DESTRUCTIVE URGE

[lisalou]

it's never too late for someone as special as you ken

[xn728]

feel blacker today ,im being crushed im even breathing shallow cos my chest hurts ,i can see my ribs clearly now ,its hard to keep covered up all the time ,fran shouts have you had your porridge ,ken shouts yeah ,ken binned it really ,has done for the last wk ,stomach aches so much feels like its eating its fellow orghans ,im weak ,but i like why ,i dont know i just dont wanna eat ,drinking milk though and lucozade,this visitor is gonna finish me one day ,ive come a long way ,and put up a hell of a fight ,but im tired now sick of fighting ,no one really cares it s all lip service ,all my life i listened to it all my life ive helped people and thought
i might get a little back ,maybe its time to save a little something for me
,,,ken xn728

[Monty]

Ken,

I am very concerned about you.

Can only speak for myself, but understand that you have been fighting a very formidable opponent, for a long long time.
And fighting a good fight that must take a fantastic amount of energy.

And kick the thought that no one cares about you to the back of the bus (and I am saying this kindly)
This forum is behind you 100% and we all just want you to have some peace.

I have said this before, and I am going to repeat it.
You are a good many Ken, and I am proud to call you my friend.
I don't say that about many people.

Keep fighting. Don't let IT win.

[xn728]

im tired monty ,so many things lately ,losing interest very quickly ,just wanna lay down and let it take over ,the ultimate sacrifice maybe ,what will it bring to me if i let it have me ,maybe in death i will become depression ,how ironic would that be ,for my soul to posses some other poor person and i would be there visitor ,i even thought today that the visitor could be the tormented soul of the brother or sister i never had ,slowly destroying me because i
got the chance to live instead of them
so maybe i will lay here and see what it brings ,ive always fought and got up ,put pherhaps ill go all the way and see what the big deal is .
thankyou monty for your kind words ,and you believe in me thats nice
as for me ,we,ll ive given up and i dont care really ,came with nothing leave with nothing ,,,,,,,night monty /freind ,,,,,,,,ken

[lisalou]

we all care about you ken, so so much,i think you are right that you spend a lot of time supporting everyone else in your life and need to look after yourself a bit more and have the time and space that you need, am glad you can at least manage some milk and lucozade, maybe try those protein milkshakes like Nurishment or something and some vitamins too? don't be ashamed to need to lie down and rest a while, don't be ashamed not to always be so strong but still DON'T LET THE VISITOR WIN!

[crybaby1086]

Yes Ken, take some time for yourself. I've seen you write often that you would take someones pain for a night. So tonight I will take your pain so you can have a goodnight sleep. Rest well.

[shatteredhopes]

...another visitor, one that is loving, patient, kind, and always reaches out to help those suffering...it is a spirit so sweet and friendly, and it overtakes you repeatedly, showing up on this forum, when you rescued that ferret, when you spend time with your wife...it is fighting the depression visitor with you...you are not alone. We care and appreciate you so much!

[xn728]

the things i see are ever present now ,i dont have days or nights ,just one long continuing torment
with periods of day and night ,kind words have left me ,if i was 18 now ,i would be burning ,and biking
i have no wish to fight i gave that up freely ,and wait now to see the outcome ,nothing you can say matters,
im just writing here ,because theres knowere else to go ,i really dont care any more ,the visions i have
are here all the time now ,and i know this means bad things ,i darent tell the doc and i have stopped my support
worker coming ,i take two trancs a day now ,they will soon run out ,7 days i think anyway ,weight this morning
10 stone 5,,,,my hands shake ,and when im sat in a chair ,i see that i rock back and forth a little involantary
movements
it makes me feel like a real headcase , my face has no colour and is sunken and i am becoming weak ,i have to
check everything i type ,i find ive written things almost backwards at times.broad daylight now here in the garden
with the ferrets ,but the demons are stood silently around ,there distorted bodies rotting with the flesh of
a million victims before me ,and of there faces ,today they are very cruel ,they wear my face because they are
happy that im destroying myself ,maybe the words will stop and i just be an echoe in the words i left behind
ands the footsteps will end ,as if carried away by something greater than all of us ,taking my bad thoughts
and visions with me before i hurt someone ,no self pity here just the need to destroy ,,,,,,,ken

[Mich]

I am very worried about you too. I would gladly carry your pain today to rid you of this suffering. Please keep remembering that you are cared for here by so many of us. We all want you to keep fighting....draw on that inner strength that I know is deep inside you. Keep pouring out your feelings in your writing. We are here today and listening.

[xn728]

i came and felt nothing ,i hate and the need to hurt is strong ,this is not a place of shelter any more ,ive done what i set out to do ,its dark in here
and i reach out but dont feel anymore ,,sorry xn728

[xn728]

Psychosis: In the general sense, a mental illness that markedly interferes with a person's capacity to meet life's everyday demands. In a specific sense, it refers to a thought disorder in which reality testing is grossly impaired.

Symptoms can include seeing, hearing, smelling, or tasting things that are not there; paranoia; and delusional thoughts. Depending on the condition underlying the psychotic symptoms, symptoms may be constant or they may come and go,,,,,,,,it seems real to me ,,,xn728

[xn728]

this is not good i know but im enjoying these feelings .i feel more than human ,almost transformed
into the very illness i fight everyday ,i feel if i held my arms out ,they would become dark wings
and everyone would fall at my feet ,an unhealthy feeling of fearlessness,is with me ,like i could do
anything and not be hurt anger rages inside me ,my stomach churns i feel hot and agitated,wanting someone
to challenge me just so i can have a go ,i feel hunger for trouble and conflict ,i still have feelings
of kindness and compassion ,but choose to supress them ,the feelings i have now ,the sense of power
and wanting confrontation feed something inside me i never new existed if giving in to the visitor
means this is what i will be rewarded with ,then maybe i will take its hand that reaches out for me now
and accept whats always be coming to me im alone in this fight and i miss my allie ,,,,,xn728

[shatteredhopes]

I understand what it is to feel transformed...depression gives me more compassion...twice in my life in association with severe depression and trauma I have heard voices. The second time, I know, I heard things before they happened, my cognitive functioning was superior, my mind was open...but the voices turned cruel...unfortunately, the medicine I was given made it far worse...

but I found a medication that is mild and I take a very small dose. I learned to stop engaging the voices now they are subdued when they are there at all...right now, because I am so depressed and upset by the break-up, I've gone up on the medicine. It is not too impairing, and I don't ever want to go back to the nightmare I lived before, and will do everything to prevent it.

Can you call the doc that prescribes the tranquilizers and talk to them about what you are experiencing? Maybe there is something they can give you that won't mess you up, will be mild and you will still have some of the same creativity and other things the illness gives you? I am worried for you my friend. I am worried because your visions may torment you, harm you, or cause you to harm others...

Personally, forgive me if I'm out of line, I don't think the mental health profession really understands pyschosis or mania. I firmly believe there are micro-black hole pockets in which states of altered brain chemistry allow us to see or hear or experience things across the fabric of time-space or into the parallel universes scientists postulate exist. That's one reason why psychotics can have psychic phenomenon...or prophesize...mental illness is only a portion of the equation in what is going on. Just as a dog can hear things I cannot, altered states of brain chemistry allow some people to perceive and experience things another cannot, but some are very real on some dimension. And the "brain damage" from altered chemistry causes the brain to compensate by excelling in other areas...such as extraordinary creativity or intelligence, for instance.

A mild medication can possibly give the best of both worlds. Please, please, please, talk to your doctor. Try something, if it doesn't work or causes severe side effects, try something else. Keep trying. Please. We care about you and are worried about you.

[lisalou]

dear ken, i am also really concerned about you, i can't bear to think of you being in so much pain, please please talk to your doctor, support worker and psychiatrist and let them help you

[Mich]

Please reach out for help...