DESTRUCTIVE URGE

[xn728]

So kind mich ,i wonder how you are my dear freind ,,hope your not to bad ,right now, I hate me ,,and i suppose if i could self harm i would be doing it right now ,,,i feel like a worthless peice of crap ,,im really just
ready to rip the router out the wall,,take the laptop to my local trade in shop ,and buy a load of cds ,,burry myself in music ,and forget everything
each time i lose a fight ,it leaves me less will to go on with this battle ,
even though i have all my dear freinds here ,im still alone in this cold ,
unfeeling world i live in ,,i hate shareing my pain in here ,,sorry but you
all have your own demons ,,i came here to bring something good ,but
i seemed to have failed at that task as well,,,,,hugs mich tc ken xxx

[Mich]

You bring so much good here....so much friendship, so much comfort. Please don't leave.

[darklight32]

i guess we all have something in common, i have like 2 sides of me, i don't like it, i shiver as it takes over the situation, my friends know when i'm not myself but i am. This is me. Thankfully, you know when your special but not using it but he uses it, so kind of a no fair whatever it is, but as a man i overcome, it gets heavier and heavier, i guess it's all in your mind, just take over the situation or someone else will,

[darklight32]

if your hurting i will pass by you, for i am empty, walking as if i was dead, what good is there if you've lost the happiness, joy, laughing, but i will talk to you, encourage you not to fall by this, it really depends on you no one can hep you better but yourself. Discourage, ashamed, lonely, despair sucks, it feels awful right, but i like it i dunno why, now for the wrath that urges me to destroy, to make others feel the pain that i have, showing them, but what good is there, i am realistic so it's no bother to show anyone the wrath, suffering is inevitable. Well i'm just taking control now, finally.

[Mich]

Just wanted to say good morning....although it is about noon for you. I worry during your absence and hope you are not suffering too much. Come back when you're ready.

[xn728]

THIS MAY TRIGGER OR UPSET ,,GO NOW IF YOU LIKE ,,
darklight ,,im thankful for your words ,and i do understand what your saying ,i know of this darkness and emotionless world you walk in ,,,
please save your strentgh for your self ..ive been like this many years ,the feelings of abandonment i feel now are overwhaelming ,,i feel so upset i cant see any light or sence ,,nothing can reach me here ,,,,
i lay around useless and uncaring but i still have the srength to walk with you and your pain ,,,thankyou but sorry ,,you are kind ,,,
ITS OK MICH ,im in here im all over the pages of the forum like a bad rash ,,,ive never felt as bad as i do know ,,even fran has seen this black thing and is upset ,,yesterday in the garden ,,i ran a blade up and down my arm ,,not cutting ,but watching the white line slowly dissapear from veiw ,as the point touched my flesh ,,,im lost even tough its been a while since that docs appmnt ,,when i was told nothing more can be done for me ,,im dieing inside ,,crying out for help ,,surely at 51 years old this cant be it ,i even thought of going to my doctors and openiing up my wrists ,
maybe then he would help me ,,,but no ,,i would just get sent away and fran could not deal with that ,im at a very low ebb ,mich ,i must write how i feel its my only escape ,,im sorry to make you worry ,,but at least you can see im still here mich my dear freind ,,,and thankyou for talking to me youself and darklight ,,but be careful dont reach to far in to far in here ,you may fall in and suffer this horrible torment ,,,i hope your ok ,
and not feeling to bad ,,you stay safe mich ,because i worry about you also,as i do all my freinds ,,,ill try and speak later mich ,,i am trying to
get out of this you know ,,,,,,hugs ken xxxx

[xn728]

thursday morning now ,,i awoke feeling dreadful ,,i dont know how much more i can take ,,you know as well as i i have no options and i must suffer as we all do but this has been over a week now of constant torment
far more anquish than i normally feel ,,,fran came down here ten minutes
ago ,and said i look awful ,,i looked in the mirror when she had gone upstairs and shes right ,,i do look like a corpse,,,sorry to use this word but it the only way to describe my appearance at this time ,,the hurt comes now as i seem to be unable to mask this horror from my wife i dont
know what to do i hold out my hand ,but nothing touches me ,just the cold chill of the dark visitor as he drains my soul of the warm blood that runs thru my veins ,,and slowly but surely replaces it with the dark liqiud called despair ,why cant i fight this thing ,the demons tear flesh from my body ,and i walk like death itself ,but im alive ,and the will to survive is great ,but weapons i cannot find ,ive tryed to rest but this just brings more devils and there cohorts to pick at my already tired mind ,i wish to be lifted but my own misery will not allow any hope to penatrate this darkness,,so suffer alone i will ,and pray to whatever god ,that it be over soon i will nither hurt myself our leave here ,its merely whats in my mind that i speak of ,,i will be strong but its tearing me apart ,,,i know your here thankyou ,,,,,,hugs ken xxxTC

[Mich]

I'm so sorry. I am here and reading. I know it gets unbearable at times but please hang on and always remember that you are not alone in this. I hope your despair starts to lessen as the day goes on and that you can see the light that has been lit for you.

[xn728]

nice to hear from you mich i do hope your alright my dear freind ,,i feel a little better now i have some hope with the new tablets i know it will be a week before i can take them but until this morning i had no hope at all ,and when fran said that she was losing me ,,it hurt so much ,,i felt like i had finally lost my grip ,,,i thought that to start again and have any chance i would have to give in first ,,,but now i can see a little clearly ,,i have some sleeping tablets to help me get some rest ,,,,so dont worry mich i will prevail in this fight ,i thought my days were numbered but like i tell you all so many times i must stand up again ,,i fell by the wayside ,,but i wont
lie down and give up ,,,,i will be strong ,,no matter how hard the visitor punish,s me ,,im far better than it ,,,and i must cement a good road so that you all may follow ,,,we need to find that light so badly ,,,im sorry i wont let anyone down ,,,you have my word ,,,thankyou mich ,,,,,,,,,,,,,
the candle is lit mich ,,,for you and all my dear freinds ,,take care ,,,,,
and stay with us mich you are as important to me as are all my dear freinds ,,,,,hugs ken xxx
PS ive just found out fran and the girls are taking me for something to eat to cheer me up ..as nice as this is ,,i just dont feel able to handle it just now but as ever ill but my feelings last ,and go and try to look like im not
one of the living dead ,,,let you know how it goes later hugs ken xxx

[lisalou]

dear ken, i am so sorry i haven't been around this week when you've obviously been having such an awful time. If i could, i would be with you in your garden and take the blade from your hand and give you a hug,my big brother.

[xn728]

its ok lisa you did not know ,,dont worry i know it sounds bad but i was lost and looking for answers ,i would never hurt myself ,,i was just that lost young lad for a few days ,,looking for answers that i would never find
i ran the blade up and down my arm to see if i could still feel pain ,,and
yes indeed i could ,but it would be nothing compared to the pain fran and the girls would feel to lose me ,,and my dear freinds here ,,wondering
why i had been lost in the silence ,,,your so kind lisa ,,and i know you
would do anything for me or any of your freinds to help ,,its just good to hear you and know you are well ,,ill be fine i have to be ,i was put here to suffer but i was given a gift of compassion as well and i must not waste it
your a true freind lisa ,and im really happy about that my dear sister ,,,hugs ken xxx

[xn728]

MY DEAR FREINDS i feel a lot better frame of mind today ,still down but not having nasty ,,destructive thoughts,,,ive droped the dolusopin now
so i may feel a bit strange in a couple of days ,,im going to take some
sleeping tablets tonight to get some rest ,,i hope they dont make me feel bad ,,,my mouth feels dry ,and i have a slight head ache ,,ive only missed to doses ,but it must be that whats giving me these sensations ,,
any whoooo im ok ,,the weathers been rubbish again really dark and rainy ,,and it does get me down sometimes even though i love the rain
anyway i hope to hear from you soon my dear freinds ,,you know for sure ill be around ,,,your all in my thoughts hugs ken xxxxx

[lisalou]

hmm,dry mouth,headache,sounds like it could be a bit of withdrawal but at least you are aware of that possibility and are monitoring yourself, and as you say, soon you will be on your new meds and hopefully they will help. Glad you are having less upsetting thoughts and managing to keep reasonably afloat!!!!!

[xn728]

so sorry lisa ,,,ive woken this morning ,with so much on my mind ,ive told secrets here i never should have put in writing ,,i can no longer go on with this ,ive become something i never wanted to be ,i cant continue on this journey anymore and must must take a differant path .
you all have each other here so you will be ok,you will only miss the words here not the man .i could delete my posts but it would not be fair ,
please keep my secrets safe ,they were given with love and trust ,its only that i care for you all so much that i turn my back and walk away my mind is a wash with confusion, and i fear the visitor may reach in here and touch one of you my dear freinds ,im sure
when we reach the end of our journeys we,ll see each other at the start of our new begin,ings ,,,,,,,,,,hugs ken xxxx Take Care all my dear freinds
TA,TA, X

[lisalou]

come back ken, stay here with all your family here in this forum,we want to carry on supporting you and keeping you safe and being your friend,my life is far richer for knowing you and i want to keep in touch with you,good times or bad times

Lisa xxxxxxxxxx