I don't expect you to understand
Posted: Wed Nov 12, 2014 1:16 pm
It seems you try to make contact about once a year. In anticipation of that, I'm writing here.
Knowing what I know about you, you're contacting me to tell me something. It's not about me, but about you. Modus Operandi.
Here's some context as to why I've not let you back into my life:
"this isn't my first rodeo." Holy f ucking s hit. I wish I had really heard that when you first said it. What it meant.
You know, of course, I've never been to that particular "rodeo." I don't know what you've done to your mind to be able to compartmentalize, but, what a job you've done on yourself. I was utterly unable to do any such compartmentalization. "Rodeo" indeed. It has been over 2 years now, and I'm STILL dealing with the external consequences of that summer. I mean, let's be clear - what was a "rodeo" for you was for me working with my wife and an arbiter to make our divorce as smooth as possible; explaining to my kids; I was preparing to DO this.
You needed to back off. You didn't. I needed to arrive at all the decisions myself. You wouldn't let me. You pursued me relentlessly. I floated along, high on your words of adoration and love. But, it wasn't about me. It was what YOU wanted.
I didn't see any of this at the time. Forest because of the trees. I came completely undone. If it hadn't been for my wife's unconditional love of me, I would have been undone AND lost.
It took me a full two years to get over you. Now, I can see the landscape for what it was. And I hope and pray you,yourself, are in therapy.
The person I was no longer exists. Truly. No drama... just the reality.
Still, I don't hate you. I have compassion for you. That said, stay away from me.
Knowing what I know about you, you're contacting me to tell me something. It's not about me, but about you. Modus Operandi.
Here's some context as to why I've not let you back into my life:
"this isn't my first rodeo." Holy f ucking s hit. I wish I had really heard that when you first said it. What it meant.
You know, of course, I've never been to that particular "rodeo." I don't know what you've done to your mind to be able to compartmentalize, but, what a job you've done on yourself. I was utterly unable to do any such compartmentalization. "Rodeo" indeed. It has been over 2 years now, and I'm STILL dealing with the external consequences of that summer. I mean, let's be clear - what was a "rodeo" for you was for me working with my wife and an arbiter to make our divorce as smooth as possible; explaining to my kids; I was preparing to DO this.
You needed to back off. You didn't. I needed to arrive at all the decisions myself. You wouldn't let me. You pursued me relentlessly. I floated along, high on your words of adoration and love. But, it wasn't about me. It was what YOU wanted.
I didn't see any of this at the time. Forest because of the trees. I came completely undone. If it hadn't been for my wife's unconditional love of me, I would have been undone AND lost.
It took me a full two years to get over you. Now, I can see the landscape for what it was. And I hope and pray you,yourself, are in therapy.
The person I was no longer exists. Truly. No drama... just the reality.
Still, I don't hate you. I have compassion for you. That said, stay away from me.