Depression Understood Forums

This is my first time posting and I appreciate any help I can get.

I feel like I do have some sort of depression and probably have so for several years now. There are certain situations that happen which push me into a deep funk, I have nausea and knots in my stomach and just overall feel very down.

I got into medical school and recently finished my first term. Getting in was definitely challenging and along the way has made me question my intelligence and competence. Before getting in, I worked for several years in a research lab as a research assistant (only having a bachelors) and surrounded by those either completing their PhD's or already having their PhD's. The working environment definitely did take a toll on me because I would be treated as a lowly assistant who was just a pair of hands while these people were the intelligent ones who deserved respect and there just definitely was this heirarchy.

When I told them I was going to med. school I could get a sense of "you, really????" as if they could not believe it because they think they are better and smarter than me. I have this ability to sense people very well and sometimes it does more harm than good. But actually I have directly been told very mean things by some of these people and my goodness it has definitely affected me very much. I think even more so because I've also heard some pretty abusive and negative things from my parents, things that stick with me very much.

Recently I was invited to this get together with some of the people I used to work with (since I am vacation now). I went because I kind of felt obligated. There was a group of people there and as soon as questions were directed at me about what I am doing and all this I felt this anxiety because in my mind I know these people don't think very much of me. I was not articulate at all and in fact even called something medical by the wrong name and even made downright stupid comments throughout the gathering. At this point I felt these people were trying to test me, to gauge whether I was lying about actually attending medical school. They were talking me to as if I was the lowest of the low, no brains, etc.

I am just disappointed in myself, disappointed in the fact that I struggle so much with confidence and it shows in these situations. I feel as if I have portrayed myself so negatively to these people and have 'deserved' their negative thoughts about me. I am just in a deep funk right now and I don't know how to get over it. The past couple of nights I can't sleep, I have this huge knot in my stomach, feel like throwing up, think of myself as a stupid and worthless human being. I just don't know what to do and how I can not allow these people opinions of my to affect me so greatly.

I would appreciate any advice anyone can give. Thank you for reading.

I'm also someone who finds self-confidence very difficult.
I often feel " out of my depth " at work, feeling as if I lack the training and experience to do my job well, as if I'm not able to work as fast as everyone else, etc, etc...And, as my managers are aware of my depression/anxiety I sometimes feel that my low self-confidence leads to them having less confidence in me, which in turn further dents my own self-confidence, and so on...So I can very much appreciate how you feel.
What I often find helpful to " steer my way " out of this cycle of " funk " is to focus on positive, reassuring, and indisputable facts. Eg:

You DID get into medical school. This being the case, several trained, experienced, medical professionals must, logically, have reached a rational and well-founded judgement that you ARE capable of commencing, following and completing the course of study on which you are embarked.

You HAVE completed your first term. This would, logically, seem to confirm their judgement as above. The fact that you have completed the first term would seem to indicate that, logically, there is no reason why you should not complete the second, and so on, until you gain your medical degree.

So, if there's nothing wrong with you...How about we try another thing that helps me, " reframing ", looking at things from a different perspectiveI find myself wondering about the people you were talking to...And, a thought occurs to me...I wonder if at least some of these people were, at least slightly jealous of you?
You say that you're at " medical school ". Now that implies to me that you're studying to be a doctor, or some similar medical professional.
So, isn't it possible that they were slightly jealous of you. I mean you're starting this whole new " life ", going in this whole new direction. And, what are they doing? One minute you're their lab assistant, and now you're on your way to being a doctor! ( Respect is due! )

Unless those people were your friends who knew you for an amount of time their comments mean little. People tend to be self centered and not care about how their actions affect others. They don't know you personally so how can they make any judgments about you? The problem we encounter is thinking that other humans think, act, and feel as we do which is why I believe certain negative comments have such an impact on us.

I realize it is hard to restore confidence without outside help you might want to try coming up with a mantra to go over in your mind when you have feelings of low confidence.

For instance: I have anxiety problems and when I feel that way I start saying I am in control, I have power, I am at peace. Our brains are wonderfully powerful things that influence us. Simply by saying things over and over without even necessarily believe them will have a profound affect on your psyche. You already know this from the negative comments you have received over the years.

Hi Rainbow,

And congrats for making your first post. It takes a lot of guts to make that first step into a forum so awfully personal. Once you do I know many worry about what others mighht say and so on but the truth is that what you say is accurate. It's how you feel. Others will make comments as that is what you have requested.

Any comments are made by people trying to help and if it isn't something you think is right you can choose to just disregard it or discuss it. Some get angry and attack people for trying their best and hitting a sore spot. That's life isn't it?

But truly, well done on going into print.

There are a few things which stand out to me from your post. The first is where you say "Only a Bachelor's". Really, Only a Bachelor's. Come on, that's way better than most people achieve in their whole lives. Be proud of that for starters. Be proud for yourself, nobody else as it means nothing to anyone but you, and employers of course.

What others think of your achievments is irrelevant. Yes, there are cliques everwhere you go and they will treat "outsiders" as garbage if you let them. Do not be intimidated. Say how you feel when they say something demeaning. Practice some retorts if you like as they rarely occur to us at the right time, do they? I usually have the right reyort days later, too late.

Don't play their games, don't let them see you have been affected. Just say something blunt like "Is that supposed to be a put down? Sorry, try someone else".

The more you accept the more thay will dare you see, you have to draw the line. It's bullying, plain and simple. Never back down to bullies, except perhaps when it's physical and you may get hurt.

But the key statement in your post is this :

"I think even more so because I've also heard some pretty abusive and negative things from my parents, things that stick with me very much."

Our parents are certainly responsible for much of our personality and negative attacks as you refer to are so damaging it's hard to believe. The younger you are when they are said it seems the worse the damage is.

Why? Simply because in our early years we learn what sort of person we are going to be. We trust our parents of course and when they do what yours have you accept the message and look for reinforcement of that in most things others say and do.

I'd suggest some form of training to help you become more, can't think of the right word here, someone help please, aggressive, or outwards. I hope you know what I mean. Ahh, yes, assertiveness training where you learn to assert yourself and your opinion at the time there's a problem. Not a month later as the other people have forgotten. That's the word, assertivness.

It's all about believing in yourself, regardless of your past. Look at the good achievements, a Bachelor's is just such a thing. You're in med school, that in itself is a great achievement and something to be proud of.

Where others already have honours etc and they try putting you down for where tou are ask them what point are they trying to make. Ask them what their knowledge was like during term one. Ask them if they are worried you might turn out a better doctor than them.

See where I'm going here? Make them justify why they do that garbage. It's all about their egos, that's it. But get them to answer, don't tell them.

Turn it around so they are in the spotlight and not you. Their "friends" will soon turn on them too, you'll see. But at the end of the exchange say something about you not wanting to make enemies for no reason and you're happy to work with anyone if they treat you as an equal.

There's nothing wrong with your intelligence, you didn't get there through being dumb. Of course there will always be people with better skills, higher IQ's, more money and so on. But so what? How does that affect you? You don't know if their home lives are good or nightmares causing them to take it out on others.

Live for yourself first and foremost, always. Not selfishly, just to ensure you take care of you so you can be the person others want and need. Such a person will always work better with patients and achieve better results and appeal to others as a friend also.

If you are suffering badly then see a doctor but don't go to meds at this stage please. Get referred to a psych and have a talk about it and perhaps get them to do the assertiveness training. Often therapy is all we need early on. But do talk about your parents too as they are so dominantly influential in our lives.

Good luck and let's know when you graduate.

Light - Agree big time.

Tackling - You too have the right message and knowledge to deal with this so stick to it and don't forget to reinforce yourself with extra courses etc if and when they come up. Often work-places provide such courses you see so if they do, take advantage of them. It will also show your boss you mean to improve so it's win/win.

Well said.