Depression Understood Forums

Yes, I got your email where you told me I was a farce and a sham; that I could not possibly be spiritual because I block and ignore people when they are of no use to me.

You do know it has been 3 and 1/2 years, right? No, I am not throwing that fact in your face. I bring it up because so much has changed. You have no clue what has happened to me over the last 42 months.

Part of what you do not know is that I remained in love with you for the following 18 months or so after we split. That probably makes no sense to you since I went out of my way to not communicate in any way with you. But the fulcrum was the pain I was causing everyone. You, me, my kids, and my wife. I couldn't permit that any longer. I'd rather deal with the pain myself than give it to anyone else. So, I've been long-term silent with you.
And that came at a price of mental and physical health. I accepted it as proper punishment. Maybe I'm trying to sound like a martyr. I'm not sure what my point is other than to let you know that I just didn't shrug my shoulders and move on.

I do firmly believe that Spirit/God/Universe had a hand in me staying with my wife and family because my son went through a major crisis that would not have ended well had I not been there.

Perhaps all these are just excuses. I don't know for sure.

Here's what I do know (largely because I know myself MUCH better than I did 42 months ago): that 18 month pining period? I realized my feelings were born out of a 3 month "honeymoon" where everything seemed perfect. And during that pining period I often referred back to the many discussions you and I had about your past and your relationships; I was looking for clues as to how things would have been had we stayed together. Based on that, it seemed to me there were already two strikes against a viable relationship. The third strike came gradually as you tried repeatedly to get my attention and get me to respond. I pissed you off (yet again).

And when you read my artist statement on my site, you couldn't take it any more so you lashed out at me again last week, on Christmas day. I'd be lying if I said it didn't upset me. It did, but only for a short while --

because I realized the sequence of events: you googled my name; saw I had a new website; went there; read my artist statement; got pissed; and wrote that venomous email and sent it. On Christmas day.

I think you're pissed because I found my "great life" without you; that I've moved on. It is telling to me that you say that you've found unconditional love with someone else (which I am sincerely glad that you have) but you take the time to search me out and write this email.

Based on the things you've said and done, you hate it when you don't get your way - even after all this time.

I suppose I should have warned you that I took you at your word when you said to me, "don't expect me to be sitting around pining for you..." I didn't. Yes, I was still in love with you, but I knew it wouldn't be too long before there was someone else. And yet, when you've found someone else, you come back to spit hate at me. 42 months later. Whattttttt?

Why do I write all this? To let you know your Christmas Day email proved that it would have never worked out between us. Why did you let your hurt become hate? I could never have abided by your malignant insistence that all go according to your desires.

As is, I'll never tell you that this post exists because I know you will sign-on here and attack. I'm sorry to say, but I believe you are very damaged which is largely your own doing. I hope and indeed pray you are in effective therapy or treatment.

My own soul is clear and unburdened by your attack.

Nice.



There are people I don't answer ... and that is why.

Of special wonder to me is the email arrived about 1 week after I conducted a (rather intense) soul retrieval ceremony/ritual.

But it's not all about retrieval. I "cleansed" and sent-back whatever energies I still had of her.

I'm still processing it all.

Part of my spirituality flows along the concept-lines of "non-duality." Which is to say, at some level, everything exists as One; without division. I believe that humans can access that - at times with more success than others.

At that level compassion and love is the atmosphere We breathe. One is the highest self and form.

It is from this framing that I returned the highest ideals given to me by A. The parts of her soul she gave to me, I return - cleansed in the light of One.

Likewise, I gently reclaim those parts of my soul I had given to A. Cleansed in the light of One.

Until such a time when we become fully aware of One again; when there is no distinction of thought or love. Go in the highest sense of peace until then. As will I.

Let A=1

Nice.

Sadly, I suppose, the events I describe above have defined my life since age 48. Not sadly, I believe I've rallied from the experience. My mind is in a better place. Emotionally, I'm doing okay. I wish I could find a new level of intimacy with my wife. Partly (maybe mostly) responsible is my hormone levels (specifically testosterone) have flatlined into the double digits. Of course, I'm using meds to prop-up the T levels.

But, if I'm honest, I still hold many things against my wife. I don't see her expressions (i.e. you look hot, etc) as honest. I don't believe her. This is born out of the time when she rejected me physically for months on end. I'm still angry about that. I've nearly given-up on that aspect of my married life. Maybe I'm still punishing myself. Maybe my T levels are such that I don't care any more. I think maybe I need to take this into therapy...

Let A=1

I have this same feeling:

I still hold many things against my wife. I don't see her expressions (i.e. you look hot, etc) as honest.

I've made peace with it, in that my perceptions of my wife's expressions are being filtered through my own depression. I view depression as a sort of cognitive astigmatism. Evaluating my position always comes down to comparing "my feelings" with objective evidence.

In the same sense that "eye exercises" help some people with astigmatism, I believe that by counting my blessings I can overcome the feeling of doom, that things won't get better, that control is a matter of luck and not action.

One of my pieces of objective evidence is that when my wife and I break out of our routine we become a team like we were when we were first married. Last summer we made a road trip that was like a second honeymoon. On the other hand, living our normal lives we have so many routines that require compromises, we bicker over things that don't matter, and we forget to show appreciation for the things we've been doing for each other for 25 years. Showing appreciation becomes painful when you expect something in return. How honest is it to give a compliment to get a compliment?

I have been thinking about this post for 24 hours. Thank you for giving me the frame to express something I've been thinking about for a year.

And I want to thank you, 100footpole, for putting a new perspective on my situation. You've given me some things to consider.

nenkohai2 wrote:Yes, I got your email where you told me I was a farce and a sham; that I could not possibly be spiritual because I block and ignore people when they are of no use to me.

You do know it has been 3 and 1/2 years, right? No, I am not throwing that fact in your face. I bring it up because so much has changed. You have no clue what has happened to me over the last 42 months.

Part of what you do not know is that I remained in love with you for the following 18 months or so after we split. That probably makes no sense to you since I went out of my way to not communicate in any way with you. But the fulcrum was the pain I was causing everyone. You, me, my kids, and my wife. I couldn't permit that any longer. I'd rather deal with the pain myself than give it to anyone else. So, I've been long-term silent with you.
And that came at a price of mental and physical health. I accepted it as proper punishment. Maybe I'm trying to sound like a martyr. I'm not sure what my point is other than to let you know that I just didn't shrug my shoulders and move on.

I do firmly believe that Spirit/God/Universe had a hand in me staying with my wife and family because my son went through a major crisis that would not have ended well had I not been there.

Perhaps all these are just excuses. I don't know for sure.

Here's what I do know (largely because I know myself MUCH better than I did 42 months ago): that 18 month pining period? I realized my feelings were born out of a 3 month "honeymoon" where everything seemed perfect. And during that pining period I often referred back to the many discussions you and I had about your past and your relationships; I was looking for clues as to how things would have been had we stayed together. Based on that, it seemed to me there were already two strikes against a viable relationship. The third strike came gradually as you tried repeatedly to get my attention and get me to respond. I pissed you off (yet again).

And when you read my artist statement on my site, you couldn't take it any more so you lashed out at me again last week, on Christmas day. I'd be lying if I said it didn't upset me. It did, but only for a short while --

because I realized the sequence of events: you googled my name; saw I had a new website; went there; read my artist statement; got pissed; and wrote that venomous email and sent it. On Christmas day.

I think you're pissed because I found my "great life" without you; that I've moved on. It is telling to me that you say that you've found unconditional love with someone else (which I am sincerely glad that you have) but you take the time to search me out and write this email.

Based on the things you've said and done, you hate it when you don't get your way - even after all this time.

I suppose I should have warned you that I took you at your word when you said to me, "don't expect me to be sitting around pining for you..." I didn't. Yes, I was still in love with you, but I knew it wouldn't be too long before there was someone else. And yet, when you've found someone else, you come back to spit hate at me. 42 months later. Whattttttt?

Why do I write all this? To let you know your Christmas Day email proved that it would have never worked out between us. Why did you let your hurt become hate? I could never have abided by your malignant insistence that all go according to your desires.

As is, I'll never tell you that this post exists because I know you will sign-on here and attack. I'm sorry to say, but I believe you are very damaged which is largely your own doing. I hope and indeed pray you are in effective therapy or treatment.

My own soul is clear and unburdened by your attack.

I understand but i do think you should be open to loving everyone (in a general sense) you meet. Dont allow bad situations to get the better of you.