? I don't want to kill myself, but at the same time I wouldn't particularly care if I were to be hit by a car tomorrow? It's really selfish, because I just want an easy way out. I cannot cope with life. I really can't. I'm not even strong enough to take the brave way out and kill myself actively by throwing myself off a cliff or something; I just sit around hoping that I'll catch some terminal disease or someone will happen to murder me. I can't handle this. There is literally nothing wrong with my life, and yet I still can't. I have fantastic friends; my family support me with everything I do; I have a job that I love going to; and yet I still want to die. It makes no sense.
I know that I need help, but I don't know how to go about it. I'm quite drunk right now, which is why I'm feeling all of this. When I wake up tomorrow morning, it will all feel like a bad dream. I'll feel fantastic, so I'll just tell myself that it was the alcohol talking, and that I don't actually need to speak to a doctor about it. It's so horribly difficult to work out what's real and what's not, because right now this all feels so real, but in the morning I know that it won't, because I've felt like this so many times before and I've dismissed it so many times before.
I know this is a lot to ask of anyone, but how can I handle this? How do you guys work out the difference between real feelings, and feelings caused by drugs? How do you fight against suicidal thoughts that have no basis in logic? I'm just so confused! I want to live, and I want to die, and I don't know what's true and what's not! I can't take anti-depressants, for stupid reasons. I haven't actually told anyone this, but I've felt these feelings for more than 10 years now, and they've become a massive part of who I am. I'm scared that the antidepressants will get rid of them, and get rid of me in the process. I don't know who I am without them. I don't know who I am at all. People have told me that the antidepressants just let you realise who you truly are, but in that case, I don't know who I truly am, so I'll be a stranger to myself. On some level, I'd rather be suicidal, and stay as myself, than be a happy stranger.
Anyway, this was all just a way for me to write down my feelings and try to make some sense of them all, so don't feel under any pressure to reply. If you do reply, I can't promise that I'll answer, but thank you anyway.
I don't mind if you don't want to reply to this, I just feel like it would be best to get my feelings out in the open, whether anyone reads it or not, if that makes sense! I'm not really sure how to make sense of my feelings, so writing it down is just a way for me to sort everything out in my head.
A bit of background, I've never had depression, but I've had lots of experience with suicidal thoughts, and depression-like symptoms at times, but the symptoms have never been very constant, and tend to be linked to stressful events. Doctors have tried to convince me in the past to take anti-depressants, but I've always said no because I'm actually a bit scared of taking them.
Anyway, recently, whenever I drink alcohol I have this massive crash at the end. Alcohol has always made me incredibly happy and energetic and hyper, and it still does, but over the past few months, I always get incredibly depressed after I've been drinking. It's quite a long commute home from a night on, so it's become a weekly thing that I just end up crying on the train home every Friday night. I have these feelings constantly, where I want to die, but I don't want to stop living, if that makes any sense? I don't want to kill myself, but at the same time I wouldn't particularly care if I were to be hit by a car tomorrow? It's really selfish, because I just want an easy way out. I cannot cope with life. I really can't. I'm not even strong enough to take the brave way out and kill myself actively by throwing myself off a cliff or something; I just sit around hoping that I'll catch some terminal disease or someone will happen to murder me. I can't handle this. There is literally nothing wrong with my life, and yet I still can't. I have fantastic friends; my family support me with everything I do; I have a job that I love going to; and yet I still want to die. It makes no sense.
I know that I need help, but I don't know how to go about it. I'm quite drunk right now, which is why I'm feeling all of this. When I wake up tomorrow morning, it will all feel like a bad dream. I'll feel fantastic, so I'll just tell myself that it was the alcohol talking, and that I don't actually need to speak to a doctor about it. It's so horribly difficult to work out what's real and what's not, because right now this all feels so real, but in the morning I know that it won't, because I've felt like this so many times before and I've dismissed it so many times before.
I know this is a lot to ask of anyone, but how can I handle this? How do you guys work out the difference between real feelings, and feelings caused by drugs? How do you fight against suicidal thoughts that have no basis in logic? I'm just so confused! I want to live, and I want to die, and I don't know what's true and what's not! I can't take anti-depressants, for stupid reasons. I haven't actually told anyone this, but I've felt these feelings for more than 10 years now, and they've become a massive part of who I am. I'm scared that the antidepressants will get rid of them, and get rid of me in the process. I don't know who I am without them. I don't know who I am at all. People have told me that the antidepressants just let you realise who you truly are, but in that case, I don't know who I truly am, so I'll be a stranger to myself. On some level, I'd rather be suicidal, and stay as myself, than be a happy stranger.
Anyway, this was all just a way for me to write down my feelings and try to make some sense of them all, so don't feel under any pressure to reply. If you do reply, I can't promise that I'll answer, but thank you anyway.