miserable but not suicidal -- what then?

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nadiahoney
Posts: 15
Joined: Thu Apr 05, 2012 12:07 pm
Location: Charlottesville, VA

miserable but not suicidal -- what then?

Postby nadiahoney » Fri May 30, 2014 10:17 pm

I have spent the past couple of years spiralling downhill. Don't leave my house for the most part and rarely even get out of bed. I used to have a life. Now I have a semi-death. I don't even have the energy to kill myself. What does someone do, where does one go for help if they cannot bear to live but don't want to kill themselves? I can't seem to find a place at all. My doctor is useless and just keeps trying a new medicine. He is not very smart, as I live in the South where most people are dumber than me, including doctors. (I went through med school myself and was top of my class. Now I lie in bed crying uncontrollably.)

Lost Ingrid
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Jun 02, 2014 3:33 pm
Location: Ontario Canada

Postby Lost Ingrid » Mon Jun 02, 2014 4:42 pm

Hi Nadia
I feel the same pain. For me I become overwhelmed with guilt for being so ungrateful for what I once had. I didn't take care of it and lost it. All of it.
I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder after my third bout. I was never good with the Zoloft, Effexor and finally Cymbalta they gave me. I didn't take it for longer than 3 months because it would lift me "enough" and I would quit. I didn't know what mania was until April 2013 but it was kind of late and some major damage was done. I fell into Depression and that's when the Cymbalta was brought out. Again, my GP treated me for what I was presenting and somewhat dismissed my bipolar suggestion. I suppose she should've insisted on me seeing a pDoc because I've met 5 of them since.
I can't say I respect the meds ( fully anyway) as they seem to have a limited effect on a lot of folks with BP1.
I wanted to reach out to you to see if having someone to vent with or talk through would help. I've had the ideation brewing and a troubling sense of peace following it. I know that's a really bad combo and joining this forum was one of my attempts to feel some kind of connection to people/life again.
Strength to you,
Ingrid

nadiahoney
Posts: 15
Joined: Thu Apr 05, 2012 12:07 pm
Location: Charlottesville, VA

thanks ingrid

Postby nadiahoney » Mon Jun 02, 2014 6:49 pm

Hi, thank u. I have tried so many different antideps but I feel I have had very different chemistry every ten years or so -- and docs don't seem to get that. They only know the immediate and don't trust us to know ourselves or be honest, when I try very hard to help them help me. It's frustrating. I think it's just a very badly researched field in general. At this point they cannot help the great majority of us yet advertise that they CAN and I end up so frustrated. What are you finding re the ideation? I do agree that connection with others seems to go further than any med I have tried as of now. I am so angry all the time too. Either crying or screaming, seems to be my only two emotions anymore.

Lost Ingrid
Posts: 5
Joined: Mon Jun 02, 2014 3:33 pm
Location: Ontario Canada

Postby Lost Ingrid » Tue Jun 03, 2014 9:49 am

The brain is a very complex organ and it does change over time so your belief that every ten years it does is valid and I'm pretty sure the pDocs know that too. It sounds like maybe you need counseling or peer support: I will offer the peer support if I can. Just telling you my story may help you realize that you aren't alone and others have it just as bad (some worse).

For Bipolar there is no cure, only control of symptoms. I used to abuse alcohol too which complicated things further. I remember watching Charlie Sheen come apart in public and thinking "wow" and assuming it was drugs. Now that I have seen the inside of psych wards, it's a bit surreal as I was pretty close to as manic as he was.

When I spoke of ideation, on a good day I wake up indifferent to what the day will bring. Most days I expect the worst ending up homeless on the street because I alienated everyone I know except my mother and friend (he also has mental health issues, but he is more functional than I and Can at least get up and go to his seasonal job so that we have food). I'm typing this on a cell phone as we live in an isolated area but couldn't afford internet if it were available. I'm lonely in a way I didn't know was possible. Im starting to believe I must've done some very bad things if Karma exists. Post diagnosis, looking back over my life and realizing I had impaired judgment is daunting and it buries me.

Do you have family that you talk to? When is the last time you worked? Do you have friends? Do you exercise at all? I have a hard time leaving the house. Maybe we should private message this. I'm new to online support. Let me know.

nadiahoney
Posts: 15
Joined: Thu Apr 05, 2012 12:07 pm
Location: Charlottesville, VA

hey thank u for yr response

Postby nadiahoney » Tue Jun 03, 2014 2:51 pm

Yes, it does "reboot" but seems odd that I have to remind my shrink of this and other studies.

I too used to abuse alcohol. Oddly enough it was not hard to quit, but then, I kind of use sleep the same way. Once I realized alcohol had its limits for helping ease intense sadness and anxiety, it became useless for me so I didn't mind quitting. I have NEVER had a manic episode and I am thinking i am closer to typical depression with unspecified bipolar -- in other words I mostly just get intense minute long episodes of anger that pass and then I am exhausted and just sad, sad, sad. I have been this way since birth and it sucks and I wish I could envision a more calm way to just "be."

I used to live in the middle of nowhere too and I know how you feel, so isolated. I feel isolated even in the midst of people who are in a completely different place emotionally and mentally than me. I never ever had a lot of friends, just one good one, and now I have lost even the few I ever managed to make. People don't like to hang around negative, screwed-up types -- it's exhausting and they don't want to "catch" it. I am close to one far-away sister, despise my mother (of course) and lost my job a couple of months ago and cannot even get out of bed to look for another. I also never exercise which makes no sense since it could save me, perhaps, but I am terrified of being "seen" as I also think I am disgustingly ugly and old looking. I used to be attractive and it's much harder to suddenly age and become ugly from stress. I have nothing left to lose, no money (my mom managed to get hold of mine), no looks, no job.....nothing. No hope. I suppose I could try to exercise in the middle of the night. I live in a small town where I was bullied growing up and don't want to run into my former bullies. I know this is part and parcel of the problem, the not leaving and not exercising, but people scared me and tortured me before and it makes perfect sense. I don't get like this when I am away from this disgusting small redneck place.

Prycejosh1987
Posts: 424
Joined: Sun May 31, 2020 10:54 am
Location: Birmingham UK

Re: miserable but not suicidal -- what then?

Postby Prycejosh1987 » Sun Jun 07, 2020 2:06 pm

nadiahoney wrote:I have spent the past couple of years spiralling downhill. Don't leave my house for the most part and rarely even get out of bed. I used to have a life. Now I have a semi-death. I don't even have the energy to kill myself. What does someone do, where does one go for help if they cannot bear to live but don't want to kill themselves? I can't seem to find a place at all. My doctor is useless and just keeps trying a new medicine. He is not very smart, as I live in the South where most people are dumber than me, including doctors. (I went through med school myself and was top of my class. Now I lie in bed crying uncontrollably.)

You need to discover what works for you. Think about why you are depressed and then figure out how you can turn the tide. Be optimistic and take it from there.

Tealeaves
Posts: 75
Joined: Wed May 05, 2021 3:54 am

Re: miserable but not suicidal -- what then?

Postby Tealeaves » Wed May 05, 2021 7:14 am

Hello,
I'm not a doctor but, I like to help.

A few suggestions,
You need money, if you haven't already; try applying for social security disability. If you want to continue taking medication, talk your doctor about a stimulant; such as; Adderall, Vyvanse. I know those are ADHD medications but I know some people, that have had better success with a stimulant as opposed to Anti-depressants. Think of it like...when you look across the room at that basket of clothes that need to be folded but you just can't get moving; your brain knows what needs to be done; you just need stimulation. I can't guarantee anything because everyone is different.


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