I'm not who I was

[nenkohai]

I am not the person I was a year ago. I know, who is? But, there are parts of me you would find unrecognizable.

When you knew me, I was already heading towards a bad place. And in four months time, my life would be a smoking hole in the ground.

On the other hand, I really don't think you ever understood me. You were self-consumed by what you wanted rather than seeing my pending implosion. The signs were there for the world to see, but for some reason, you did not. Perhaps it was willful blindness on your part.

I said things; did things that were so grossly unskilled. And I remain accountable to those things and the karma it has generated. That karma will be with me until the next life.

I stay away from you and do not communicate with you because it is the single most compassionate thing I can do. For us both. For ALL of us.

meanwhile, I am paying on this. And paying. and paying. and paying. There is layer upon layer of consequence you have never seen. Or ever will

Concurrently, I've engaged in a self-rescue. Of course, I had help, but the effort was all mine. My spiritual paradigm has shifted - because, I was looking for spiritual guidance a year ago, from Spirit itself. If the guidance was there, I did not hear or see it. But, most likely it was not there. Or at least, in the way that I wanted.

And yet, in all of this, I have developed mercy towards myself. And compassion. This is the core of my self-rescue. I had to release all of my self-hatred; and my pining of you.

I know that I've caused you pain. I also know that you have caused yourself pain. Conversely, know that you caused me pain. And that, also, I've caused myself pain. My accountability and karma rests with me. And yours, with you. I won't assume a load larger than I must carry, as my load takes all of my might. Besides, its not logical that I try to assume your karma as well... because, that's not how it works.

In this all, I've arrived at Buddhism as a core part of my self-rescue. As a Buddhist, I am trying to lens all that I think and say and do through compassion. One of my greatest acts of compassion and mercy is to not have any contact with you whatsoever. It is the right and only thing to do. It is a skilled response to an unskilled event.

So, I bid you go in peace from me as I have from you. It is the way of compassion.

K.

[jj]

((((((nenkohai))))))