DESTRUCTIVE URGE

[xn728]

so much pain ,i come on to see how my freinds are doing ,and the pain is just to much ,im to sensative to take much more ,my words are wearing thing ,and im choked as to what i can do to help ,i dont know if i can do this anymore ,its like seeing someone beaten in front of you and being held back so you cant help ,,,,,,shit

[lisalou]

i think we are all quite bad at the moment but fear not ken, your words do help

[shatteredhopes]

But you are not helpless...you have been so helpful. Your kind words of support and caring mean so much. When you and others support me it gives me momentary strength. I wish I could do the same for you, my brother, my friend. I understand it hurts to see others in the same kind of pain you feel, but if we can hang on it to each other and boost others when we cannot boost ourselves, its something...and to me its worth a lot. You and others are helping me hang on and not harm myself. Don't you think that's worth something?

[xn728]

sorry ,shouldent have let it out here ,can you understand how angry i feel to see you all like this ,i feel like i cant cpoe sometimes ,i try to keep us all going but i cant ,my own pain i can cope with ,most of the time ,but to see some of you struggle daily ,up and down ,at least my days are all down ,i dont have to wake to dissapiont ment ,i know whats coming ,it only that i care about Everyone ,i get like this ,you know ,feel bloody silly now,,,,,,,,,,ken

[xn728]

monty im much better ,forgot to mention you ealier, im ok today ,got a little upset earlier ,but its passed ive tried to chill a bit today ,but i get bored easily ,i cleaned the car ,and ive been painting the shelves in my greenhouse ,the garden is small so that dont take much tidying ,sundays are always hard for me ,but im gonna revamp my itunes library so that will keep me busy,,,,so catch you all later ,,,,,,,,night ken

[xn728]

crying seems to make me feel better,but i cry now ,as i looked at a post
and as i replied i realised what i have become ,without me knowing ,such a simple thing pointed it out to me ,ive lost my identity

[xn728]

we,ll it seems since my do with the meds ,ive managed to destroy ,everything i stood for ,words fail me ,i was trick again and fell into the trap ,this is why im loathed to share ,my blood has been replaced by poison ,and like in my dreams ,good things ,have now become just a trail of destruction and meaning less rantings ,i had only this one gift ,and the visitor has taken that from me ,i can feel that something has changed ,and it isnt good ,,,,,,sorry ken

[xn728]

words are very important to me ,a wrong word can be so devastating said in the wrong way ,given without a meaning ,a word could be looked at many differant ways ,differant meanings to differant people ,
my words are only possible ,to be written because the pain i have and do suffer nightly never leaves me ,my words my be steps for someone to climb out of there darkness ,to lift someone who is weak and cannot carry themselve ,these words have been paid for ,and the price was very great
but i give them freely to anyone who needs them ,but please if they become just words and have no other meaning to you ,tell me and i will save them for another place ,because the pain i feel here creatates these words of comfort to ,and i dont bear this pain easily ,so when i speak to you and you know longer know what im saying ,dont answer and i will understand ,,,,,,,xn728 ,,,,,,,,,ken i have stood alone all my life ,sometimes its safer ,when i draw my sword ,i wont strike anyone by accident ,,,,,

[xn728]

ah well here i am ,this is the longest thread ive ever had ,ought to rename it misery hole ,i feel very unhappy at this time ,and i feel low ,and i mean low .i despise myself and i really do feel like withdrawing and kicking it all in the pants i wait each day for something better ,but theres no change ,not in my depression of course ,but in this strange attitude ive aquired.i dont like it one bit but its in my head and its driving me at the moment ,i keep checking to make sure i havent been nasty
and unless ive missed something i think im ok ,but i feel like everything i say means nothing its like someone cast a spell ,and i cant see what ive written ,means myself ,it looks ok ,but it feels differant ,oh yes you can feel words i know that myself ,,any way ill leave it there for now
goodnight anyone who looks ,my freinds ,,,,night ,,,,,,,,,,,,,ken

[xn728]

my dear freinds the visitor has won and im spouting more crap that cant possibly help anyone ,the one thing i had ,has left me ,it may as we,ll have cut out my tounge ,now i do really have nothing but darkness,
read the good words i wrote and stand up and stay strong always ,mich ,shatteredhopes,lisalou,monty, aim, aurelia so sorry i missed you a5 , crybaby1086,Onika ,and warmie girl and all my dear freinds,,,,,,,,,,,this is like ripping out my own heart,,,,,,,,ken,xn728.the lightening,,,,aaaaarrrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

((((((((((((((((((((((( Ken ))))))))))))))))))))))))

All I can give is the hug and the hope that you don't allow the darkness to take you from us.

Warmie

[Mich]

Your words have carried me through many days. Thank you for that. I hope the visitor loosens it's grip today and you get some relief. Please do whatever you can to prop yourself up and fight it. It is so so hard, I know. Perhaps turn to your music early today to find some comfort or get some nice fresh air out in your garden. Please keep up the fight and keep sharing here as often as is good for you.

[lisalou]

your words help me too ken, you are not useless, you have more than the darkness - you have us. i think mich had a good idea, listen to your music or play with the ferrets or spend some time with your darling fran or look at pictures of you and your lovely daughters. maybe distract yourself by looking up stuff you like on the internet like aircraft and punk music? hope you get a bit more peace of mind

[xn728]

i will do these things for you all ,my mind is so jumbled up ,ill try to talk to my self tonight when the house is qeuit,and i can think clearly ,if i lose it again ,it will be final i know ,i will tell the doc tommorrow but i will be scared ,i dont want to lose my freinds ,,,,thanks for your lift up
i have a vision of us all in a nice park and im bending down
so you can all take a good run up and kick me in the arse ,,,,lol
im sure it would help ,,,my dear freinds ,,,,,,,ken

[xn728]

my brain ,full of rooms and corridoors ,safe places ,russ lays here ,asleep safe and warm ,the things he went through ,so young so hurt ,so misunderstood ,lay still my dear child inside ,it is only i who look over you now ,i belong to the dark shape now ,it cannot harm you ,ssssshhhh
sleep on russ sleep on , here the room were i can sometimes go ,empty
and cold no floor or roof or walls ,but here i lay ,when pain allows me nothing else ,and many other doors along the endless corridoors in my mind ,rooms were behind the doors would be death ,were i would fall forever and die over and over ,rooms were my life past and its demons eat and tear my flesh ,and this room ,were my freinds from afar have faces ,and we sit and talk ,and comfort ,and faces light up with the passing kind words ,its comfy and warm ,and theres always a welcome
and an hi ,hey ,or hello girl mean so much ,speicial words for speicial
people ,this is my mind and i will use what little i own of it to see more clearly ,and wont allow myself to become blind again ,,,,bless you all,,,ken