One of THOSE Days

[nenkohai2]

I guess I get this way when work is slow; like it has been for a few days now. It's almost as if I need to be "talked down from the ledge" so to speak (not literally). Part of me wants to reach out to people I should not. Women that I've loved but have been destructive for me... or, I destructive to them. Not so much to "get back with them." Oh lord, no. To apologize. To talk.

But, I know what part of me that is.... it's that part that has a pathological need to be liked and respected. And loved. It's like I want to tell them, really, and for honest, I don't suck as a person. But when you knew me, I was not in control - not in the way I should have been.

My head was really messed up then. Looking back on it, I know what drove me to "that place," but, how could I have let it get that far? Really, I was not in control.

Tthere is a component I may be discounting (that is, until now). My testosterone levels have massively dropped in the last 4 or so years. I think I was hormonally out of whack for a while. I've been getting treatment for that and its helped. Yes, male menopause is real. It unhinged me for a while. Really made me question my mental health. I think, in part, it sowed a very fertile ground for me to go off the reservation. And "off" I did go.

Still have the karma generated by that time.

And as I remind myself of that dark time, I realize that there is no way I can reach out and make contact. It would only create a new eddy in the river. An eddy where crap accumulates. No, not only is it not worth it, but at some karmic-level, its a big no-no.

[Bardsley]

I can relate to starting to feel down when work is slow. Too much time on your own to think can be really difficult to deal with. I am glad you are getting help with your health problem. I hope things continue to get better for you and you are able to move forward.