Feeling at my lowest (Triggering)

[CrazyLady17]

I can't do this anymore.
I need someone to tell me "everything will be okay".
I feel so weak. I feel so poorly.
I feel like a monster, what's wrong with me?
I feel so anxious?

I've reached my breaking point.
Feel like I'm having a mental breakdown.
"Suicidal" thoughts are getting stronger and stronger thoughout the day and I'm trying so hard to distract myself, but it's hard.

[Frame]

Let me first say that CrazyLady17 has agreed to let me put some private messages in posts. Of course if any other moderators feel this is out of line they can take down the post. Also if any members feel this way just say so.

I always say it's better to use the public forum, because more people can see, and learn, and teach. I think that's what you want, isn't it. I'd be happy to take this conversation public, but only if you feel OK with it. We're not really discussing things too different from your public posts, right?

Well if you want- you can put some of you're replies from here to public? I don't mind and if it will help then go for it Smile

Why are you ignoring me?!!!!!!

You seriously wanna see me hurt myself? Sad

_________________
Live life to the max
Never say never
Never give up.
My scars tell the real story.

So here's the thing. I take that as a threat and I don't like being threatened. Especially in private. I have multiple reasons for posting this:

The main reason is that no member should feel they have to put up with threats from any other members and I want to make that statement publicly. No one here should let them selves be abused under cover of privacy.

The second reason is to answer your question, Lady, of what I want. I accept that you can say how you feel. I urge you to do so, but what I want is for you to show more respect for your self and the people on this sight. Mixed in with all this show of pain and worthlessness, I want to see you acknowledge (whether you feel like it or not) that you have worth; that you have made it three days and counting. Say how you feel, yes of course, but let's have a little more respect.

Lastly; I apologize that 20+ responses in a little over two days isn't enough. Most posts get 1-3. I won't say again, that we all have lives full of struggle here, and we're simply not awake 24 hours a day. I have to say your attitude is a little triggering only because you have mentioned that don't want to see your councilor (the one who's payed to do this) again.

So to recap; I want you to tone it down a bit because your posts might be called triggering. I want you to show more respect for yourself and others here. I want you to keep posting, but I want you to start helping yourself and show your at least trying to help your self by posting about the things your doing to help your self.

[CrazyLady17]

Firstly Frame- I'm sorry.
Secondly- it wasn't a threat at all, but call it whatever you want because it's obvious I am not wanted on this site. And don't want to argue with you or anyone else, because it'll make matters worse for myself, you and others. So I'm leaving that one there thank you.

I will keep on saying I'm sorry till you and others accept it!
I get that, but you say you want to help, but then ignore me? And it makes me angry and it hurts me a little I admit that okay.
I'm new to all this and it's overwhelming okay?

Want me to make it easier for you frame and everyone else?
Want me to leave this site and not post again?
Because if that's what you and others want I'll leave.....
I don't want to upset you or anyone in that matter.

Well to be honest- I can't say anything helps me at the moment, because nothing does!!!
I can't control my feelings you know? Believe me if I could I would!! I can't help that I'm having "suicical" thoughts, it's not easy to forget about them And distract myself you know Frame?!!
It's pretty hard. I'm trying my damn hardest here.
But that's obvious not enough and I'm sorry for that.

I will just not post anymore.
Is that better?

[Frame]

I think what might be better is for you to read all of what people write.

No one has said they want you to stop posting.

They and I, on the contrary, have said they want you to keep posting.

[Frame]

I'm not expecting you to control your feelings (not all the time). But there are many people (I am one) who don't have access to a councilor. I would like to know why you choose not to make use of a resource you do have, that can help you with your feelings.

[CrazyLady17]

I have read all the posts on my thread?
What more do you want from me?

Re-read my post Frame? Okay?
Will explain everything....
I can't help the way I feel, I can't help having these bad feelings. It's just how I feel.

I used to have a counsellor it didn't work, so I stopped going end of!!!

I know you all want me to leave....
You're just not saying it as it'll hurt me

I will never fit in, I'm just so worthless and so screwed up aren't i?

[Frame]

It makes a certain amount of sense that you wouldn't trust me. After all, who am I? Where's my certificate? On the other hand if you assume everyone here is lying, well, that could be a problem. What can I say?

That's what makes it even more important that you see a professional. So the question I ask yet again is, what stops you from seeing your councilor again?

[CrazyLady17]

I never said I didn't trust you Frame? So why on earth are you saying that?!! I do trust you.... Well sort of.. I do have major trust issues though, so will take time to build up the trust.
Why on earth are you being so damn harsh towards me?

What problem?
I just feel so worthless and screwed up? I can't help feeling that way can I? No! It's my depression talking of course. And I thought you would understand that, as this is a depression understood formus.

Because I don't want to see my counsellor again, it made thing a lot worse and I don't want to go down that road again as I landed in hospital after attempting suicide after re-living my past with my counsellor. Does that make it more clearer for you?

[no_answer]

CrazyLady17,
welcome to the forum.
One of the reazons you don't get too many replies is that the forum by definition is a place for energy-deprived people. Not that there is anything wrong with them or with you, bur reaching out to help someone is sometimes just as difficult as reaching out to get help.
You are in a better position than most on this forum by just marshalling enough motivation to ask for help.
Myself, I got exhausted by just typing this reply, but I wish I had something to say/type that would help.

Take care and hold on. It will get better, just because it cannot get worse. Your friend taught you an invaluable lesson of the cruelty of suicide, by doing so to prevent you from doing the same to others you might not intend to hurt the way you are hurting now.

[CrazyLady17]

Aww thank you for the welcoming, means a lot.

Ah okay :/
I understand totally I do... It's just I came here because I thought you all understood and would know why I'm feeling so desparte to get support and the comfort I need....
But thank you for making that more clearer for me.

Hmm suppose so...
Hmm lets not remind myself my best friend committed suicide and left me to suffer and left me to blame myself more and more every single day
Makes me have the horrible bad feelings...
I'm starting to give up slowly and more and more I'm failing to beat my depression.

[no_answer]

Sorry if my reply made you suffer more. I myself feel guilty of contributing to a suicide of someone in my family and a few attempts of people who I interacted with. But I know I'm not a perfect person and I didn't mean it. You are not a perfect person and you didn't mean it.
Your what doctors call depression is not to be beaten just now. As surprising as it sounds, it is your friend. A friend who is protecting you from moving on with your life while you are better off to grieve your loss.
You didn't want that type of a friend (the depression), but it means well, it wants you to stay sad and introspective and needy for help. It would've been extremely counterproductive to just shake it off and cheerfully move on with your life now, because the guilt and sadness would've stricken you later at the most unexpected moment.
Listen to your depression. It may be your unexpected friend. It wants you to get better, it may be even protecting you the way friends do.

[CrazyLady17]

Aww thank you.
Why do you like you're reply made me suffer more? Because it certainly don't make me suffer more? If anything it comforted me a little, so thank you for that.

I suppose so.
I hear what you're saying though, but I feel like my depression is my demons and it's here to haunt me though?
Does that sound stupid to you?
I feel like my depression is my devil that's inside me and its here to stay and won't leave me alone till I do something bad(which I'm not going to by the way).

This morning I woke up feeling like hell and feeling like someone has stabbed me over and over again.
I sometimes wake up and I cry, that's because I've woken up to a brand new day and I don't want to? Is that normal? Is that stupid?
Why do I feel like I've suffered enough?

I just feel like my world has fallen apart.
I've literally reached my breaking point.
My support worker seems to not care and my parents well they just keep on arguing and making things worse.
I give up.

[CrazyLady17]

Woke up feeling worse than yesterday.....
Trying to distract myself for my awful thoughts, but nothing seems to work....
I just feel even more worthless and even more depressed.
What is life coming to?

Anyone got any ideas on how I can distract myself?

[Frame]

Origami is something you can do just with little scraps of paper.
It's a bit like video games; easy to get started but hard to master.
It's good because at takes concentration, precision, and you can lose yourself in the craft for a while.

When I had more time I used to make origami christmas tree ornaments out of last years gift wrapping paper.

I'm sure there is plenty of info on the web. As you get better at it you can make mobiles out of origami, string, and kebob sticks (or coat hangers, or branches).

[CrazyLady17]

Ah I used to them at college aha.
Thank you for you're suggestion Frame. I will certainly try that this afternoon as see if it'll distract me for a little while.

But what do I do if it doesn't distract me at all?