Reflecting

[Jake61186]

"We all imagine ourselves the agents of our destiny, capable of determining our own fate. But have we truly any choice in when we rise or when we fall? Or does a force larger than ourselves bid us our direction? Is it evolution that takes us by the hand? Does science point our way? Or is it God who intervenes, keeping us safe?" ~ Mohinder Suresh -- Heroes Season 1 Episode 2

As this new year begins, I would like to settle a few things about myself. I know that I can be a friendly person. I have always tried to maintain solid friendships with people. I do not want to complain anymore. More than anything, it would be nice to know that I can be genuine and not a fraud with a facade. I hope that people can recognize that despite my struggles with a learning disability, depression, anxiety, and my sexuality, I am still the same person. I know that I am a handsome individual with many positive features of my body. Despite not being happy with my body because I am overweight at this time, I know that I am still attractive and I can obtain a person who will respect and understand my feelings of my (at the moment) lack of self-worth. I want to be able to be in a job where people are able to respect and understand that there is a person who struggles with certain things and may need a bit more of a push to get things done. If it is possible, if someone knows that there is a job out there where this is possible, tell me. This has been a year of total struggles for me most of which has been on an internal level. I am not ashamed to admit this--but, I did attempt to kill myself this year. Why? I think more than anything it was because I have struggled with so much and just needed that one special panacea to get rid of all the pain I have endured. I can hope that my medication works well. I need to find genuine happiness and to find people who share in my levels of comfort and discomfort. I am willing to do whatever I can to make sure that I can find the right kind of healthy relationships with people. I do not want people to associate me with always needing people to feel sorry for me. I chose this quote from Heroes because I feel it embodies the moment of the year and how I feel. I guess that in its own way, Heroes became a bit of a religion for me because of whoever wrote these little sentiments that were said either before the show or as the show was finishing. Religion as it is right now is tricky because I do believe there is some higher power out there, but I do not know whether or not "He" is showing me the way I need to be. Judaism is difficult because the Hebrew was made more difficult by people and made it desirable to pay attention to or even to learn. Some day I would like to go back and learn, really learn what the Hebrew means and maybe even write my own version of a prayer book that may appeal to the greater masses. I would like to find a way to also get into a graduate school and do really well and find myself being proud of my accomplishments. College was such a mess for me that I don't ever want to relive that experience ever again. I want to know that I am not the only one who cares about the material, there must be some way to do course work that makes it possible that others care about the information. I miss having the type of class where I have to think and really explore the material as I did towards the end of college. Those professors who I had know what I am referring to. I would also to find a way to use my Spanish in such a way that I never lose it. This language is so valuable and it is a shame that so many people don't understand why it is so important to learn it. If you are going to take a foreign language, take Spanish. Sorry, but that's my opinion and I'm sticking by it. Being reflective certainly takes a lot out of you. I feel bad for those people who I can not forgive, not yet, but the "Tom's" and "Dave's" and "Lysa's" or others like them, I wish I could find a way to forgive each of you, but if it is possible to be psychologically damaged by an individual, then tragically I have suffered this fate. Depression is such a crutch for who a person is--but when it comes down to it, it is chemical and can be caused by any number of things. It would be nice to not having physical pain from something that has affected you, but that has recently become part of the case. I have been affected by so much and by others who have ruined my confidence, self-worth, self-love, and passion for being alive that I do not know how to reconcile with that. I want to be honest with those around me and feel that they can be confident with me. Serenity too would be nice to have as it is something that would be calming. The sky is this light blue with hints of pink-purple and the Blue Mountains are as blue as they usually are. It certain feels like Fall here, but one can not be certain in this day and age what is Fall and what is Summer just fading away. I do not want to be crying anymore, I want to feel that tears are normal, but do not need to be ever present. The grass is verdant, but definitely dying. I must say, this definitely feels good to have written this.

Jake

[Obayan]

Solice can come in many different forms. I'm glad you found yours here in our forums. It is also good to see you in the chat room and watch as you learn and grow. You did good here my friend.

Sending warm wish and huge hugs to you.

Obayan