My Journal (Triggering Material)

[Frame]

it's a Haiku. You can too.

5 syllables; then 7 syllables; then 5 syllables
The only other requirement is that it convey some sense of season.

Oh, and how's the origami coming?

[CrazyLady17]

Thank you.
Your replies made me smile a lot

See? That's exactly what I mean? People help and support me and then they decide to leave and I end up suffering even more and end up self harming more and more.
It's so unfair I get left like this, I et to all thrown back in my face. Why? I don't know.

Okay thank you.

Frame;
I suppose you are right in some ways yes....
But you would see me as a stronger person though wouldn't you? But when I look in the mirror all I see is a disappointment, a monster and a weak weak girl. That's all I see myself as. Horrible eh?
Okay I will do. Thank you.

Yes they have art things here..

And yes it's coming along okay thank you

[CrazyLady17]

Well today's been rubbish as normal!
Been stuck indoors in this shitty hospital and having the duty nurse checkin up one every bloody half hour as they are very concerned about me and worry I'll try and escape again. Well....
I have another escape plan to get out of this hospital ASAP!!! I feel so trapped, I feel like a prisoner and like I'll never escape, but I have to escape I can't stay here any longer... Can I? No! I'm going crazy! Ahhhh!'

I see no light at the end of the tunnel I'm afraid, and if I'm totally honest it does scare me a lot.
Might as well just go die right now, depressjon is beating me and I can't fight it any longer. Especially on my own.

Still feel completely alone, it sucks rotten eggs.
I can't stop crying my eyes out, I have urges to self harm again. I feel like a monster.

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well today isn't going well at all... Got a such an aggressive text from my parents and them telling me how much I disappoint th and how much of a mistake I am to them. Oh wow. I do feel loved by them..... NOT!!
Makes me so angry and makes me feel so suicidal and hurt inside.
My parents are pretty harsh and mean to me, no-one seems to are about me, no-one seems to care I am suffering a great deal.
I just get left all alone to suffer with all this pain alone and to suffer with my depression.

I have no family.
What is family?
I don't know what is family anymore.

Thank you for listening.

[Frame]

I think there is more than enough pain to go around for everyone in your family. And I know it can be easier to drop off a bunch of merchandise (even if it is what you wanted) than to actually talk or more importantly, to listen.

I know your parents aren't acting like adults. (I have know parents to act like them from time to time.)

But did you thank them for the presents?

[CrazyLady17]

I am suffering more than pain though. I am suffering death, I am slowly dying. Don't you see that? Because I see that within myself. And it scares the heck outta me. In tears because of it actually.

Exactly, my parents are acting like children, so childish infact.
They are so mean an I hate them right now.

Yes I did thank them for my presents and they called me ungrateful. How care they, I said thank you!!

[Glad2bme]

It's just another way to get to know someone. Nice thing about a diary is it's a way to get to know one's own self too.

Miscarriages are sad, however, considering your situation the timing to actually have twins right now could have put you in way over your head. Kind of a mixed blessing. Sad that you lost a baby, glad that it was twins so you still have a baby that may go to term now. Sad that you don't have the support to help you be ready for a baby or deal with your grief over the child you lost.

I had a miscarriage when I was separated from my first husband but within a short time I realized that because my life was so chaotic at the time that it really would have been impossible for me to take care of the son I already had and a newborn in that situation.

Mom's do impossible stuff all the time anyway, so I guess I would have managed somehow. Would have had to ask for and get a lot of help I guess, but I wound up looking it as a blessing - as awful as that sounds. All the baby decisions were off the table and I was dealing with less stress after the worst that could happen DID happen. Ironic I know.

So here is a thought. Tell us ONE thing that you do just for yourself and your own mental health every day. It will make you DO something good for yourself and it will be something for others to look forward to hearing as well. A public diary can be used to keep yourself accountable and get some positive feedback as well.

[CrazyLady17]

Thank you.

It is very sad indeed,
I've lost both twins now you know?
I'm not pregnant at all now
It's NOT a blessing at all, it's heartbreaking for me. It may be a blessing for you, but for me it's heartbreaking end of!!!

What's the point?
I'm in hospital and I feel weak as a button....
I won't be leaving here for a while, so I give up.

This journal is to help me open up to people thats all.

[CrazyLady17]

Well my night has been eventful I must admit....
Been crying a lot tonight and I feel so lost and my parents are starting to ignore me again and starting to think I am such a disappointment to them. Well maybe I should just run away and escape, that'll make everybody happy... Right? Of course it would.
I am not loved by anyone... Am I? Nope. That's so hurtful and painful

But gotta say something good has come out of tonight;
Gone and got myself a new improved mum and she is so awesome and I adore her so much.
She is amazing

I feel suicidal.
This hospital is starting to seriously annoy me now!!
Don't like being here.

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well got to say today has been pretty erm something..... I must admit hmm...
Getting bullied by my "so called friends".. Wow that's pretty harsh, seem as I have done nothing wrong to them? Have I? No!
Telling me I should just go die etc... Harsh or what eh? Made me cry; so new crying for most of the day

All I need is a cuddle from my mum, but she lives so far away!!
Mum;
If you see this.... Please can I have a cuddle?
I need you.

I feel so lonely, so isolated. I feel like shutting the world off and going to sleep and not waking up again.
My life is pretty much over... Isn't it?

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well today's been so painful, but I've gotten through it.
Thank you to the help of the staff here and my nee mum of course

Also great news;
I've gone a day without self harming yay!!!
So proud of myself, actually can't believe I've done it.
Let's hope I can reduce the self harm more and more as the weeks go on.

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well I hope today is a little better than yesterday.....
Woke up feeling messed up and don't know why, also had a massive go at the duty nurse and told her to f*** off... Ops
Now feel so bad.

I don't know what my mood is today...
I want cuddles, I want love, I want someone to visit me.
I feel alone, very alone, completely alone infact.
I just want someone to care for me and to be here for me.
Is that too much to ask for?

The bullying hasn't and probably won't stop- had enough.

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well today has been quite emotional after saying my last goodbyes to my old support worker... Can't believe she has left me. Makes me feel ever so lonely and more an more depressed and suicidal.
Had bad strong urges to self harm today, but managed to keep myself distracted....

Made some more origami and made a teddy bear and a phone woo

Feel quite proud of myself!

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Today's been a bad bad day for me....
Been struggling with suicidal thoughts and strong urges to self harm, but managed to stay distracted and I didn't self harm!!!
But feeling very depressed and low tonight and thinking about crying myself to sleep or just not sleeping at all tonight..

I've had enough for this year.
Bring on 2014!
Hopefully it'll be a much better year for me(fingers crossed)!!

I just need my new mum here.
I need her to give me cuddles right now, I need to cry to someone... Any offers? Please?
Am struggling a lot.

Thank you for listening.

[CrazyLady17]

Well.....
It's finally 2014 hmm.... Let's hope this year brings me some hope eh?!!
Watched the fireworks on the tv over London eye, so wishing I was there they are such amazing and beautiful fireworks!!!
Brought a right smile to my face.

Just wish I had my family and Rosie here with me.
So ending up crying and it's only just the start of 2014.
Wow this is rubbish.


Thank you for listening.