DESTRUCTIVE URGE

[Warmsoul/Jeanie13]

Ken,

Keep that 'upbeat feeling' going. Turn it around, upside-down, just keep it going.



Warmie

[xn728]

hey warmie ,thanks for that ,well the visitor is here ,but like i said before
the warrior is also present ,,nothing happening just yet ,,just a waiting game i suppose ,,your right im not gonna give up mt happiness without a fight ,,,,thanks for being here warmie ,it means a lot to me ,,,,hope to catch you later ,,ps was on the chat last night for about an hour ,im making more new freinds all the time and im getting better at keeping up
how are you ? good i hope ,,stay safe hugs (((warmie girl))) ken xxx

[xn728]

ok today was ok ,,visitor is hanging around ,but no nastyness just yet
was on the chat for a while tonight again ,its really enjoyable i think im
addicted ,,lots of new freinds ,all welcoming ,,how have you all been
ok i hope ,,not to down ,anyway gonna go listenn to some KISS now
greatest hits album ,,,hope the visitor likes it ,cos its coming loud and clear lol stay safe everybody ,and dont feel alone ,,,hugs ken xxxxxxx

[xn728]

the warrior has gone now ,the visitor is closer now ,i fear the day ahead
why the warrior has gone i dont know ,,the dark one whispers to me ,cant not listen its in my mind telling me dark ,nasty things ,but i am standing fast ,its the time of year new years is hard even though we normally ignore it ,,but this years differant ,im not having fears like i usally do ,,im looking forward to work and the forum ,,maybe its just taking me time to get used to ,,,,if it does take me today ,i wont cry out
i dont want to spoil the good posts ive had over xmas ,why should i let the darkness and all its horibl demons spoil my time here ,,,,
how are you my dear freinds ,hope your alright ,,,hugs ken xxxx
hanging on for dear life ,,,,,,,,,,,,xxxx

[xn728]

The visitor has me now ,,myself and fran went shopping this morning and the strain of looking happy ,has dragged me down ,i became weak and was snatched away before i could think ,,fran to has enjoyed the real me ,
and i fear she will soon notice ,i have gone ,a prisoner once more ,
this time is differant though ,the visitor stands beside me ,in this strange landscape ,,grey and dusty with the dust of a million poor souls it has crushed ,before me ,,try as i might i cant get a grip in this cold dust of time and as im dragged down this dark path ,my fingers merely feel the pain of those who have gone before me ,,we now stand in this cold world
a tree burns in front of me ,yes my family tree i burnt all those years ago
and for the first time the visitor has its hand upon my shoulder ,like a father would stand with his son ,,the cold touch of this demon creeps along my body ,and my heart pounds as it trys to resist the flow of cold dark blood that slowly chills my very soul ,,and flows into my body as i
become unfeeling and emotionless again ,i think it admires me for putting up such a good fight over all these years ,i must wonder how many has it
taken and and been sucseesful in destroying ,all this dust i see here maybe ,the visitor could itself be 1000,s of years old ,, when i feel this bad i wonder if this could be the last fight ,how much more can i take ,im
sure it doesnt like my kind words i write on here ,it would like to stop those for sure ,what does it have in store for me now ,will it be a short attack ,will it be for days ,,or ever once more ,,maybe its my mentor and
when my time as a mortal is over ,i will become it ,or a servent under its control ,what would i do if i were to become someones visitor ,,oh no i
must stop thinking such things ,its to much to bear ,,the keyboard blurs now ,i hate feeling this way ,feeling better the last few days has made the
pain so much worse ,ill let it do what it wants ,it makes me weak and think these strange things ,i must go now i cry so much as not to see ,
but somehow it feel good ,but mustnt let fran see ,the red eyes tell many
storys and she must not read me today ,,oh my dear freinds ,i feel i have dissapionted you ,but i do try hard to fight ,but sometimes to fight is harder than the darkness itself ,,,speak to you soon hugs ken xxxxx

[xn728]

Fran came and sat on the sette were i lay ,she lifted my head up and rested it in her lap ,,the warmth of her body was comforting ,and i felt safe ,quietly she ask how i was feeling ,for a few moment i was silent ,and the tears gently trickled down my cheeks ,i replyed to her .
my eyes are dark and cold and i can see no happiness ,or any thing in the future ,i told her how anything i do is such an effort ,and the strain of being a husband and a happy looking father was taking its toll on my health ,i felt her chest heave as she sobbed and her warm tears fell onto my face ,i put my arms around her waist as i lay there and held her tight
she asked me what she could do to make me happy ,i replied nothing ,i told her she was everything to me ,and there was nothing i wanted for ,and
then she said if she should die that i had to promise to look after my self
and that i must get myself a small dog for company ,ive never seen such a sad situation turn into something so funny so quickly ,i reply oh no i
was going to be a tramp before i met you ,so a tramp i will be ,,,we laughed a little and we both felt a little better ,,then fran said that she new it was the strain of her being poorly that was making me ill ,,telling her this was nonsence ,and that her illness was the very thing that drove me on to keep going because at the end of the day she must be as comfortable as possible ,,we cuddled a little more ,and then without words
she got up and carryed on what she had been doing ,,ive never spoken in the least about my feelings to fran and she took it pretty we,ll i think it could be a turning piont for us both ,i may dip my toe in the water again one day ,and try to tell her some more ,,,not the visitor though that stays with you and me ,,,ive had a lay down and two pain killers and i dont feel so bad ,,maybe im just tired ,the visitor has not been to harsh and has
now seemed to have given me some breathing space again
i do hope your all ok ,ill be glad when the hols are over so we can talk again ,,,hugs for now ken xxxxxxx

[lisalou]

dear ken, i'm so glad you have been able to share your feelings with fran and had such a moment of intimacy, i find i feel better when i am communicating with mark openly, keep sharing and let your love for each other keep you both warm and strong

[xn728]

THANKS LISA it was nice and i feel better for it im sure fran does to ,,
im also glad we share this freindship lisa ,as with all my freinds ,,i look forward to the new year with you ,,and lets hope we can share some
laughs along the way ,,,goodnight lisa take care ,,,ken xxx

[xn728]

the destructive urge is in deed strong in me today ,,new years day ,for a
thoasand years new years day has been the day of greatest danger for me
i hate it ,the quiet ,no were open ,,the dinner i have to smile through ,the tears that burn the back of my eyes ,the strain of holding back all these feirce emotions ,but for darker reasons ,so deep in the darkness of my rotting soul ,that you may never know of them ,yet another step towards death at such an early age ,another peice of my soul ,falling to ground and turning to dust ,the visitor came for me last night ,teatime ,but i did not speak of it then ,i couldnt share that pain not on new years eve,to tarnish the forum with its dark filth would not have been fair ,you always tell me off for not sharing ,,understand i only do this to protect you my freinds ,it holds me by the throat ,it is the pain in my chest right now ,,
it is the headache i have, struggling to stay looking happy ,it screams endlessly in my face ,and with it it brings a new collection of demons too torment me and show me ,what lies ahead ,it feels my heart pound as it wills me to turn that corner ,the fork in the road ,life ,and nowere ,but chose i cannot the mortal coils that tie me to this world are my keeper
but the pain of life at this moment is oh so great ,,i had the music loud last night to drown out the new year ,and i woke this morning i refuse to leave 2009, the future at this time holds nothing for me ,even though i
know ,im not thinking clearly ,,,its to dark to see any light ,the dark creatures pick at my flesh and each time the visitor takes me ,i become weaker ,and the will to partisapate in this pityful existance grows ever weaker ,i feel nothing and am knowone ,i wish to lay in the dust and rest
xmas was good ,but the beast makes me suffer now ,i new i would pay dearly for my happiness ,but ive done that all my life ,why should it be differant now ,,i must go now ,my excuse ,ive got a headache fran im just gonna lay down my love im ok ,,,,IM A LIAR ,im just gonna lay down fran because i feel like i cant live like this any more ,,and then i could just fade away ,,,,,,,im sorry ,but i to suffer also ,,,,,,,,,,,,love ken xxx

[xn728]

today is a better day ,ive walked into 2010 somewhat reluctently but im
here ,work was ok infact it picked me up ,,i had a good xmas ,but i new
new years would be tough its the time of the fire you see ,the ultimate trigger every year ,,,all the thoughts and feelings ,knowing the same thing is happening for all my relatives as well ,,,it makes me feel like my
life should be extinguised all that pain and suffering i caused ,i keep thinking what if my house had been destroyed and everything i have worked for all my life had been destroyed ,imagine it ,how can i ever be forgiven for this hidioeus thing i did ,i must never ask for forgiveness
that would be an insult ,,,it wasnt meant to be that way i know ,but it was by my hand ,,nothing more to say ,,,,hugs all ken xxx

[xn728]

The warrior you see in the picture today feels unusally tired ,strong he
looks and sounds ,but tired he is for sure ,he wants to lay down all the time ,and the people who love him are having to push him ,and talk him
into fighting ,he lays and thinks about his life ,and even though he has
come so far and has new freinds ,whom he trully thinks the world of ,he
knows he still has nothing ,his family of course ,but he holds in his heart
nothing for himself ,from boy to youth to man ,torment has followed him
he sends hugs and love to his freinds ,how long did it take to over come the fear of this closeness ,,a long time for he knows nothing of this outside
his family life ,always betrayed by freinds in life but not here no he knows
that ,but closeness still carries fear for him ,he hears and sees the words of engourigement that he recieves ,and holds them dear ,but non the less
he is alone in this world he lives in ,the fear of the next day ,always on
his mind even before the current day is not yet over ,and now the fresh
year ahead seems a bridge to far ,nothing he can do ,he has to load up
and once again walk that dark road .many freinds old and new he will see
and will stand and fight besides them ,till that days demons have been slayed
and we can travel a little further,how much further can he travel ,how much more pain must he feel and see ,,not only his own but that of his freinds ,he sends words of support to these freinds he loves so much,
in the hope he can make a differance ,and their pain he carries with him
unable to forget ,and turn off and think about another day ,,oh yes this is what we do ,he comes here of his own free will,knowing pain will be here
he shares his pain ,and knows others may carry his ,but it hurts none the less,,but the warrior struggles with his own demons and finding the will to carry on is weighing heavy on his shoulders ,the words dont come easy
to him and if he lose,,s the gift to speak to his freinds in their times of darkness then this battle will indeed be over ,and the blackness tommorrow will bring will never end ,,,,we are all as one ,myself ,the visitor ,and the warrior ,the visitor is strong and commands many creatures ,the warrior is strong and can slay all that comes before him
but the he is also born of my will to survive ,and im tired of this constant
tug of war ,i wish my mind would make a choice ,i will happily be either
warrior,or visitor ,just let the pain go away ,,,,,,,,hugs ken xxx

[xn728]

im the visitor ,,,,it is me ,,,it seems to regenerate if wounded in this battle
we have fought with each other for over 43 years ,but each day i lose a little more armour ,another small peice of my soul dies and falls to the
dust of this endless battlefeild ,why if we are one cant i find more strength
and wake strong and full of stamina for the fight ahead ,but no i wake in
dreadful fear of the fate that awaits me in the cold darkness of the daylight that greets me ,,i have my little few hours rest know ,and then
i will drift into the world of the dark one ,and it will run the same old
repeats in my mind ,the same horror film ive watched for years ,but it
doesnt lose its power ,no it becomes more frightening as the nights go by
i wonder myself how ive kept going ,never been in hostpital apart from the overdoses ,,i hear the voices but they dont tell me bad things ,they just call names and are generally mischeves,,what drives me ,what keeps me sane after years of endless horrors ,,? bye for now hugs ken xxxx

[xn728]

hey every body ,how you doing ,ok ive been a little queit the last couple of days ,the visitor has give me a bit of a hard time ,i feel better now .
not great but ok ,,how have you been ok i hope ,its been snowing here a lot over the last few days ,and were due some more tonight ,,i like the snow,it lets russ come out ,and he can have a little bit of his childhood
returned to him,frans been ok ,a little bit of a bad chest last couple of nights ,but otherwise good ,,the charity shop job is going ok ,and people
are getting used to me now ,,im thinking of asking fran if we can afford for me to have another tattoo done soon ,also there a punk night at a local
pub ,held every mounth ,i was gonna see if we could get courage up to go to that ,,,,ok thats me for now ,,,hope your ok (((all my dear freinds )))
i see you tommorrow ,ill be here talking ,even if im on my own ,,,,
on no ,im just not gonna shut up !!!!! hugs ken xxx

[lisalou]

hey ken, great to hear from you again, was missing you, we've had really heavy snow here too,is beautiful but really scary walking now it's gone so icy. have a nasty cold today so am staying in, nice just to lie on the sofa and read and watch the snow fall. Smudge the cat has become hooked on Wotsits (cheese puffs my American / Canadian friends!) and keeps trying to steal them right out of my hands! He is not a healthy eater...

Hope you manage to get to that punk night sometimes, I think you'd really enjoy it and would be great for you to go out and listen to the music to listen to the music you love so much, you might build up the confidence to get talking to some like-minded people

[xn728]

hey liiiiisssaaaaaaa how you doing ,ok apart from the cold i hope ,thanks for talking to me ,ive been a little down so i kept quiet for a couple of days ,ive just got in from work ,,the shop is freezing we only have one of those little blow heaters ,,,ive been painting today around the display windows ,its very quiet due to the weather ,i must keep busy or the visitor will take me down ,,just thawing out alittle now ,glad the cat enjoys your wotsits ,,my daughter cat is round here just now ,he only 9 mnths old but hes massive ,,call him vince ,,hes very aggressive so im gonna take him to the vet next week for his ,,now i must be careful here what i say mmmmmmm ok im taking him for his Balls off ,,,lol ,,ssshhh dont tell him ,ok lisa gonna get a bath soon ,after ferrets have had their little walk
i hope to post later ,you take it easy ,and ill hear from you when your ready ok my flower ,,stay safe ,regards to mark ,,hugs ken xxx