Not really sure what's happening

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jrb1992
Posts: 1
Joined: Sat Jan 30, 2016 9:53 pm

Not really sure what's happening

Postby jrb1992 » Sat Jan 30, 2016 10:12 pm

Hello everyone,

I don't mind if you don't want to reply to this, I just feel like it would be best to get my feelings out in the open, whether anyone reads it or not, if that makes sense! I'm not really sure how to make sense of my feelings, so writing it down is just a way for me to sort everything out in my head.

A bit of background, I've never had depression, but I've had lots of experience with suicidal thoughts, and depression-like symptoms at times, but the symptoms have never been very constant, and tend to be linked to stressful events. Doctors have tried to convince me in the past to take anti-depressants, but I've always said no because I'm actually a bit scared of taking them.

Anyway, recently, whenever I drink alcohol I have this massive crash at the end. Alcohol has always made me incredibly happy and energetic and hyper, and it still does, but over the past few months, I always get incredibly depressed after I've been drinking. It's quite a long commute home from a night on, so it's become a weekly thing that I just end up crying on the train home every Friday night. I have these feelings constantly, where I want to die, but I don't want to stop living, if that makes any sense? I don't want to kill myself, but at the same time I wouldn't particularly care if I were to be hit by a car tomorrow? It's really selfish, because I just want an easy way out. I cannot cope with life. I really can't. I'm not even strong enough to take the brave way out and kill myself actively by throwing myself off a cliff or something; I just sit around hoping that I'll catch some terminal disease or someone will happen to murder me. I can't handle this. There is literally nothing wrong with my life, and yet I still can't. I have fantastic friends; my family support me with everything I do; I have a job that I love going to; and yet I still want to die. It makes no sense.

I know that I need help, but I don't know how to go about it. I'm quite drunk right now, which is why I'm feeling all of this. When I wake up tomorrow morning, it will all feel like a bad dream. I'll feel fantastic, so I'll just tell myself that it was the alcohol talking, and that I don't actually need to speak to a doctor about it. It's so horribly difficult to work out what's real and what's not, because right now this all feels so real, but in the morning I know that it won't, because I've felt like this so many times before and I've dismissed it so many times before.

I know this is a lot to ask of anyone, but how can I handle this? How do you guys work out the difference between real feelings, and feelings caused by drugs? How do you fight against suicidal thoughts that have no basis in logic? I'm just so confused! I want to live, and I want to die, and I don't know what's true and what's not! I can't take anti-depressants, for stupid reasons. I haven't actually told anyone this, but I've felt these feelings for more than 10 years now, and they've become a massive part of who I am. I'm scared that the antidepressants will get rid of them, and get rid of me in the process. I don't know who I am without them. I don't know who I am at all. People have told me that the antidepressants just let you realise who you truly are, but in that case, I don't know who I truly am, so I'll be a stranger to myself. On some level, I'd rather be suicidal, and stay as myself, than be a happy stranger.

Anyway, this was all just a way for me to write down my feelings and try to make some sense of them all, so don't feel under any pressure to reply. If you do reply, I can't promise that I'll answer, but thank you anyway.

User avatar
specter
Posts: 131
Joined: Mon Jan 18, 2016 1:13 am
Location: Ohio, USA

Things are not what they seem.

Postby specter » Sun Jan 31, 2016 5:20 pm

People can seem happy and actually have a lot wrong with them. What people don't realize is that they can have unconscious thoughts slipped into their mind throughout their development. These thoughts get triggered on a regular basis, but alas, most people cannot know thoughts are in their unconscious mind, so they don't realize what they are. This causes them to feel helpless, which causes them to feel empty, which leads to suicidal thoughts and depression. It also leads to many other forms of mental illness.

It's often the case that a lot of people are strongly convinced that they need to carry around a positive, likable image around others, as well as all the time. It's an expectation that other people tend to have because they sometimes can't handle notions of negativity, so they project that dire need to avoid it onto another person. Sometimes those people hold onto that image and think that it is them, when, in reality, it only taught them to cover up who they really are. This causes them to not know who they are. Other peoples' expectations can be very damaging.

While I can't speak for you, I know that I have witnessed this in some people. Not sure if this is the case for you or not.

Anti-depressants, as well as any other form of medication, is a personal choice concerning your body. No one, not even a professional, has the right to make that decision for you but you. Hopefully they respect that. Some will, and some won't. It's your choice. If you need them and you feel like the pros outweigh the cons, then you should take them. If you feel like they would be a detriment to you and that the cons outweigh the pros, then don't. Your choice and your choice only.

100footpole
Posts: 477
Joined: Fri Oct 03, 2014 1:26 pm

Postby 100footpole » Mon Feb 01, 2016 9:44 am

One of my favorite movies is "A Beautiful Mind" about John Nash.

The facts behind that movie came to me slowly. I learned about "Nash Equilibria" in bull sessions as a freshman in college. Later, I heard about the mad man at Princeton, and then found out that it was John Nash when he started to recover.

I remember reading a story about someone querying John Nash about how he could be both a paranoid schizophrenic and a brilliant mathematician. He said the ideas came from the same place. This was born out by the fact that his son was equally brilliant, and also became schizophrenic.

My point is that there are places where "rational thinking" simply can't take us.

You write:

Alcohol has always made me incredibly happy and energetic and hyper, and it still does, but over the past few months, I always get incredibly depressed after I've been drinking.


To me alcohol is simply a dangerous form of self-prescribed anti-depressant. When it begins to affect me as you have described my choice is to swear off it until I feel a change in my life.

I believe that reflection is the best way to find your way around the conundrum that specter described:


What people don't realize is that they can have unconscious thoughts slipped into their mind throughout their development. These thoughts get triggered on a regular basis, but alas, most people cannot know thoughts are in their unconscious mind, so they don't realize what they are. This causes them to feel helpless, which causes them to feel empty, which leads to suicidal thoughts and depression.


I believe that current theory acknowledges that mind is made of many different processes. Our identities are always based in the past, and based on inferences not deductions.

For me the root cause of my depression is to think that who I am and what I can do is based on the past and not my future actions. What do you think is a good path to follow forward?[/quote]

Prycejosh1987
Posts: 424
Joined: Sun May 31, 2020 10:54 am
Location: Birmingham UK

Re: Not really sure what's happening

Postby Prycejosh1987 » Sun Jun 07, 2020 12:54 pm

jrb1992 wrote:Hello everyone,

I don't mind if you don't want to reply to this, I just feel like it would be best to get my feelings out in the open, whether anyone reads it or not, if that makes sense! I'm not really sure how to make sense of my feelings, so writing it down is just a way for me to sort everything out in my head.

A bit of background, I've never had depression, but I've had lots of experience with suicidal thoughts, and depression-like symptoms at times, but the symptoms have never been very constant, and tend to be linked to stressful events. Doctors have tried to convince me in the past to take anti-depressants, but I've always said no because I'm actually a bit scared of taking them.

Anyway, recently, whenever I drink alcohol I have this massive crash at the end. Alcohol has always made me incredibly happy and energetic and hyper, and it still does, but over the past few months, I always get incredibly depressed after I've been drinking. It's quite a long commute home from a night on, so it's become a weekly thing that I just end up crying on the train home every Friday night. I have these feelings constantly, where I want to die, but I don't want to stop living, if that makes any sense? I don't want to kill myself, but at the same time I wouldn't particularly care if I were to be hit by a car tomorrow? It's really selfish, because I just want an easy way out. I cannot cope with life. I really can't. I'm not even strong enough to take the brave way out and kill myself actively by throwing myself off a cliff or something; I just sit around hoping that I'll catch some terminal disease or someone will happen to murder me. I can't handle this. There is literally nothing wrong with my life, and yet I still can't. I have fantastic friends; my family support me with everything I do; I have a job that I love going to; and yet I still want to die. It makes no sense.

I know that I need help, but I don't know how to go about it. I'm quite drunk right now, which is why I'm feeling all of this. When I wake up tomorrow morning, it will all feel like a bad dream. I'll feel fantastic, so I'll just tell myself that it was the alcohol talking, and that I don't actually need to speak to a doctor about it. It's so horribly difficult to work out what's real and what's not, because right now this all feels so real, but in the morning I know that it won't, because I've felt like this so many times before and I've dismissed it so many times before.

I know this is a lot to ask of anyone, but how can I handle this? How do you guys work out the difference between real feelings, and feelings caused by drugs? How do you fight against suicidal thoughts that have no basis in logic? I'm just so confused! I want to live, and I want to die, and I don't know what's true and what's not! I can't take anti-depressants, for stupid reasons. I haven't actually told anyone this, but I've felt these feelings for more than 10 years now, and they've become a massive part of who I am. I'm scared that the antidepressants will get rid of them, and get rid of me in the process. I don't know who I am without them. I don't know who I am at all. People have told me that the antidepressants just let you realise who you truly are, but in that case, I don't know who I truly am, so I'll be a stranger to myself. On some level, I'd rather be suicidal, and stay as myself, than be a happy stranger.

Anyway, this was all just a way for me to write down my feelings and try to make some sense of them all, so don't feel under any pressure to reply. If you do reply, I can't promise that I'll answer, but thank you anyway.

Drugs and alcohol can intensify feelings and emotions. It mainly goes for illegal drugs and alcohol. I think you should change your mentality and overcome your negative mentality. I do think you should talk to your doctor, and maybe a therapist too.


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