I need help...and a lot of it. I'm not catholic, like a lot of people assumed when they heard my story. When I was younger, I would continuously confess things to my mother....everyday I was stressed, crying, going to my nans at lunch from school so I could call her and tell her all the bad things I've done that day and have been doing that I may have forgotten to tell her. This included everything from wearing low cut shirts to having a bad thought. All day long I felt guilty and sick....it made me unable to eat...etc. etc. Well when I was 17 my mother attempted suicide...It gave me pts (post traumatic stress) and mdd (major depressive disorder). I've been stressed...in and out of school...blaming myself....it's been a pure nightmare for any teenager to go through...I am 19 now and have been living with my boyfriend of four years for about 1 year now. I used to cheat on him...even when he was in the next room...I'd tell him to leave his own house so I could be with his friend (brother in law) or just take him in the room and do stuff with him while my boyfriend was in the other room and not care. I treated him badly and kept this affair going for about 4-5 or 6 months I can't really remember. Well I asked him for forgiveness and stopped for a long while...but I was still flirting with guys online...hitting on guys...and still sharing touches and kisses with his friend/s. Not only that...When I was younger I couldn't hold children, animals, someone else's food, etc. Because if anything touched my lap or I thought about anything my private areas would contract and I would sometimes get these dirty and perverted thoughts in my head. I don't want them...and it seems they return because I don't want them too and I fight them the most. ANYWAYS...I've been feeling HORRRRRRRRRRIBLE guilt lately and I can feel the depression eating my life. I had an almost unbearable guilt trip for over a week where I felt at my breaking point...I wanted to end my life. But I fought through it hoping that this was the trying to bring me out of my depression since it was the worst I had ever felt and it made me fight the depression trips even harder for fear of the guilt. Well I asked God to forgive me...and it seems he has...but I'm trying to forgive myself...I can't tell my boyfriends sister what I have done with her husband because they have 2 children together and have been together for 10 years...I would destroy their lives. I figure as long as I NEVER do it again...and I know I won't because God's wrath scared me enough to knock some sense into me...that it will be ok? I feel like I owe everyone I know an apology for having bad thoughts...and talking about them behind their back...and for my private place contracting when I hold anything they own (children, food, pillows, any belongings really) and it sends a horrible surge of guilt through me like I'm a horrible person who deserves to suffer through unbearable guilt. I know I can't confess to these people because they are not the understanding type. It would destroy lives to confess...if I behave and ask God to forgive me will this be ok? Sometimes I feel like he's gone. He taught me a lesson...but why is the guilt still there once in awhile....on top of that...what do I do? I am a human services student and study counseling and psychology...so seeking that type of help seems ineffective because I am training to become a helper myself. They said this course would be the best path for me because there’s so much self discovery...it has helped...but I know my depression has gotten worse...I'm afraid that I will be put on medication that will mask my happiness and give me a "fake happy" for the rest of my life...but I seriously can't produce my own happiness...I’ve been trying nonstop for 4 years (because I knew was depressed before that happened to my mom...it just sent me over the edge) I need help...I’m losing myself...my soul...my mind and I’m afraid my life if I don't find some kind of worth or meaning. Why are we here? I would kill myself trying to find out because I'm sick of other people waking up...getting dressed and leaving the house with a smile..like normal people..where all day everyday I can't even bring myself to want to wake up. I'm confused..I'm lost..I'm frustrated..I don't know what reality is anymore..I'm losing all sense of reality and rationalization. I'm freaking out and I know I'm strong enough to hold on...but where does it end for me? Why me? Why so soon in my life? Why didn't God give me a chance? Why does he choose some to suffer in the worst possible ways and some people live long happy fulfilled lives and they sin too!! And I know they'll be judged on their judgment day..but why is mine now??? Why am I not allowed to love life?? Why did he make me with an error in the amount of happiness my body can produce?? I try..I try hard..but it seems all in vain..I'm so helpless..lonely..and noone I know would understand this. However I did talk to my boyfriend about ALL of this and he says to let it go...God loves me and wants me to get over it..he wants me to stop harbouring guilt and forgive myself...I just hate myself. I have barely any self esteem...I have no self-worth...even thoughts of a brighter future isn't enough for me to hold on because it's like...why can't I be happy now???? WHY ME??? My boyfriend has sinned (MINOR SINS) too and he is as happy as a clam. No depression, no negative attitude...nothing but smiles and love. Is this just MY time to have struggles and it will all pass leading me into a fulfilled life? Or will this be a life-long battle like some people I know? And why doesn't God deliver them? I'm so unhappy...I need some meaning..I need some strength..some advice..something...help please. I'm at my wits end and I need help. Or I’m afraid this may be it. (also a while ago I said I hated God and gave up my faith and religion, but I asked him for forgiveness and said I'd never say it again, what will happen to me? is he still really mad at me? is that perhaps why I had that horrible week and some of a guilt trip? is that why the feelings are still bugging me once in awhile?) HELP, PLEASE!
Please no negative comments, I'm already desperate enough to ask for advice on the internet I know, but I've looked everywhere else and now I need to hear from some real people. So if you have anything negative to say, seriously, It would devastate me.
The problems I spoke about with the "holding of items" still occurs...after this long...why??? What's wrong with me??? I know other people have worse problems...but it's been pretty rough...i've been through...bulemia, anerxia, insomia, rage, abuse (from me onto other people) drug use, self-inflicted trauma, lots and lots of bad stuff. I've already started the changing process...but why the feelings still? Please if you care, be sincere when you answer me, this is real life for me...
