The Mixed Messages

[nenkohai]

Society says that we ought not think too highly of ourselves. That, somehow, its just not right... despite all the hoopla over "self-esteem" and how good it is.

Add in self-loathing.

You enter into a mobius loop that it seems there's no getting out of.

YOu have to start by "undoing" or un-learning what society has taught us. We should forget about "self-esteem" and substitute "self-compassion."

Then begins the work of undoing self-loathing. Its hard. But if you want out, you have to start that work. And the work of undoing self-loathing may take your lifetime.

There is no "poof" you're fixed. You've got to WANT to make it better. Happiness is not just given to you like a birthday present. It requires mature and intelligent work.

Start slow. One step at a time. Half step. inch by inch if you have to. But start the work and be earnest about it. "Play" at the work, and it will not work, certainly not for long.

[Frame]

Right On Nenkohai;

I was just saying somthing similar in Searching for help below.

[crystalgaze]

I'm all for throwing out & tossing what doesn't work for me.

People actually have to think something is wrong first, instead of just being oblivious, numb, tuned-out or whatever word applies for the condition....

If they have that "Something's not quite right here" feeling, the journey can begin. Otherwise, I feel it may very be a waste or that mobius loop you mentioned.

I love your post. Thanks!

[klmm]

I am not even sure how to start. Sometimes I have the courage to start, then something else happens and, like a balloon, I deflate and think, what is the point???

Self-loathing becomes a way of life I think. It clouds us so we cannot even see there is a good person hiding inside.

I need a shovel

[nenkohai]

klmm, I get that. I've DONE that.

Its been years of that cycling for me. Rebuild, deflate, rebuild, deflate, ad nauseum.

And when I started to realize how I hated what was happening to me, I started swearing a lot. I got angry.

Then I just sorta froze. Stopped in place.

I asked myself, do I deflate because of what people say? Because of what people do? Then, I swore some more. Because I can not control what people say or do. And when people do or say something, 90% of the time, its about THEM. NOT about me. They are NOT thinking about ME or making judgements of ME. They are immersed in their own world and worldview.

And since they are, in reality, wrapped-up in themselves, how does it make any sense to fish-out how I'm supposed to be feeling about myself based on THEIR perception of me? That's like looking at myself in a fun-house mirror and accepting it as how I really look. Yeah, no kidding.

How can anyone be objective about who you really are? They can't. Its impossible.

So, the trick, for me, was to stop trying to understand and see myself through someone else's perceptions of me.

Its no joke that that is a HUGE de-programming task! It requires nearly constant mindfulness.