Depression Understood Forums

I was referred to this site by some random person in a random chat room. It's hard to find a place to begin and I feel kind of silly even typing this anyway. I'll just jump right into it. I'm 25 years old and never had a real date. You may laugh after you read that sentence but that is one of the many things that cause my anxiety and depression. Throughout my teen years and early 20s, I was always the guy that girls/women said that they wanted but never dated. My personality has always been kind, a little bit shy and a little bit reserved, but compassionate, conscientious, and I've always considered myself an overall good person. I never really participated in parties even if I was at one, never been in trouble, haven't had any addictions, don't drink or smoke. I've always been one who has integrity and tries to live a life of justice...even if it means seeing others that don't just get what they want all the time anyway. My integrity is probably the main thing that has kept me from killing myself because I have felt misfortune and a lack of fairness my whole life, especially when it comes to dating.

I have never much been comfortable around any of the girls/women I've met over the years. The reason for this is because they have all, in some form or another, been depraved people. They have casual sex, unprotected sex, cheat on people, smoke or drink, have tattoos or piercings(though I find this attractive, it is a red flag to what immoral things their personality may potentially be made up of). Girls and women in my life have just generally made bad decisions, have poor judgement, and just generally seem to have been a degenerate with reprehensible behavior. I'm a straight edge and pure man and I just never thought it'd be this hard to find a girl who isn't a slut or doesn't do drugs and other things that I'm not comfortable with. I'm not saying they have to be a nun but they have all been bad people. I don't know how else to describe it.

I used to blame myself for missed opportunities. I used to find flaws in what I did or said or even how I looked. I don't do that as often now because I think that some of my confidence has come with maturity and the fact that I have lost 125 pounds. I can't find a date, women aren't interested in me, they don't message me or talk to me. I used to blame it on my weight but now I'm the thinnest I've ever been. It doesn't really make sense any more and I don't really know what else to do.

I made a POF profile and I've only gotten 2 real messages on there from women sort of inquiring in a whole month. 600,000 people use that website and all I get is 2 messages and haven't even been on a real date yet with anyone from there. Nobody even views my profile.

I feel like my youth has been stolen from me because I never got to date anybody. Even if I never really like the quality of people around, no girls ever showed interest in me. I've only had one girlfriend when I was 14 but that barely counts because she was in fact the school slut and everybody knew it. People like that are the ones that get to hook up with others and enjoy their romantic life but it always ends in abuse or a failed marriage at 18 or a unplanned kid. I would never do anything to hurt the woman I love and it isn't fair.

The thing is, I'm not even a geek. I consider myself to be a pretty laid back and casual guy. I'm not some hopeless looking dude who can't even talk to a woman for 5 seconds without saying something stupid. I'm respectful and treat them like a lady. Halloween night I went out with a girl, it wasn't really a date, I offered to pay for the meal, I opened doors for her, I walked her to her car. I actually care. I did this all in a very normal way, not creepy. In fact, I was talking and asking more questions than even she was. If anyone messed up it was HER, she told me something that was very distasteful about herself but I held my tongue. I asked her out to lunch the next day; she made an excuse. I told her I'll leave it up to her and she's never called. Why?

I'm not really sure what I want out of posting this. I want someone to tell me what the problem is but I don't really wanna hear that I'M the problem because I've worked hard to look as good as I do and I don't disrespect women. I take interest in their interests and ask about them and everything. How can I be the problem when I am who I am and you'd think eventually someone would appreciate that? Usually people say "it's them and not you" to me but that doesn't really fix anything. I'm still alone and I'm still 25 and getting older with no girlfriend. To whomever reads this whole thing: thank you.

Hi,

What you're doing wrong, isn't actually wrong. You've just got to tone it down a little.

Though the vast 99% of people would say I'm crazy saying this, I'm not. You are acting like too much of a gentleman.


I would suggest, if you're not bothered on the girl knowing where you live, to just say to go round your house/flat for a takeaway, chat and a movie but 1 stipulation; must wear just indoor home comfies clothes.



You're playing the date night in a modern world of more personalised dates ranging from at home dates to lazer quest and bowling.


PM me if you like, this is one one area in life I understand well.

Hey There,

Always be the gentleman. Never stop. Always show respect.

Personally, I think you're being unreasonable with yourself. I get loneliness. But the narrative you've built around your loneliness is too brutal on yourself.

Just observations.

Wishing you well,

n.

Hello,

I am new to this site so I thought I would just see what people are posting and see if I can weigh in a bit - I'd say I hope you don't mind but I imagine that's what you're looking for.

What I am going to say may sound like criticism but I assure you I only mean it as helpful advice - as a woman in her mid twenties I feel that I understand in a sense the "losing youth" idea - depression can take up a huge amount of time in our lives and I often wonder when I will "get better" and be able to do the things I want to, but I guess it isn't as clear cut as that.

With regards to having luck with ladies, this is where the encouraging criticism sets in.

I have noticed your username is "victim", and that you have referred to yourself as a "nice guy" and to many women as "sluts" or in other hurtful ways.

Labelling yourself and others like this is not helping you to find a relationship. Declaring yourself as a "victim" may be an honest expression of how you view yourself, but I have learned from personal experience and from watching others that those who see themselves as victims are not usually helping themselves. Not that you can't let others know you are struggling, but the finality of it suggests to others that you may not believe you can actually achieve more than this victim status and move on to a place in your life where you manage your problems and form meaningful relationships with others.

A potential partner will value your honesty, yes, if she is right for you - but (and I know this is difficult) you need to believe in some small way that you can learn to manage your feelings of depression and form a relationship. You will need to put out there that you have a desire to achieve these things. The right woman will want to help you but you have to show a little faith in yourself and her in order to make some progress.

"But how do I find this right woman?" you may ask. Well.. perhaps you need to take another look around at the girls who you don't think are right for you.

Labelling these girls "sluts" or "depraved" based on their behaviours is easy to do but in doing so you overlook who they are and most importantly who they want to be. You worry that people may see you in a bad light because of your lack of having had a relationship - well, they may worry that others see them in a bad light because of their actions and reputations too.

When you dismiss these girls because of their reputations you are saying to yourself "these people will never be more than they are now". Perhaps, like you, they want something lasting but don't know where to begin. When people tell you things about themselves that they seem ashamed of (such as the girl in the car), they are often telling you that they want to change, and you need to show that you can look past these behaviours and experiences because unless these women feel valued they aren't going to have the courage to change.

You seem like a genuinely well intentioned person, and I really do mean to help and encourage you, so here is what I suggest.

Take another look at the girls around you - and strip away the labels. The only labels you need to attach to them are their names. Go talk to them. Find out what they like - what shows they are into, what their favourite foods are, if they like drawing or gaming or walking their dog. Tell them about yourself - not that you're a "nice guy", and not that you're a "victim". Tell them that you like watching CSI or The Simpsons or Dr Who. Tell them that sometimes you struggle with depression, and tell them that you're hoping to manage it. Tell them that you have joined a chat group and tell them if it helps. Ask if they believe in God, or aliens, or fate. Ask them what kind of life they would like to lead. And tell them that you believe in them, and that you believe in yourself too.

You may still get rejected but this only means that the person is not right for you or is not in a place in which they can learn to accept themselves. Keep trying.

You have a choice - to continue watching your life go by waiting to be what women want and then finding the perfect woman to want you - or to take action and BE what women want by simply wanting them for who they are and who they could be, not accepting what others call them.

I hope this helps, take care x

What a great post anxiousforumuser.

When I read

Labelling yourself and others like this is not helping you to find a relationship. Declaring yourself as a "victim" may be an honest expression of how you view yourself, but I have learned from personal experience and from watching others that those who see themselves as victims are not usually helping themselves. Not that you can't let others know you are struggling, but the finality of it suggests to others that you may not believe you can actually achieve more than this victim status and move on to a place in your life where you manage your problems and form meaningful relationships with others.

I thought about how all those labels exist in the past Ivictim, slut), and it is fear that is keeping this guy from moving forward. I think that he needs to make peace with himself, and the labels will disappear. If you are a nice guy you need to understand that people can and do make mistakes, and that people change. Certainly protect yourself, a minority of the people you meet are users, or maybe ALL the people you are interested in are users ... But your mission as a human being is to detect users, and then train yourself to avoid them.

You are your own boss ... if you think of someone as not worthy of you, how do you think they think of you?

Victim wrote:I was referred to this site by some random person in a random chat room. It's hard to find a place to begin and I feel kind of silly even typing this anyway. I'll just jump right into it. I'm 25 years old and never had a real date. You may laugh after you read that sentence but that is one of the many things that cause my anxiety and depression. Throughout my teen years and early 20s, I was always the guy that girls/women said that they wanted but never dated. My personality has always been kind, a little bit shy and a little bit reserved, but compassionate, conscientious, and I've always considered myself an overall good person. I never really participated in parties even if I was at one, never been in trouble, haven't had any addictions, don't drink or smoke. I've always been one who has integrity and tries to live a life of justice...even if it means seeing others that don't just get what they want all the time anyway. My integrity is probably the main thing that has kept me from killing myself because I have felt misfortune and a lack of fairness my whole life, especially when it comes to dating.

I have never much been comfortable around any of the girls/women I've met over the years. The reason for this is because they have all, in some form or another, been depraved people. They have casual sex, unprotected sex, cheat on people, smoke or drink, have tattoos or piercings(though I find this attractive, it is a red flag to what immoral things their personality may potentially be made up of). Girls and women in my life have just generally made bad decisions, have poor judgement, and just generally seem to have been a degenerate with reprehensible behavior. I'm a straight edge and pure man and I just never thought it'd be this hard to find a girl who isn't a slut or doesn't do drugs and other things that I'm not comfortable with. I'm not saying they have to be a nun but they have all been bad people. I don't know how else to describe it.

I used to blame myself for missed opportunities. I used to find flaws in what I did or said or even how I looked. I don't do that as often now because I think that some of my confidence has come with maturity and the fact that I have lost 125 pounds. I can't find a date, women aren't interested in me, they don't message me or talk to me. I used to blame it on my weight but now I'm the thinnest I've ever been. It doesn't really make sense any more and I don't really know what else to do.

I made a POF profile and I've only gotten 2 real messages on there from women sort of inquiring in a whole month. 600,000 people use that website and all I get is 2 messages and haven't even been on a real date yet with anyone from there. Nobody even views my profile.

I feel like my youth has been stolen from me because I never got to date anybody. Even if I never really like the quality of people around, no girls ever showed interest in me. I've only had one girlfriend when I was 14 but that barely counts because she was in fact the school slut and everybody knew it. People like that are the ones that get to hook up with others and enjoy their romantic life but it always ends in abuse or a failed marriage at 18 or a unplanned kid. I would never do anything to hurt the woman I love and it isn't fair.

The thing is, I'm not even a geek. I consider myself to be a pretty laid back and casual guy. I'm not some hopeless looking dude who can't even talk to a woman for 5 seconds without saying something stupid. I'm respectful and treat them like a lady. Halloween night I went out with a girl, it wasn't really a date, I offered to pay for the meal, I opened doors for her, I walked her to her car. I actually care. I did this all in a very normal way, not creepy. In fact, I was talking and asking more questions than even she was. If anyone messed up it was HER, she told me something that was very distasteful about herself but I held my tongue. I asked her out to lunch the next day; she made an excuse. I told her I'll leave it up to her and she's never called. Why?

I'm not really sure what I want out of posting this. I want someone to tell me what the problem is but I don't really wanna hear that I'M the problem because I've worked hard to look as good as I do and I don't disrespect women. I take interest in their interests and ask about them and everything. How can I be the problem when I am who I am and you'd think eventually someone would appreciate that? Usually people say "it's them and not you" to me but that doesn't really fix anything. I'm still alone and I'm still 25 and getting older with no girlfriend. To whomever reads this whole thing: thank you.

Its not too late to find love, your not a middle aged man yet, even if you were you could still find love. Be optimistic and keep looking for that partner.