Am I Depressed?

[eekers]

Let me start by saying that I'm kind of scared to go see someone about how I feel because honestly I sometimes think I just need to "get over it". Sometimes I feel like I'm being whiny or ungrateful, since most people would probably say I have a good life. Mostly I feel like there is probably nothing wrong (as in a physical problem) with me and I'd just waste a doctor's time...

I think I've struggled with this since at least 6th grade, on and off. Kind of this nagging feeling that I was worthless/uninteresting and I should just stay out of peoples way. I feel like I just have a general apathy towards everything (of which I have been told by numerous 'friends' in my life) and it's a real struggle for me to enjoy things. In some ways, I get why I've been called me ungrateful, because it just seems like things don't make me happy like they should. But it isn't that I can't appreciate what has been given to me, I just don't experience a genuine feeling of happiness. A lot of times, I just pretend to be happy/excited to avoid arguments or hurting people's feelings. Is that the way happiness should be? I don't recall a time when it wasn't...

Practically everything bores me or just seems stupid. I have never been suicidal by any means, though I find that I do spend a lot of time thinking about death in general (I think this was triggered by my uncle's death in Jan of 2009). Since his death, I lost a grandmother in Jan 2010, a grandfather in Mar 2010 and my boyfriend's sister passed in December. I can't really rationalize feelings about her death. I almost feel as if I don't have a right to be sad. I think about her family and how they must feel, and it makes me feel stupid for crying because it's so much worse for them. I think that might be a weird way to feel, I don't know...

I learned in 2009 that I don't deal with death well. It was almost as if I became a different person for many months following my uncle's death. I made a lot of decisions I look back on and think, "Oh my God, what the hell was I doing? That is NOT me!!" I guess this might be normal for someone who has never lost anyone before? Or sometimes I just think I used his death to rationalize my behaviors...

I tend to blow people off, because I don't really enjoy going out. So I don't have many friends because I just never want to go do anything. Following my boyfriend's sister's death, I also have a lot of irrational anger. I think I pick fights with him, or at least get much more upset over small things I used to let go.

I wonder if I should seek help? But then I think "what good will it do, you're not depressed. You don't need pills because you aren't suicidal and you manage fine without them. You just want them to make your life easier. You have nothing to be upset about. You're just too lazy to even make yourself happy." Is that normal? Why am I like this?!? Is this depression?

[kate]

Hi

I think personally you should see your doctor. Just for a check. I didnt think I was depressed till a close relative suggested I went to the docs. You can recover from depression and there are loads of services available to help. Dont worry about it, easier said often, but a check up is worth while.

All the best and wishing you positive mental health

K

[Obayan]

Hi. Self diagnosis is rarely correct. There are so many different illnesses out there and the symptoms overlap so badly it really does take a trained professional to accurately diagnose it. That being said, seeing a therapist can also get you going on a good program to fit your specific needs. There is hope. Don't give up fighting.

[eekers]

I think I will make an appointment with the counseling services here on campus. They're free, if anything maybe they can point me in the right direction... I just don't wanna find out I'm "crazy" but I know it sounds silly...

[Obayan]

Depression doesn't mean crazy hon. And just because you get a diagnosis, doesn't mean you suddenly have it. It's just putting a name to what you already deal with every day. But once it's named, you can begin to fight it more effectively.

[eekers]

Hey I never thought of it that way, thanks!

[Mysticalflame]

I know, depression isn't something that medicine can cure, unlike a cold or fever.

That's why I feel the same as you, if only we can be more courageous and be more strong, maybe we can overcome this "sadness" or "worthlessness".

If you do not wish to see a doctor (& get medicine), maybe you can go talk to a professional, a counsellor. Because you aren't talking to people, you're trapped in your own head. Maybe talking to other people may shed some light to why you're feeling this way.

Take care & please know that you're not alone in feeling this way. (:

[eekers]

Sometimes I feel like this"

"If depression is caused by the mind, then it can be fixed by the mind"

I guess kind of like willpower? But I know sometimes depression has like biological causes, such as receptor problems and all kinds of different things being 'off-balance' for some genetic reason. And it stands to reason these things wouldn't be simply a willpower issue. But, I often feel like if this isn't the case, then I am just a weak person and need to 'suck it up,' more or less.

Is there any way you can test for chemical imbalances?? I think either way, just knowing for sure would help me...

Also I get stomach aches and headaches a lot... My boyfriend gets irritated, saying I'm always complaining about feeling crappy and that it's just in my head... I really do feel like I'm always under the weather, but I can't remember the last time I actually had a fever//went to the doc for something 'real'. It makes me wonder if the 'depression' I experience is just in my imagination too... Any experiences with this?