Depression Understood Forums

In a single day I had three different women (four, if you include my wife) tell me that they love me. This is a reason for pause, because in the past, I would have interpreted "I love you" as romantic and erotic. Not love as in compassion... but perhaps the baser "love," the giddy love; the tingly all-over love.

There's nothing wrong with those reactions to "I love you," certainly. In the right context. But as little as three years ago, I took ILY as meaning romantic, erotic, blissful acceptance, ...."I want to go to bed with you" kinda love. Mystical. Cosmic. The world of soul mates and "Twin Flames." The finding of true spiritual meaning in a meaningless world. I thought of it as an answer. Enlightenment, even. That I had been guided to that place. But there was nothing external about any of it. No guidance. No mystical experience. Nothing cosmic. But there was plenty of karma: the results of my actions and decisions. That karma broke me. Snapped me and the people around me like a twig. And I learned in the hardest way possible.

Now, today, I can say "I love you" to a woman in the context of compassion. No riders. No extra emotions or intent or desires. Compassion. It's been an excrutiatingly long time in coming. Memories of karma haunt me... but I move on as best as I can.

Most days I feel like I'm the only person in the world who is entirely unloved.

I'm 25. No one has kissed me. Parents think little of me, and are toxic. No real friends ... and never had authentic ones. Never ... bonded with someone who "liked" me. Can count on one hand a person has "liked me" ... ... they thought it was OK to hit a woman if she was "being a jerk", so I eventually dropped that person. No one else has cared one bit about me. This is especially so if they happened to see me cry. Being sad definitely repels people.

I understand the point of your post ... but I have never experienced any of it.

Jeez, makes me wonder what world I'm a part of. Apparently not this one.

You are seeing something of love here, Specter.

No, I'm afraid I'm not. Unless maybe you mean something that I do not understand?

I was talking along the lines of intimacy, by the way, which is a healthy expression of love. I don't have that and it hurts.

((((Specter))))

Big hugs.

I hope this situation changes for you - in the best possible way.

Thanks.

Wishful thinking has gotten me nowhere, but I appreciate the sentiment.